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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have been unreasonable now I need to make it right

63 replies

QueenOfIce · 23/03/2018 10:50

Dh and I usually get along very well, we rarely argue and make a pretty good team, however.

We are moving house today, removals arrived early am and we all mucked in, all except dh who spent spent an hr dismantling the tv bracket, and has generally been unhelpful. It's not that he's lazy he's just slow slower than me.

I feel as though I have not stopped whilst he has casually got his shit together. My car is full of fragile stuff that I didn't want in the van so I asked dh if he would put the things I couldn't get into my car into his.

4 (not huge) boxes, he loaded 2 and disappeared to make tea for the movers. I came downstairs and in the porch are the other 2 boxes, I can't find his car keys to put them in myself so I asked him to remember the others, he picks up 1 takes it to the car I follow shortly after with the other and as I get to the door I can see he's not placed them he's thrown them in and is now shoving a ladder on top amongst it all.

I got annoyed because in the boxes were fragile items that I couldn't fit in my car but wanted to take care of myself. Words were had and in a huff he went to shut the car door but my arm was still in there so I whipped around and slapped my dh hard on his chest.

I feel awful, I apologised immediately and there's no excuse. I have never slapped anyone and nor has he. This is not how I wanted our move to go!

I've been awful haven't I?

OP posts:
Whatthefoxgoingon · 23/03/2018 12:37

Did op deliberately push him or was this just a frightened response? If DH was scared that I was going to accidentally slam a door on his hands, then shoved me as reflex action, I would certainly accept his apology and move on. If I shoved him, he’d do the same. Certainly no one would be leaving anyone in this situation. By all means ltb for actual abuse, but this isn’t the case here.

Karigan1 · 23/03/2018 12:58

She slapped him not shoved him and says in a reply she did it deliberately.

Original poster
QueenOfIce · 23/03/2018 13:32

Yes I did do it deliberately because I thought he was purposefully trying to slam the door on my arm. I know I'm in the wrong though I doubt it's a case for divorce or a therapist!

OP posts:
Lichtie · 23/03/2018 13:38

Such a different tone on here from what it would be the other way round. There would be people calling for divorce, protection orders and police.

It was heat of the moment, you were in the wrong, you have apologised. Give yourself a break and enjoy your new home.

nuggies · 23/03/2018 13:46

am i the only one that thinks this is wrong? ok your DH is a faffer but thats no reason to smack him in the chest. im glad to read you know you've acted wrongly, i'd feel so guilty if i hit my OH.

im a bit shocked at the people on here saying 'id never put up with that level of faffing' like that automatically makes it ok for her to HIT him? Confused

Whatthefoxgoingon · 23/03/2018 13:53

It’s not ok for her to hit him, who said that?

His faffing is a different issue altogether.

And I wouldn’t feel any different if it was my DH in op’s position. It’s about the context. This isn’t an ongoing anger issue. Endless litany of LTB on mumsnet Hmm

Northernparent68 · 23/03/2018 14:01

Not only did you assault him you also control and micro manage him

Dangerousmonkey · 23/03/2018 14:04

You hit him deliberately? Well I am very anti violence. There is never an excuse for it. I imagine the advice will be for him. LTB

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/03/2018 14:05

I think sometimes that realism needs to be applied. DV is terrible whether inflicted on a man or a woman. A non-painful non-threatening non-frightening slap on the torso through clothes as an instinctive response to a perceived threat is not DV, or abuse.

LagunaBubbles · 23/03/2018 14:10

Just apologise and get on with it. It’s not a huge deal

Why? Because its a woman hitting a man? Im sure it would be a "big deal" if it was a man hitting a woman, whats the difference?

LagunaBubbles · 23/03/2018 14:15

Did op deliberately push him or was this just a frightened response?

She has already said she did it deliberately I was so pissed off I hit him deliberately because I thought he'd done it on purpose

A non-painful non-threatening non-frightening slap on the torso through clothes as an instinctive response to a perceived threat is not DV, or abuse.

OP you did it in panic that you were going to get your arm trapped. You didn't turn round and belt him

FFS! The OP said she did it deliberately because she was angry at him! Stop making excuses for domestic violence, its sickening.She didnt do it because of a "perceived threat". She wasnt in a panic. She was angry at him so she hit him. And you both are making excuses for this, its absolutely disgusting.

thecatsthecats · 23/03/2018 14:17

MyKingdom - I agree.

My sister and I fought for fun as children, and still give one another the odd punch on the arm nowadays if one of us is being annoying, and we're both just either side of 30.

It's nothing like actual abuse or violence, and what happened here wasn't massively different. An instinctive response.

LagunaBubbles · 23/03/2018 14:27

An instinctive response

And so it continues. It wasnt an instinctive reposnse. Despite OP being brave enough to admit she did it deliberately because she was angry people are STILL trying to make excuses for her. Hmm

Whatthefoxgoingon · 23/03/2018 14:28

Oh yes this is horrific domestic violence. Please call the police immediately. This is just the beginning, op is an abuser. Absolutely belittling people who truly experience domestic violence.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 23/03/2018 14:30

Nobody is making excuses for her. What she did was wrong and she knows it. She has apologised and won’t do it again. Do you really want her marriage to break up over this?

LagunaBubbles · 23/03/2018 14:30

Oh yes this is horrific domestic violence. Please call the police immediately. This is just the beginning, op is an abuser. Absolutely belittling people who truly experience domestic violence

No-one is saying call the Police. And who has said its "horrific"? But hitting your partner is domestic violence, regardless of it a man or a woman. This is domestic violence whether you like it or not. Hitting your partner just because your angry at them. Its disgusting that so many people are trying to excuse it just because its the man that's the victim not the woman.

TempusFugitive · 23/03/2018 14:31

Obviously you shouldn't have hit him.

He does sound lazy though. You were working three times as fast as him all day. That would fucking driving a saint insane

LagunaBubbles · 23/03/2018 14:33

Nobody is making excuses for her. What she did was wrong and she knows it. She has apologised and won’t do it again. Do you really want her marriage to break up over this?

Can you not read some of the previous posts? There are plenty of people making excuses for her, shes stressed, it was a panic move (no it wasnt), it was instinctive (not it was deliberate).
Of course OP knows it was wrong, where do you get the idea I want her marriage to break up because of one domestic violence incident? Whether the OPs marriage breaks up or not is no concern of mine. I would imagine thats up to her DH if he wants to risk getting assaulted again.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 23/03/2018 14:35

It’s disgusting that you want to escalate a single incident into a huge issue, you can call it whatever you want. If op and her husband has sorted it, and husband has somehow survived his one-off domestic violence without injury, what exactly do you want op to do now?

Whatthefoxgoingon · 23/03/2018 14:37

Never mind. Can’t argue with the deliberately obtuse. OP’s husband is probably not going to live quaking in fear of continued assault and is now happily getting on with it.

LagunaBubbles · 23/03/2018 14:40

It’s disgusting that you want to escalate a single incident into a huge issue, you can call it whatever you want. If op and her husband has sorted it, and husband has somehow survived his one-off domestic violence without injury, what exactly do you want op to do now?

Im not escalating anything. I work with victims of domestic violence, including emotional abuse. Ive heard all the excuses people are trotting out here from people that their partners have said. You dont have a clue the OP and her DH have "sorted" it as there is nothing about her DHs reaction at all, so youre making that bit up. What do I want the OP to do? The same thing I would be telling anyone who has assaulted their partner because they are angry at them. Get help with their anger.

windchimesabotage · 23/03/2018 14:40

Housemoves are the most stressful things in the entire world. Id rate it more stressful than having a newborn baby tbh!!
Me and my husband have moved twice so far in our relationship and both times we nearly got divorced. We get on really well the rest of the time and love one another etc
Last time we moved we both ended up screaming at each other in a stairwell and he called me a 'cunt' and I told him he was a stupid bastard and stormed out.
We met up again later that day and both apologised and now we laugh about it. It was scary at the time though because neither of us are shouty people and we dont often row. So it was extra upsetting. I really thought it was the end of our marriage for a few hours!! Thats how stressful moving house is!

Just sit down together when youve got everything moved and discuss it and apologise.

windchimesabotage · 23/03/2018 14:51

'Can you imagine if a man posted saying he'd deliberately hit his wife? I can't imagine he'd get a load of posts saying "moving is stressful" or "she sounds like a pain'

Will people stop insisting that male violence is exactly the same as female violence. If I slapped my husband it would be very different than if he slapped me because hes three times my size and would risk seriously injuring me. He and I both know that as well so the fear and the intent would be greatly exacerbated were he to purposefully slap me.
No one is saying that the OP was right to slap her husband but given that she is a woman and was frightened that he was trying to hurt her and its not a pattern of behaviour, that context doesnt render it on the level of abuse does it?

It grinds my gears when people try and make violence between men and women black and white and equivalent. Its really not. And in this particular context very clearly not.

I mean I wouldnt leave my husband if he slapped me because he was genuinely scared I was trying to seriously hurt him..... but to be fair that would never happen because hes three times the size of me so in what scenario would he ever be physically scared enough of me to merit slapping me??

I can more easily understand however how a woman may be scared of a man enough to slap him.... even if it turned out she was wrong about his intentions.

TheJoyOfSox · 23/03/2018 15:02

Apologies and move on. Moving day Is alway a tough day.
You both work in different ways, not a biggie. He is slow and methodical, you’re micro managing and thorough. You’ll be fine tonight once you’ve got your takeaway and wine in front of you.

worridmum · 23/03/2018 15:04

Do fuck off with the nonsense that woman on male violence is that bad its the reason a shit ton of men do not report violence if their female partner assults them.

I have a friend hospitalized numerous times because people thought he was a wuss and its far less damaging if a woman hits/kicks or throws dangerous objects at them it took the police having video evidence of her stabbing him before they finally took action.

And the number of stupid people saying they felt sorry for her as shes obviously got mental problems and he must of done something to trigger this abuse and why wasnt he being arrested etc

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