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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday meal. Have I made a faux pass?

37 replies

Burthdaybash40 · 23/03/2018 07:00

So I am celebrating a big birthday soon. I have family all around the Country. This means we rarely get to meet up together. Dh thought it would be nice to do a meal in a restaurant. This of course involves travel and hotel expenses.
In the past such occasions have always a been pay for your own meal so I am not sure why I am concerned.
As we are perhaps better off than the previous host we are paying for the food element of the meal and providing cake.
Is this enough number jury?
Incidentally I am not expecting fancy gifts. I just want a big family gathering.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burthdaybash40 · 23/03/2018 07:01

Mumsnet changed to number. Random.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 23/03/2018 07:06

Does it include hotel expenses for everyone? as long as you are clear on what it involves ie you are just paying for the food - you can invite people and they can choose to come if they want to or not.

Queenio24 · 23/03/2018 07:11

As long as you are clear you are providing the costs of the meal, I think it's fine.
Don't be upset if people can't afford the petrol / hotel costs though.

fabulous01 · 23/03/2018 07:12

Yes agree. Just say what is being paid for and let people decide

AjasLipstick · 23/03/2018 07:13

ittakes OP is clear about it only including food.

OP it's fine...it's very nice.

Mention "no presents please...I would just love it for people to come"

Uniglo18 · 23/03/2018 07:14

Can you hire a community hall or function room and provide a buffet and minimal drinks? Most people will then byb anyway & this way you can minimise the food costs for people who are travelling from afar.

If seeing everyone is more important than the restaurant meal than I'd hire a hall. You can then invite a few more friends too and make an occasion of it.

Original poster
Burthdaybash40 · 23/03/2018 07:16

Have picked the hotel because it is the most convenient for the bulk of the group. Some won't need the hotel.
Most have said yes. We have had one decline due to additional expenses which of course I understand.
I have made it clear how much the room will cost and this includes breakfast. I negotiated a good rate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burthdaybash40 · 23/03/2018 07:17

Not really enough people to hire a hall although I did like that idea.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 23/03/2018 07:32

are you asking if paying for a number of people to have a meal for your birthday is a faux pas?
I dont think so.

Mrsmadevans · 23/03/2018 07:32

You have been more than reasonable OP , have a wonderful birthday my dear.

Laiste · 23/03/2018 07:38

Nice idea. How are you orgainising the food? Set choice of menu for guest to choose from before the event?

expatinscotland · 23/03/2018 07:42

Fair enough as long as you make it clear you are paying for the meal only, but hope you're not offended if some decline because they don't want to travel and stay in a hotel for a birthday.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 23/03/2018 07:44

Do you mean you are not including any drink at the meal? Not paying for accomodation is standard, but if you invite people for diner, you pay for diner -including at least some of the drinks.
If you mean you are inviting your friends and family to a restaurant, of course its fine not to pay for their hotel. Not many people could afford to.

We normally offer a few beds, in our house and in some friends spare rooms, but some people will prefer a hotel anyway.

rookiemere · 23/03/2018 07:45

I'd pay for the alcohol as well as thats where big discrepancies come in. Or at least pay for wine and make it clear to people if they want other drinks they need to settle up their own bill and not split across the party.

Otherwise you're fine. Mumsnet makes a big thing about having to pay when you invite people, but as long as its not outrageous and people know roughly in advance how much it costs - hence why you need to have a clear policy on paying for drinks- then provided its an invitation not a summons, then you're grand.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2018 07:51

'Incidentally I am not expecting fancy gifts.'

Cannot imagine expressing a wish for gifts at all, tbh, from people paying for accommodation, travel and drinks at a birthday celebration.

pasturesgreen · 23/03/2018 07:57

That's fair enough, although it does seem odd to pay for the food and not the alcohol drinks. If it were me, I'd either pay for all parts of the meal or none at all.

Absolutely fine to not cover accommodation as well, provided you'll accept with good grace that people may decline due to costs, which you sound ok with.

maddiemookins16mum · 23/03/2018 07:59

Could the some who won't need the hotel host some who do?

EasterBunBun · 23/03/2018 08:00

I think you are being very generous and thoughtful, OP, and I hope you have a wonderful time 💐

CottonSock · 23/03/2018 08:03

I'd buy some wine too if you can

SuburbanRhonda · 23/03/2018 08:04

Cannot imagine expressing a wish for gifts at all, tbh, from people paying for accommodation, travel and drinks at a birthday celebration.

OP didn’t say anything about “expressing a wish” for presents 🙄

expatinscotland · 23/03/2018 08:07

No, but she did say she doesn't expect anything fancy as a gift.

LittleLionMansMummy · 23/03/2018 08:12

I'd say you'll contribute £x for alcohol or buy x bottles of wine so you've made a gesture but don't rack up a massive bill. As others have said, alcohol is a big element of the bill.

Otherwise fine. They can always decline the invitation.

Laiste · 23/03/2018 08:26

Blimey the supplying alcohol thing wouldn't register with me, I'd have to be reminded! Personally I hate wine and wouldn't drink alcohol unless it was a proper party type do.

I guess you should provide a wine to go with the meal/s, yes. Which one/s and how much of it would be something to take advice on. Then you'll have to supply a light non alcohol drink for the meal for those not drinking.

No way i'd start paying for bar drinks though. Not at a sit down meal.

Babyplaymat · 23/03/2018 08:28

You're being more than generous.

viques · 23/03/2018 08:28

I think you have to pay for the drinks as well, apart from anything else sorting out who drank what and who is paying for what at the end of the meal will be a nightmare that will take the edge off the meal and leave everyone feeling meh.

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