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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want them to take him again?

28 replies

lizzyfrombedlam · 21/03/2018 05:30

I try to be brief, but really need to know if IABU about this. I have two children, DC1 is a tween and DC2 is 18m.

Our CM takes term-time holidays. We knew this when we signed up and for the most part their holidays coincide with ours, so not an issue. Last year there was a period of time where their holiday didn't, so my ILs kindly offered to take my toddler for the week. They live a few hours away, so we didn't see our DC2, who was about 13m at the time, for the entire week. DC1 is old enough to walk home alone, so didn't need any childcare. I hated every second of it - not because I don't trust the ILs (they are wonderful), but because of the distance from my DC, who I thought was simply too young to be away from us at the time.

Our CM will have another holiday shortly and our ILs will be taking DC2 again for that time period (DC1 is at school again).

Now the summer holidays are being discussed and the ILs will be taking DC1 away for about 10 days. It's been a long-standing arrangement that they do this once a year for all their grandchildren; they're usually going on a holiday abroad for that time period, but haven't specified for this year.

They have asked whether they can take both DC. I am resolutely against this. Even if they didn't take them abroad this year, I hate the thought of having to let go of DC2 again so soon and without any necessity to do so as both DH and I will be at home.

DH thinks IABU as we barely spend any time alone and he wants to reconnect as a couple. I acknowledge things haven't been easy lately, but still think DC2 will be far too young to be away again.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
DinoSn0re · 21/03/2018 05:38

YANBU, I wouldn’t want my child to be so far away from me for that long. Is there a particular reason your IL’s can’t stay with you whilst looking after your DC to cover your childminder’s holidays?

Original poster
lizzyfrombedlam · 21/03/2018 05:46

Thank you, Dino.
They still work part-time, but on different days to each other, so wouldn't be able to stay.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 21/03/2018 05:50

Is there a particular reason your IL’s can’t stay with you whilst looking after your DC to cover your childminder’s holidays?

I would be happy to help with childcare for family in a bind, but on my own turf. I think expecting grandparents to go through the upheaval of staying in someone else’s home as well as a weeks childcare is highly unreasonable.

Added to which, many grandparents are still working, or have a selection of voluntary commitments they fulfill weekly.

Op I don’t think you are unreasonable to not want ds2 to go for a second period away so soon and while he is so young. However, I would consider if the refusal would cause hurt or damage to the relationship, longer term? You could consider yourself very blessed to have grandparents who are so interested and want to be with their grandchildren so much.

Is your relationship with them good?

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 21/03/2018 05:55

Wouldn't bother me at all and I'd jump at the chance at sending mine off with their trusted grandparents.
Kids would love it as well.

But you don't so I wouldn't say YABU necessarily.

Poshindevon · 21/03/2018 06:08

My parents were wonderful with their grandchildren. They cared for my brothers 2 children full time from the age of 7 months to allow my SIL to follow her career.
My children had grown up abroad but loved their grandparents and loved holidays with them.
Both my brother SIL and I trusted our parents implicitly and are so grateful for the care they provided.
I think you are being unreasonable and overly protective. You should be grateful to have such loving grandparents who want to be involved in their grandparents lives.

Poshindevon · 21/03/2018 06:09

Sorry I meant to say involved in their grandchildrens lives.

Dancingmonkey87 · 21/03/2018 06:13

Comes across abit unfair, they are good enough when your stuck to have your dc for a week but when they offer to take them away and give you some adult time you don’t want to.

swivelchair · 21/03/2018 06:13

In this case, if I didn't want to cause hassle, and I didn't want the little one to go, I'd point out how much the tween enjoys a bit of time alone with them - I know how much mine relishes some time apart from his little brother, everyone needs a break from toddlers every now and then, even their older siblings

rocketgirl22 · 21/03/2018 06:28

Your youngest child is very young to be going away for that long. I would politely decline.

In terms of 'adult' time your dh can simply book some date nights like everyone else. I am not sure whether his motives are for a lazy ten days without the kids or enjoying being romantic every day with you, either way I wouldn't do it either.

I think it is one thing having childcare for a week out of necessity, and it it is only a week and ten day holiday.

You are lucky to have hands on gp but you do not need to agree to everything!!

Pleasebeafleabite · 21/03/2018 06:30

I agree with PP. 10 days at 18 months is too long away. I would miss them like mad

Slartybartfast · 21/03/2018 06:43

Tell them it would be easier for them and nicer for the oldest, if they took one at a time.

givemesteel · 21/03/2018 06:55

I think the key thing for me is abroad versus UK. If the baby was ill or had an accident you could be in your car and straight there, you can't do that if they're in another country.

I also agree that you needing to have the childcare is different from just having a few days off because you want a break.

If you're actually going to be off I really wouldn't do it, if you're working and baby is with a childminder presumably you don't see them as much as you'd like anyway. It will be nice to have quality time with the baby without it affecting older dc.

DaisyInTheChain · 21/03/2018 07:01

It's hard but do you want to upset them, there will be times when you really want a break, if you don't have CM, could your inlaws feel put on that they have DC2 when it suits you. Your DH is right, it'll be quality time you can spend together as a couple.

Obviously ultimately it's down to you, what you say goes.

I just think maybe your DH doesn't see it the same way as you. He doesn't see it as a problem. You both really need to be on the same page, so make a list a tell DH why in your eyes it's really hard.

strawberrypenguin · 21/03/2018 07:14

It's a long time for DC2 to be away. I wouldn't like it. Couldn't you take leave to cover childminders holiday?

Locotion · 21/03/2018 07:59

I dont envy your dilemma. I can imagine how you feel. Hope it works out. I would just say no I think. Too long, too abroad. Not feeling much supoort from your DH is unhelpful and sounds stressful too.

Justanotherzombie · 21/03/2018 08:07

Thank god my parents come to me when I need childcare. They live far away but cover my Childminder's holidays for a week twice a year in our house.

I'm very relaxed about time away from my babies but I wouldn't be ok with any of them gone for more than a few nights at 13mths.

Original poster
lizzyfrombedlam · 21/03/2018 17:33

Thank you for all the replies; there is a lot to consider here.

DC1 understandbly gets jealous of all the attention DC2 receives; after all, they've had us to themselves for a fair few years, so I think the point about them needing alone-time with the grandparents is a very good one.

I'm very grateful that the GP help us out, don't get me wrong, but I do think that there is a difference between being in desperate need for childcare cover and taking the option of childcare when we don't need it. Then again, don't we need it as a couple, too. I don't know. I see his side, but it just seems too much.

Yesterday I saw my DC2 for a whole 10min in the morning and not at all during the day or evening. Having this sprung upon me on that specific day really didn't help.

Sadly, I have to work specific days and times, so cannot take leave when it suits me.

I have said I'd be happy for them to come over for a weekend here and look after them while DH and I take some time out in a hotel. But not again for a week or more. He's still not happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
lizzyfrombedlam · 21/03/2018 19:21

How far would you all compromise?

OP posts:
PuntCuffin · 21/03/2018 19:31

Blush I used to jump at the chance of sending DS1 off to my in-laws for a week (Inc w/e at each end) when he was that age. He had a riot, they got to spoil him, and I got a break. Sometimes I was away for work, other times not.

Sadly by the time DS2 came along, they were too old/infirm to be able to do the same, so he has never developed the same close bond with them.

Pleasebeafleabite · 21/03/2018 20:34

Maybe four days?

I’m not necessarily the best person though as I didn’t get to a week until my ds was at high school Blush

NFATR · 21/03/2018 20:38

I'm very grateful that the GP help us out, don't get me wrong, but I do think that there is a difference between being in desperate need for childcare cover and taking the option of childcare when we don't need it

I see what you mean but you might want to check then that they don't feel like you are using them a bit and its all on your terms?

Leeds2 · 21/03/2018 20:39

If in laws are happy to do it, I think it is quite a decent compromise for them to look after DC in your home, whilst you and DH have a weekend away. If it is successful, maybe they could do it again in the future!

Locotion · 21/03/2018 20:58

Im suspecting this is more about your relationship with your DH rather than just the babysitting aspect.

Bluelady · 21/03/2018 21:01

If they take all their grandchildren away for a holiday, it's completely understandable that they want to take your youngest. If I were them I'd feel quite used, like they're good enough for childcare but not for a holiday. Presumably your youngest is happy to go to them and enjoys being with them. When will you think he's old enough?

AppleAndBlackberry · 21/03/2018 21:13

It's nice to have time with your spouse but it's unusual for couples with toddlers, it's certainly not a 'need' to have a 10 day break. I wouldn't have left mine for more than 2-3 nights at that age.