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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was my friend unreasonable or was the teacher?

76 replies

Clueless1315 · 21/03/2018 22:01

My friend has a little boy in reception and they sit on the carpet and have specific carpet spaces. Her little boy can be a handful but he behaves very well in class, he likes to please his teachers. He's very tall also. My friend went into class today and found out once again her little boy had been reseated and no one else. So she had enough, went home and wrote a letter stating her little boy had been moved 5 times and she wanted to know why, the other times it was mainly because the teacher said she wanted to bring the reserved ones nearer to her, or seating so and so next to each other wasn't a good match or that her son was a good listener and she could trust him in different spaces, not to mess around etc etc. The majority of the class has only been moved once, with some twice or some none. Now my friend feels bad she wrote the letter and has taken to bed, she suffers from depression and anxiety so it's brought on serious symptoms now. But she wants to know if she was being unreasonable to say she was tired of her son being moved. For what it's worth she thinks he was moved because he's taller than the child he's in front of now, but they're some extremely short ones at the back and even tall children at the front. His teacher has tried calling a couple times but for both she couldn't get to the phone. Teacher has said they can talk in the afternoon. In a way my friend knows nothing will come of it, as he'll have to stay in his new spot. She likes his teachers very much but feels she's always having to explain to her son why he's moved, when he's done nothing wrong and is sad each time he's moved and takes a while to readjust. No one tells her when he's moved either, she finds out when another kid says her child is in their spot.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 22/03/2018 01:50

She sounds paranoid.

TheMaddHugger · 22/03/2018 02:10

Awwwwwwww ((((((((Madd Hugs)))))))) for your friend. is she getting help for her anxieties ?

Pluckedpencil · 22/03/2018 02:25

Her anxiety would be improved by actually speaking to people instead of all these letters and texts.

WowLookAtYou · 22/03/2018 06:52

Look, it's one of two things. Either the child is being disruptive, in which case he is being moved until the teacher finds a place for him hat best allows him and those around him to concentrate better, or he's a good influence and it's others she's moving but needs him to vacate a space.

Either way, it's the teacher's call. But I'm wondering whether the cause to all this is in the sentence where you say that the child is a handful.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/03/2018 07:27

As a teacher l think she is entitled to know why he is being the one moved so often. She will know this as its plain to see if she delivers him to his space every day. She wouldn't need to send an accusing letter but just an inquiry asking has he been doing something wrong so at least she can work on that. Hopefully the note wasn't rude and the teacher can reassure her there is nothing to worry about.
I don't think its a good idea to constantly move one child ..exchanging with different children all the time..i hope she gets through the chat ok .

YellowMakesMeSmile · 22/03/2018 07:34

That poor teacher, imagine getting a letter like that because you dared ask a child to sit somewhere else.

What's she going to do when there is an actual issue?

All she's going to do is make herself the talk of the staffroom and other teachers will dread the child coming to their class.

Ohyesiam · 22/03/2018 07:39

It shouldn’t be a big deal, but as her son gets disoriented by the move, it’s worth feeding that back to the teacher.

wtffgs · 22/03/2018 07:43

The issue is your friend's mental health here. I'm sure you are being supportive already. Try not to get drawn into the whys and wherefores of these dramas. Just listen without getting embroiled.

What professional support is she getting - GP, CPN? They should be making her a priority as she is caring for a young child (Disclaimer: All mental health should be a priority but funding)

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2018 08:08

I think she needs to be very kind to herself. She is caring for a young child and she has extreme anxiety. She needs to get herself some support. Otherwise she’s going to create an anxious child. You say he takes some time to adjust to this each time and she needs to find the tools to support him. The best approach probably is it’s no big deal and maybe he doesn’t notice when others are moved.

It sounds as though she may have had some pretty poor parenting to be in this state over a letter. There’s far too much self loathing going on here, I imagine.

Maryann1975 · 22/03/2018 13:52

We aren’t allowed into the classroom ona daily basis. Drop at the gates and children sent home from their classroom doors and when I read things like this, I see exactly why the school have done that. The parent has got far to involved in classroom management and I’m sure when she finds out the reason her child has been moved it will be a good one.

WowLookAtYou · 22/03/2018 18:26

How did you get on today? What did the teacher say?

anxious2017 · 22/03/2018 18:32

Hahahaha this is amazing. Please carry on updating us over the years over how she deals with very minor issues. I love it!

She'd hate me. I move children every day depending on activity, listening, my mood.

BackforGood · 22/03/2018 22:46

We aren’t allowed into the classroom ona daily basis. Drop at the gates and children sent home from their classroom doors and when I read things like this, I see exactly why the school have done that.

Quite. A very sensible policy.

tillytrotter1 · 23/03/2018 00:14

I'm hardly surprised that she suffers from anxiety if she gets so uptight about such a trivial thing. Lots of people on here seem to like telling teachers how to do their job, are they so arrogant with other professionals?

dayandnightshapes · 23/03/2018 07:10

Yes most classes have designated spaces in the carpet and do spend a long while there.
The reasons for moving vary- easier access to door. Not working well with the current partner- distracted easily. Giving a boost to a child. Moving to front to have extra support from teacher.
Moving once a term just to change who everyone is sitting next to.
It's not a big deal at all. I'm quite surprised at the over reaction. Your friend has no idea if anyone else is moved.

Brokenbiscuit · 23/03/2018 07:24

Your poor friend. She sounds quite unwell.Flowers

She has definitely overreacted but she can still put this right. I think it would be wise for her to apologise to the teacher for her overreaction and to explain how her anxiety can make her misinterpret things at times. Going forward, it is in her interests to develop a positive working relationship with the teacher, in case any little issues arise again and she needs further reassurance.

RubyLennoxExists · 23/03/2018 07:34

No one tells her when he's moved either, she finds out when another kid says her child is in their spot.

She knows because reception parents take their children in and seat them in their spot before saying good bye.

So how does she find out OP?

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/03/2018 07:43

My son gets moved a lot. It’s because he is laid back and gets on with everyone so he is easy to move.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 23/03/2018 07:46

I literally could not care less where my child sits, unless they want to plonk him cross legged in the middle of a motorway!

Isetan · 23/03/2018 08:55

It appears despite the reassurances the teacher has given to the contrary, that you friend views her son being moved as a negative thing.

Her anxiety and depression are at the root of this non issue, everything looks unfair or unjust when viewed through a negative prism and it is ridiculously easy for that to be projected onto her son. Her anxieties are probably having more of a negative impact on her son than class seating arrangements. The teacher has already stated all the positive reasons for the moves and if these positives were being relayed to her son it’s unlikely that he would be upset by it.

Advise your friend to be open with the teacher about where her fears are coming from and that she is working on her anxieties.

AprilW · 23/03/2018 09:16

The way you've written about her thought process makes it sound like a classic anxiety-driven inner monologue, where a relatively minor issue becomes something to obsess over, worry about, and seek to control, and where a sense of proportion is lost, and then there's a knock-on anxiety about whatever actions you've taken to deal with it (was that the right thing? no: I've fucked up - what will happen next?) and then more worry and avoidance. It's exhausting and very sad.

Your friend really needs to find a way to break this cycle. I'd encourage her, the next time something like this happens, to write a letter but not send it. I agree that it's good to tell her clearly that she's being unreasonable, but don't be too harsh or dismissive: the crap thing about suffering serious anxiety is that people telling you you're being silly often makes you more anxious, not less, because you feel a genuine sense of crisis and nobody understands.

She needs to develop tactics for stopping these anxiety-driven thought patterns, especially when they concern her son.

64BooLane · 23/03/2018 09:22

I don’t think that’s inconsistent Ruby, if that’s what you’re suggesting. Presumably she takes him in to sit him down in what she thinks is his spot, and then someone else says “that’s my spot”

SparklyLeprechaun · 23/03/2018 09:30

2 kids of primary school age here and I've never known where they sit on the carpet. Do parents really care about these non-issues?

Lethaldrizzle · 23/03/2018 10:15

No I don't care where they sit

bonnyshide · 23/03/2018 11:55

Oh dear....she's handled this (non-issue) very badly, that poor teacher 😬