I'm upset ex has messed up my time with dd's

Trinity66 · 21/03/2018 22:34

No you're not, he should have asked you before telling them but if he's not a reasonable and fair person he probably did it on purpose so you couldn't refuse.

Eatalot · 21/03/2018 22:36

Its one weekend. They get to see an uncle that we shall assume they dont see often. Yabvu.

Idontdowindows · 21/03/2018 22:37

Are you the resident parent?

Starlight2345 · 21/03/2018 22:40

Tabby . However there are lots of unknowns .
How old are children?
Did you have plans
Do you have a regular contact agreement ?
Is it for a particular event ?

I would be having a conversation about how if he wants to swap weekends he needs to talk to you not the children

2rebecca · 21/03/2018 22:52

Is their uncle really that exciting? Their uncle could maybe come and visit you and take them out for a couple of hours. I would be inclined to stand against this to stop him doing it again and make it clear weekend changes are discussed between the adults.

TERFragetteCity · 21/03/2018 22:58

My ex has made arrangements for our dd's to see their uncle (visiting from elsewhere in uk) on my weekend with them. He didn't tell me but told the children direct which has put me on the position of not being able to refuse.

So you tell them that their father hasn't discussed it with you and you have other plans.

Hissy · 22/03/2018 11:13

Does he have a habit of doing this? Or is this a one off

It’s ONE weekend

Take the longer view because one day you will need him to be flexible

Pick your battles

Original poster

pinkgoo · 22/03/2018 11:18

My children are 6 and 10. In the resident parent with dad having them every other weekend and 1 midweek visit. I don't want to stand in the way of them seeing their uncle but I'm very upset by the fact my ex is being manipulative with the children. He should have been upfront and asked. I have never been obstructive and he is taking them away at Easter. I know he has done this on purpose and the smug smile he gave me when the children told me of his plans was sickening. And yes I had already made plans with a friend and her kids this weekend, and he only wants them daytime as he is going out in the evenings.

OP posts:

TERFragetteCity · 22/03/2018 11:24

I had already made plans

So tell them this. He hasn't asked so no need to tell him surely? He will turn up and you will be elsewhere.

CruCru · 22/03/2018 11:50

Yes, you will need to say "What a shame. We already have plans that day. If only you'd told me sooner".

Dangerousmonkey · 22/03/2018 11:56

It is reasonable to be hurt as it is a manipulative effort on the part of your ex. Your best response is a calm "that was a very risky move ex the children could easily have had other pressing things on, tell the ex that a mature approach where planning ahead as much as possible, is the only way forward"
You'll need to support the children to go, on tbis occaision. But make it clear that's what you're doing. He's playing games with time like it's a competition the children will get hurt and back off longer term if this carries on.

abigailsnan · 22/03/2018 11:58

I would tell him that you have arrangements made already and he will have to keep to the weekends as already agreed.
Makes me laugh that he only wants the little ones during the day to see his brother are they going out on a couple of nights out to-gether whilst you play babysitter for him,no way would I give in to this he is going to continue to mess you about if you don't put your foot down now rather than later.
Go and enjoy your week end with your friends and their children as arranged your children will get over it.

HoHoHoHo · 22/03/2018 12:02

I think it's important to be flexible it situations like this but also respectful. There's nothing wrong with switching weekends to see a relative who lives abroad but this should be pre-arranged. Saying no to prove a point could damage your co-parenting relationship and could primarily backfire if you want flexibility in future so think carefully before you refuse this.

TempusEejit · 22/03/2018 12:06

Can you stay out overnight on the Saturday so he has to commit to the full time he has with them?

underneaththeash · 22/03/2018 12:09

can you not just swap weekends?

Lastoftheusernames · 22/03/2018 12:11

I feel your pain OP as I have an ex who manipulates DC in this kind of way.

Not sure if you work, but I know that working full time means weekends are the only time I see DC properly and because I only have them EOW if I was expected to miss one and wait at least another week for quality time with them after already waiting a fortnight I would be upset.

Is he expecting you to have the DC the following weekend and switch the schedule completely, or does he think he's having them again?

Fishface77 · 22/03/2018 12:12

Just say no we already have plans.

Original poster

pinkgoo · 22/03/2018 12:24

He doesn't want to swap weekends as he wants to go out drinking in the evenings. So only wants children 9-5. And it's not easy for me to swap as I work the weekends he has them, it's too short notice to rearrange this.

OP posts:

StormTreader · 22/03/2018 12:28

Do the kids desperately WANT to see their uncle? Otherwise just say no, he can arrange whatever he likes for them for every day of the week, doesnt mean its going to happen.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/03/2018 12:33

Just say no. If you let him take the piss, then he will. Stamp out this sort of behaviour now or you will end up with years of it. It really isn't thay hard to put your foot down.

ILookedintheWater · 22/03/2018 12:34

If you have made plans with friends and their DC then do that. Let your DC know that 'such and such' was arrange already and which do they want to do...or do they want to do both? They can come with you for fun day with friends on Saturday and then have morning with ex and Uncle on Sunday....to help a little with their hangovers.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/03/2018 12:40

It's time to put your foot down. Stop accepting this.

Say 'Sorry, that doesn't fit with my work schedule. It's too late to change it. If you'd asked me in advance that would have been fine but unfortunately you didn't.'

JacquesHammer · 22/03/2018 12:48

This isn't about flexibility which comes as part of a mutually respectful co-parenting deal. This is about an ex trying to manipulate by presenting the OP with a fait accompli through her children.

"I'm so sorry we have plans that weekend. Happy to make future arrangements, please do check with me first"

HoHoHoHo · 22/03/2018 12:57

He doesn't want to swap weekends as he wants to go out drinking in the evenings. So only wants children 9-5. And it's not easy for me to swap as I work the weekends he has them, it's too short notice to rearrange this.

In that case say no. Or, only if it would help you tell him he has to have them for the whole weekend including overnight.

SometimesMaybe · 22/03/2018 12:57

You are totally right to be pissed off. I would tell him you had plans which you have managed to rearrange but you might not be able to do so in future if you don’t get enough notice (and then follow through on that in the future).
And then try and see the positives - why don’t you ask your friend and kids around for tea at 5 when they get back? If you usually work weekends try and enjoy the time “off” - read a book, watch Saturday kitchen, tidy out that drawer in the kitchen.

Tell him when you drop them off what a busy day you have planned and if you are not pissed off about it then he hasn’t won!