I'm upset ex has messed up my time with dd's

[pinkgoo]

My ex has made arrangements for our dd's to see their uncle (visiting from elsewhere in uk) on my weekend with them. He didn't tell me but told the children direct which has put me on the position of not being able to refuse. I have also found out he knew about this at least 2 weeks ago. Aibu to feel hurt and angry?

Every other weekend and one night in the week is minimal contact with your kids. Can you really not be the bigger person and let your kids have some time with extended family?

I do read these threads and wonder why people don’t get this is a manipulative ex, this is not co parenting.

Is this the first time he has done this? He does have Eow to arrange visits which leaves you in a position you either have to tell him you have plans or make it clear any plans in the future on none contact days will result in a no. Also it must be discussed with you not Dc.

I also think asking the kids is an awful thing to do. You should never put the children of picking a side which it is how they would feel

You say no.

It is really that simple.

He will fuck you around until you politely, regretfully, start saying NO.

Say yes this time but that in future you will not be accepting swaps that you haven't been consulted about. That's firm but fair (over fair actually but anything else puts the kids in the middle of it in this occasion).

If you've made plans then you tell him this and if the kids ask tell them their father knew he wasn't seeing them that weekend and should have asked or arranged his brother to come another time

Every other weekend and one night in the week is minimal contact with your kids. Can you really not be the bigger person and let your kids have some time with extended family?

tbf though you seem to be missing where the OPs problem is. It isn't that she refuses to swap weekends with her ex, it's that he gave her no real notice (so she wouldn't have made plans herself with the kids) and he didn't even ask her if it would be ok and if she had plans herself, instead he told the kids so they'd get excited about it and she'd feel like she couldn't say no.

You refuse because you’ve already made plans. What would happen if you’d spent £100 on theatre tickets for you and the kids on that day? He cannot just bulldoze your weekends and you must put your foot down now or he will keep doing it. If you feel willing then you could say “that’s fine but I will take next weekend as a replacement so I will be having them for the next 2 weekends running” you want to make sure you get your 2 weekends per month or he’s taking up too much time

Are you on good terms with the uncle? Could you invite him along to your plans and not your ex? This could potentially be a solution that makes your kids happy and annoys your ex as a bonus. I'm an asshole though so if you want to remain on good terms and have a favour in the bank then upsetting him might not be the wisest move.

Do the children desperately want to see the uncle?

If not, "sorry we have plans". and done.

I know it's not that simple. But it is that simple.

I wouldn't insist on him having the children overnight (suggested upthread) as you know he intends to go drinking. Who knows who he'd get to babysit.

I'd either give in this once and let him have them for the day, but say it must never happen again, or put my foot down and say it isn't his weekend. But I'd be hopping mad at the manipulation, and spell out that I'd seen through it, and it's childish.