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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was my friend unreasonable or was the teacher?

76 replies

Clueless1315 · 21/03/2018 22:01

My friend has a little boy in reception and they sit on the carpet and have specific carpet spaces. Her little boy can be a handful but he behaves very well in class, he likes to please his teachers. He's very tall also. My friend went into class today and found out once again her little boy had been reseated and no one else. So she had enough, went home and wrote a letter stating her little boy had been moved 5 times and she wanted to know why, the other times it was mainly because the teacher said she wanted to bring the reserved ones nearer to her, or seating so and so next to each other wasn't a good match or that her son was a good listener and she could trust him in different spaces, not to mess around etc etc. The majority of the class has only been moved once, with some twice or some none. Now my friend feels bad she wrote the letter and has taken to bed, she suffers from depression and anxiety so it's brought on serious symptoms now. But she wants to know if she was being unreasonable to say she was tired of her son being moved. For what it's worth she thinks he was moved because he's taller than the child he's in front of now, but they're some extremely short ones at the back and even tall children at the front. His teacher has tried calling a couple times but for both she couldn't get to the phone. Teacher has said they can talk in the afternoon. In a way my friend knows nothing will come of it, as he'll have to stay in his new spot. She likes his teachers very much but feels she's always having to explain to her son why he's moved, when he's done nothing wrong and is sad each time he's moved and takes a while to readjust. No one tells her when he's moved either, she finds out when another kid says her child is in their spot.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 21/03/2018 22:20

I am with the poster who said she needs to leave the teacher to manage the classroom. At my Ds’s parents’ evening I mentioned something about the child my son sits next to . His teacher started to explain why the child was sat where he was . I interrupted and told him how the class are seated is for him to sort out.

I also think in reception the more children they mix with the better

OrangeHorses · 21/03/2018 22:23

Oh dear, I think she's got worried about something that really isn't a negative. I feel really bad for her. What did the letter say? I imagine the teacher will realise that she has misunderstood the situation and will explain to your friend.

Viviennemary · 21/03/2018 22:23

I think the issue is your friends anxiety and not whether or not her child is moved to a different part of the carpet. And I agree that she should try not to make a big deal of this moving as she will only pass on her anxieties to her DS.

HeidioftheAlps · 21/03/2018 22:24

I'm not sure what was in the letter, but if she has any future worries like this, she could try and phrase it as a brief, polite question. An email would be less formal. Eg. Hi, Joe told me he gets moved around a lot on the carpet. Is this normal or is it because of any behaviour issues I should know about? Thanks Jane Smith.

Clueless1315 · 21/03/2018 22:35

I know she's dreading speaking to the teacher tomorrow. She's such a lovely person but her anxieties get the best of her. She's very protective of her son and has read far too much into this. I do have to be gentle with her though, but I do worry how she'd face a more trying problem.

OP posts:
Cleanermaidcook · 21/03/2018 22:42

How on earth does she know how many times other children have been moved? Even with dropping them off like you say she has memorized where 29ish other children sit every day?
I think she's over reacting massively, she is going to have a very stressful 12 years if she reacts this badly to such a minor thing.
Maybe suggest she seeks out further help for her mh issues?

OrangeHorses · 21/03/2018 22:42

Well if it makes her feel any better she won't have been the only parent to have overreact to something that isn't an issue. I once had a parent come at me all guns blazing because her child's score had dipped significantly in the latest report that was sent home. Once she had finished talking (shouting) I pointed out that this was the dip that I had told her to expect at the parents evening two weeks before (as we were changing the grading structure.)

I didn't take it personally and don't hold anything against her. She was very embarrassed at the time.

Haffiana · 21/03/2018 22:47

Why didn't you reassure her that it was not an issue, OP?

Snowjoker · 21/03/2018 22:53

I'm wondering how one child can be moved without this requiring another to move into their spot?

HeidioftheAlps · 21/03/2018 22:59

Hopefully your friend was polite and not ranty

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 21/03/2018 22:59

It would worry me that she is letting her child read it as negative when she could quite easily reassure him that it is a positive thing and should be congratulating him that the teacher sees him as adaptable, and confident enough to be moved.

There could just as easily be a thread that said why is my child being left in the same spot all the time, when others are being moved around and experiencing more variety.

Clueless1315 · 21/03/2018 23:01

It was an over reaction, I've texted her this. She's read it and I'm sure she'll respond once she's digested it.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 21/03/2018 23:01

OP, you sound like a good friend. Tell your friend that in future, when she's thinking of taking action re. her son and school, to just run it past you first so that you can tell her if it's her anxiety speaking rather than her common sense.

If you like, you can always come on here and check if you're not sure. Then she'll know she's behaving reasonably.x

LuluJakey1 · 21/03/2018 23:01

Imagine if something worth getting upset about happened- how on earth would she manage that?

Clueless1315 · 21/03/2018 23:04

Her letter wasnt her finest moment. I've seen the draft. It was very blunt. Not rude. But it had an accusing tone.

OP posts:
Itmakesthereaderreadon · 21/03/2018 23:06

She needs to take everything her son says with a pinch of salt. Dd is the most hard done to, unfairly treated child in her class. According to.Dd. I'm pretty sure all the kids I teach are all treated unfairly too.

IHateBikeRides · 21/03/2018 23:06

I know she's dreading speaking to the teacher tomorrow.

Hmm Then maybe she shouldn't have sent an arsey letter then! Don't suppose the teacher is looking forward to it either.

Ellie56 · 21/03/2018 23:07

Oh dear Hmm

God help her if there is a major event.

lalalalyra · 21/03/2018 23:11

It sounds very dramatic.

Does she think her child is the only one being moved? And that that's for a negative reason? That's the only thing that can be remotely understandable as causing a concern? I mean, if mine was getting moved all the time and saying they were the only one I can imagine maybe (and only maybe) checking with the teacher in a "is s/he the only one you are needing to move? Do I need to speak to them about this?" way, but not for anything else.

BackforGood · 21/03/2018 23:14

How on earth does she know how many times other children have been moved? Even with dropping them off like you say she has memorized where 29ish other children sit every day?

This ^ Confused

Have to agree with everyone else. She was being completely Unreasonable. She really needs to let teachers manage their class, and think about what message she is giving her ds by complaining about this. As someone else said upthread, it could have been a real moment for letting her ds see that
a) it would be impossible for only him to move as no-one would be vacating all these spaces he is apparently moving to

b) it didn't matter anyway

c) it doesn't really matter why hs is moving, the teacher will have a good reason for having folk in different places and not be doing it just to annoy him

d) she was proud of him for being so helpful and adaptable and helping the teacher and his friends out by being flexible.

Goodness know what she is going to do if ever there were an actual problem.
If you are giving her advice, you might want to start by suggesting she apologises for the 'bluntness' of the letter; for the fact she wrote a letter and made it formal, rather than asking if she could have a quick word when it was convenient; and for not really looking at the logic of what she was saying in the first place.

PattiStanger · 21/03/2018 23:18

Unless there is some heirarchy to the spots on the carpet why does she think it's bad to move around? Is she concerned that her child is being punished in some way or demoted to a bad spot?

kierenthecommunity · 21/03/2018 23:37

I think all she could see was her child being moved constantly whilst others weren't and at the same time being told he was good.

Is she basing this on what her son has told her? Only 4 and 5 years olds aren’t world renowned for their accurate reporting of information

runningoutofjuice · 21/03/2018 23:59

It's usually movement on ability tables that causes indignant emails and accosting of teachers at drop-off, Carpet spots takes this to a whole new level. Op, please support your friend in looking at things rationally,

Nofunkingworriesmate · 22/03/2018 00:01

Think you have a difficult job to do op.
Your friend should apologise to the teacher for causing a fuss and causing the teacher stress and anxiety first.
She needs to tell the teacher she suffers with anxiety and that she needs reassurance that her child's needs are being met.
I had a parent scream down the phone at me when she was having a very bad day, ( she never apologised) I later worked in the same building as her and I think she was a bit embarrassed, but I forgave her as she was clearly having a very bad moment. Unless the teacher is totally heartless this friend of yours will be forgiven and hopefully have some reassurance she desperately needs. Good luck !

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 22/03/2018 01:19

Some parents are just eejits.