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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my mom to stop talking about death?

26 replies

VioletteValentia · 21/03/2018 06:50

My mum is 54. Every time I see my mom, I get

“we are getting old and going to die soon”

“Your dad and I probably have 10 years left”

“There’s so much we want to do but we don’t have time”

“Everyone else does x but we will die first”

This is usually in response to me asking her to help me with my paperwork. I have ADD but I’m not formally diagnosed, it was said when I had my autism assessment as a teenager that I very clearly have it, but nothing was done so I can’t get medication. Therefore, she helps me organise stuff because I’m bad at it.

I’m tempted to just not bother anymore, because I hate this morbid conversation and the implication I’m a burden. AIBU?

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 21/03/2018 06:59

Assuming they don't have health issues that mean they will die in the next ten years, or MH issues which mean they can't help you, you have two options:

  1. Next time she says it, laugh and say 'Don't be ridiculous Mum, you're 54, not 84! Now, can you help me with my paperwork or not?'
or
  1. Get somebody else to help you. Do you have a friend who could do that? I'd always be happy to help a friend in that sort of situation.
Original poster
VioletteValentia · 21/03/2018 07:03

She has anxiety, I think, but she insists she does not. Her sister died at 53 due to a terminal illness, and ever since, my mum has been obsessed with this. I’ve asked her repeatedly to have counselling, but she went twice and decided it was shit. She won’t take antidepressants either.

I tend to keep to myself, I would ask my partner but he has the exact same issues as me. If she can’t help, I’ll have to do it with him, it’ll take us bloody ages though.

OP posts:
missyB1 · 21/03/2018 07:17

Your poor mum she does sound anxious, i think you should be a bit more sympathetic. Her sister died at 53 that must have been very traumatic for your mum, and yes it probably made her start thinking a lot about her own mortality. She is probably also worrying about you and how you will cope when she’s eventually no longer here, we still worry about our kids even when they are adults!
I think you need to get someone else to do your paperwork, and you need to try and help your mum talk through her fears. Oh and bare in mind she might well be in the midst of the menopause as well, which also often causes anxiety.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 21/03/2018 07:21

Oh and bare in mind she might well be in the midst of the menopause as well, which also often causes anxiety.

My mom had a hysterectomy in her thirties, due to continued gynae problems.

I do try to talk to her but I never seem to get anywhere or be able to help her. I don’t actually know what to do anymore. It’s been three years since she died and eight since she was diagnosed, so I’ve lived with this (illness and death) for eight years as has mom. I just want to move on from it but I don’t know what to say.

OP posts:
InfiniteCurve · 21/03/2018 07:22

Your poor Mum. Sad
She may have anxiety,you do get to a point in life when you realise that,actually,you aren't going to live forever,and if your Mum lost her sister so young she will be very aware that not everyone lives into their 80s.
It's hard (even though it's the same for us all!)
But I know that's no help to you ,and while it sounds as if she needs someone to talk too,if she can't talk to you about it and counselling hasn't worked for her it's hard to know the answer.
For you do you have a friend who could help with paperwork?

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 21/03/2018 07:24

I want to help her, but it’s hard when she’s implying I am some sort of difficult person.

I can get my partner to help, it just takes longer as he has a very similar issue to me. Mom is very good at organising things so it doesn’t take as long, and makes more sense.

OP posts:
InfiniteCurve · 21/03/2018 07:26

And following onto your last post 3 years is nothing,if your Mum was close to her sister.
It sounds as if she would benefit from counselling if she could find the right person - still no help.
And again,sorry - no help to you - I am nearer your Mum's age,and can see where she's coming from,unfortunately.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 21/03/2018 07:29

They were close. She also blames me for something that happened. She wanted to see her sister but I was very unwell with hyperemesis and she stayed back to help me out.

The next day, when she got there, her sister was taken by ambulance go hospital and she insisted she didn’t want either of her sisters to go with her. She died a few hours later.

My mom has said to me several times it’s my fault she didn’t get that day with her sister.

OP posts:
InfiniteCurve · 21/03/2018 07:30

Looking at helping you,if you feel medication would help with the ADD is there any way you could access that,be formally assessed?
And your Mum may be quite happy to help you but be finding her life overwhelming so that when she is with you her worries come out.That doesn't mean she is findi g you a burden,just that as another adult she can share with you.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 21/03/2018 07:33

Looking at helping you,if you feel medication would help with the ADD is there any way you could access that,be formally assessed?

It’s something I’m currently trying to do, but my GPs are unsupportive.

OP posts:
InfiniteCurve · 21/03/2018 07:33

Oh,that all does sound so hard for you both.
If your Mum was a friend I'd keep suggesting counselling - you need to find the right person,so it's worth keeping on trying.
Hopefully other posters will have some more suggestions to help you.

InfiniteCurve · 21/03/2018 07:35

We seem to be chatting - I must go to work!
Hope some better advice is along soon Smile

epicclusterfuck · 21/03/2018 07:36

She may be trying to prepare you for the time when she won't be able to help you? I would look at other ways you can get support with forms etc, maybe citizens advice bureau for example.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 21/03/2018 09:03

I wondered that too, but it’s exactly the same thing every time. It’s only since her sisters death so I think she’s struggling.

OP posts:
flowerslemonade · 21/03/2018 09:12

I think she is scared :(

IAmWonkoTheSane · 21/03/2018 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elementtree · 21/03/2018 09:22

I think she needs to see you making plans to get by without her help. She sounds very anxious Sad

JuJu2017 · 21/03/2018 09:22

your poor mum, she sounds scared. Her sister’s death has probably made her really fearful. Maybe she’s talking about it more around you because her fear of death is making her worry about how you will manage with your illness when she’s not around?

SeaEagleFeather · 21/03/2018 09:31

I think she's scared too but having had a bio. mum who for 25 years did this '"Ill be dead soon" / "I nearly died on the operating table" / "I'm preparing you all for when I'm gone"/ "you need to learn how to do things for when Im not here soon" ..... I've very little sympathy left. Scared she might be, but it's not ok to dump it all on your nearest and dearest.

It's also understandable but NOT ok to blame you for staying back one day when you had HG.

You've said clearly that you could do this with your partner, though it would take you far longer. I think you need to do this; to stop relying on your mum. It'll be a pain but this obsession with her mortality and the undertone of blame towards you is destructive.

Is your mum the sort of person that you can say that this constant referencing to death is getting too much? As others have said, she needs some help to come to terms with her loss and her new awareness of her own mortality. Or could you talk to your father?

Coming to terms with your own mortality is hard to face and it's an ongoing process; but it can also enhance your life because you appreciate it more. Sadly it sounds like she's on the run from it.

specialsubject · 21/03/2018 09:33

OK. Do they have up to date wills? Powers of attorney? Funeral funding? Have you got all the info you will need when they die to deal with stuff?

Less babble, more planning.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 21/03/2018 12:46

Yes she has wills and plans.

I think she needs professional help, but she doesn’t seem to want to get it. I’m really at a loss for what to do here.

Obviously I can get my paperwork done another way, it’s just the underlying issue of her feeling like this. I want my mom back, as selfish as that is.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 21/03/2018 13:14

That’s really sad. My mum had a chronic health condition and we knew there was a good chance she wouldn’t live the longest life - she died when she was 56 - but although we had a few practical and emotional discussions, it was never something we dwell on and I’m really grateful for that.

Original poster
VioletteValentia · 21/03/2018 13:16

I’m sorry about your mom Flowers

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 21/03/2018 14:28

Take heart OP, my DM was similar from the age of about 60 - she was 94 when she died.

SeaEagleFeather · 21/03/2018 17:10

I think that's more depressing than encouraging, silvery!