To think the MN answer for everything is counselling

[idontwanttogetoutofbed]

As though it's some magic fix?

Have you ever had counselling OP?

Demand your DP gets counselling immediately

People can be helped by counselling but there seems to be a theme that if you aren't magically fixed you can't possibly have "sought help"

Op !! You forgot these other tried and tested cures for all manner of woes:

Marital strife - have a spa day
Mother who raise an eyebrow - go NC with the whole family, forever
Financial woes - rent a spare room out to absolute strangers
Cant cope with life in general - get a cleaner
No family support/distance problems - get a doula
Anyone who asks a perfectly noraml favour - CF and ignore forever

This forum really isnt anything like the real world

Your examples are not the same as suggesting counselling HollyBayTree to someone who has been abused, raped, has PTSD or any other terrible, traumatic situation.

Don't be so glib.

But the fact is if people are coming on mumsnet to ask advice, then they are open to counselling which is why they are asked if they have been offered it!

Like someone would have major trauma and never think to themselves "I'll try counselling"

Well actually, I suspect the vast majority don’t.

DD’s paternal grandparents were against counselling for her after a traumatic event because talking about it would make it worse, not understanding that denial was a strategy that had been unsuccessful with their son, whose behaviour was the cause of mine and DD’s traumatic event.

There are still a lot of negatives associated with talking therapies; airing ones dirty linen, it being self indulgent etc.

I was fortunate to have some smart and caring people around me but a complete stranger who I didn’t have to worry about burdening, who didn’t have bias or who would challenge my perceptions, is what I needed.

What's it to me?

That I've tried multiple forms of talking therapies over many years - still have counselling

If I post its invariably met with have you tried counselling?

Er, yes multiple times. Still not fixed so hence the venting at strangers online at 3am about the shit I'm trying to cope with.

One hour a week does not necessarily change your life

going to counselling was seen as a bad thing when I was growing up and lived through family row hell. If my dm or df or anyone, me as well had seen a counsellor it would have helped enormously.

Its a good first call to sit and think about the situation, why you think like you do. I know its not a magic fix and sadly there are not many great therapists out there. But I do think if access to counselling etc was more freely widely available many peoples lives would be happier. I watched a woman descend into madness and never once consider anything beyond the things that were happening, never a why - what when ..So yes! I think its a good call but not the magic bullet but certainly something to encourage people to try.

Relate counselling for couples is very useful in any situation but particularly in Mil situations because you a totally impartial third person giving their in sight into a delicate situation. If the man wont listen to his wife but doesnt know how to handle his mother but wants to remain married its useful to learn some tools.

I've had counselling. I don't expect it to 'fix me'. But talking to a good one helps me to fix myself.
I have had some terrible counsellors though- It's a relationship and if you don't feel properly heard it's no help at all.

I’m pretty sure counselling isn’t promoted as a way to fix your life, though. It has many uses for some in terms of exploring feelings and reaching decisions or just having a bloody good offload.

Fixing life isn’t ever going to be straightforward. Learning to live with the cards we’ve been dealt is another matter and for me, counselling has helped.

Or as I sometimes see on here, "you should see a councillor."

Counselling could also mean talking to someone who will just listen to you, that could be a friend, family member etc. So I agree YANBU, but do feel that talking to others has a lot of benefit.

How should we reply to such posts then OP?

There are loads of other therapies out there that can be massively effective in changing lives, Occupational Therapy for one, but it is difficult to access and services are being cut all the time.

Sports Therapy, Art Therapy, Spiritual Direction even Nature Therapy all proven to work but try getting a referral

Counselling is far easier to get a referral to, it's often a better choice than medication, it is cost effective and it empowers people. However it works best when other lifestyle issues are also addressed (diet, activity levels, sleep).

Or should we just tell posters to pull their socks up and get on with things?

Lallypopstick

Well if it is a problem with neighbours maybe

If I post its invariably met with have you tried counselling?

Ok, then maybe mention that you've had counselling. Nobody here is a mind reader, and there are plenty of people who don't go to counselling.

It's not actually stupid or dumb or ridiculous to suggest counselling to people who might think it's not for them.

So because it hasn't worked for you, people shouldn't recommend it to anybody?

YANBU. I agree.

I, and several people I am close to have had counselling for various tings, and to be quite honest, we all found it rather pointless. I am not bashing them or saying they are useless, just that counselling doesn't work for everyone.

I sometimes feel like they are just getting their lines straight from a textbook, and have no idea of what the person is really going through. If someone has multiple 10's of 1000's of pounds worth of debt, and is struggling to support his family, and is on the brink of bankruptcy, and it's making him seriously low and depressed, I fail to see how chatting to a 25 year old (fresh from completing a psychology course at uni,)' who still lives with their parents, can help.

Similarly, if people have had relationship break-downs, or some kind of trauma or loss in their lives, unless someone has been through the same thing, they have no CLUE what the person is going through. And even if they HAVE had a similar experience, they still don't know how it was for that person. I mean how many times have we heard someone on here say 'I did it OP, so YOU can too!' And 'I coped with 3 children under 5 for several years, so you should be able to cope with one!' And similar things.......

And I also don't see how, if your man has fucked your mate, or a neighbour, or one of his work colleagues, how chatting to a stranger is going to help you. Coz that shit cannot be undone, no matter HOW much 'counselling' you both have.

I had grief counselling (paid for by my employer) some years ago when I lost someone close. She was nice and chatty etc, but she didn't bring back the person i loved. And the counselling didn't help me.

As I said, it may be great for some, but not everyone.

I also laughed at THIS post... by @hollybaytree

Op !! You forgot these other tried and tested cures for all manner of woes:

Marital strife - have a spa day
Mother who raise an eyebrow - go NC with the whole family, forever
Financial woes - rent a spare room out to absolute strangers
Can't cope with life in general - get a cleaner
No family support/distance problems - get a doula
Anyone who asks a perfectly noraml favour - CF and ignore forever

Every bugger on MN has depression or anxiety or PTSD or something. Nearly every god damn thread. It's worrying if this is a representation of society.

Excluding those who have genuinely experienced a horrific event there is an element who come across as just needy. I don't know whether it's used as an excuse so people have to be kind, poor decision making, having children at the wrong time or it's attention seeking or an excuse not to better themselves.

Therefore is suggesting counselling the right advice?

There was someone on the other day who had been in counselling for years and years. So it probably isn't right for that person and is therefore blocking someone else from accessing the service.

Agree with you ^ @lifebeginsatgin

I don't agree counselling is a magic 'fix' (not sure if anyone ever suggested that tbh) but I agree with pp that a lot of ppl won't have tried it and it could help them. IME a lot of ppl see counselling as self indulgent or pointless so a lot of ppl who could benefit are probably put off the idea. I've seen a counselor myself (not for major trauma, just for some anxiety and related family issues) and I personally found it v helpful though I think it's more of a starting point for looking at things differently and just feeling more able to cope, rather than a 'fix' in itself IYSWIM.

I guess this is the problem with asking strangers for some help with your problems. Agony Aunts in magazines and newspapers often suggest the same thing. Talking things over with friends or family isnt always something that people can do so seeing a stranger and getting help is the next best thing, at least they are trained and will listen. Friends and family dont always want to know and most people are terrible listeners and just bring it all back to them. At least you might get some good advice and work through your problems.
If i worked full time i would definately hire a cleaner once a week, if i could afford it.
having a spa break wouldnt appeal to me at all, but for some a break away might be the cure all(l for a while at least.)

Leaving somebody is a much bigger thing, but some posts i cant help thinking why they are still with their partner - trouble is, you dont get the other side of the story and its so hard to know if that would be the right thing. I couldnt forgive an affair, but lots of people are stronger for it and still stay together and work through that.

Just because counselling hasn't worked for you OP it's wrong to baulk at anyone else suggesting it to someone in a dark place. It can and does work for many people.

I'm not suggesting counselling never works

What irks me is when it's clear someone will have tried counselling

Met with "have you tried counselling"

Answer - yes. Lots.

Reply... silence.

YABVU. If someone here said they thought they had broken their leg, wouldn't you suggest seeing a doctor?
Going through a personal or relationship crisis is much easier with psychological support so why wouldn't it be suggested. And no, not everyone has already thought of it

What irks me is when it's clear someone will have tried counselling
But IT ISN'T CLEAR unless they state that they have, as people have already told you OP!
You had problems, and you wisely tried counselling, and seem to be saying you're still finding it helpful. Good for you, smart choice.
Lots of people grow up with families where no one ever tried counselling, and have relatives who would actively discourage the idea (just 20 years ago, I would have been worried that my employer might see it as a weakness if they knew I was having counselling, and I don't think I was being paranoid...).
Its lovely that you were so wise, but it doesn't make it wrong, or insulting to mention the idea, to a poster who hasn't mentioned trying it.

But that's not what you said in your first post OP is it?

Stop twisting things to suit yourself.

What a lot of pp forget is feeling anxious or down is normal. Everyone has periods of stress in their lives. No one's life is perfect.

These are normal reactions, but pp seem to self diagnose and rush off to the GP for counselling.