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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have children because of DM and MIL?

45 replies

HungryHippo101 · 20/03/2018 16:30

Both DP and myself find our mothers incredibly irritating.

The one likes to be incredibly involved in our lives as a couple, to the extent that she massively oversteps the line of our privacy. Think things like nosing into medical issues, criticising what we spend our money on, arriving at the house and going into every cupboard/wardrobe possible as if to inspect us etc..

The other pretends not to mind that we are private people, yet either of us are likely to get passive aggressive text each weekend that we don't see her about how nice it would have been if we could have dropped in, and the disappointment etc.

This makes me really reluctant to start a family because

A) I think they could both be a real pain as grandparents
B) I don't want to be a mum if my children would feel about me the way we both do about ours!
C) I have never been completely sure about being a parent, and this seems to be tipping me

AIBU to let how I feel about them be part of the decision?

OP posts:
AlonsoTigerHeart · 20/03/2018 16:31

Or you could tell them their behaviour is unacceptable and stop tolerating it.

JoJoSM2 · 20/03/2018 16:45

If you don't feel like having kids, that's fine. But trying to blame it on dm and mil sounds completely ridiculous.

Bluelady · 20/03/2018 16:47

It's a pretty strange basis on which to make the biggest decision of your lives.

AngelsSins · 20/03/2018 16:49

You don't need an excuse not to have kids, if you don't feel like it's for you, don't have them! If you're not sure, just don't have any now, no need to commit to a future choice.

As for your parents though, you need to tackle your mum and he needs to deal with his

Bananalanacake · 20/03/2018 16:50

They go into every cupboard in your houseShock that is very nosy. I would fill one cupboard with vibrators and dildos and watch the look on their face.

upsideup · 20/03/2018 17:02

If you dont want kids then dont have kids, but you cant try and pretend you did but you Mum and MIL stopped you.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 20/03/2018 17:06

Think things like nosing into medical issues, criticising what we spend our money on, arriving at the house and going into every cupboard/wardrobe possible as if to inspect us etc..

"Get out of my cupboards, or get out of my life. Your choice. Do that again, and you are not welcome in my house".

PotteringAlong · 20/03/2018 17:08

The only issue here is c). If you don’t want kids, don’t have them. You don’t need to make up an excuse for it

user1474652148 · 20/03/2018 17:08

No they should not be part of the decision.

I would not have dc it is serious hard work and half hearted won’t work

Jessikita · 20/03/2018 17:10

You obviously just don’t want kids and are looking at excuses.

Don’t do this to yourself! It’s fine to not want kids. Just own your decision!

Ariesgirl1988 · 20/03/2018 17:11

I can totally understand! I'm in two minds on kids because I don't want to be as selfish as my parents were! I suppose though if you really wanted kids to remember how your mother is and how you grew up so you do the complete opposite in parenting your own children. Really though I would never allow any of my family to go down my things like that they would be kicked out of my home if you can't respect my privacy!

OutsideContextProblem · 20/03/2018 17:14

Honestly I’d move. I hear Tobermory is lovely (or if you already live in Tobermory, Pembrokeshire is super).

If you want a baby then move house. If you don’t want a baby, then don’t have one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2018 17:14

Have children if you want them. Do some work on boundaries first and/or whilst pregnant if you decide you do. Being a parent has been the most difficult and wonderful experience of my life. Only you know if you want to be one or not. But don’t base your decision on how you feel about your mother/mil. Odds on you’ll be very different in your approach to parenting because you are very much aware of how they are.

If I’d have taken the same approach as you, I wouldn’t be a mother. Dd and I are very close and she’s a wise bean - not sure what the teen years will bring just yet.

ZoeWashburne · 20/03/2018 17:15

If you aren't mature enough to stand up to your parents and set healthy boundaries then I agree you shouldn't have children.

morningconstitutional2017 · 20/03/2018 17:16

I can understand this. There are many reasons why I decided not to have children, parents are just a part of it, not by any means the main reason.

TwitterQueen1 · 20/03/2018 17:17

Assuming that both you and your DH will turn out to be exact replicas of your mothers, and you don't wish to inflict your future behaviour on any potential offspring, YANBU.

Since this is a totally ridiculous assumption though, you are being completely daft. As others have said, make up your own minds based on what you want, not on your mothers!

JessicaJonesJacket · 20/03/2018 17:22

Whether you have children or not, you have to set boundaries with your parents.
It's very immature to blame them for deciding not to have children. In fact it's so immature that I'd say you're not ready to have a family yet.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/03/2018 17:25

Sounds like you don't want children and you're grasping at other reasons to validate your decision.

If you and your H don't want them that's fine but not having them because of how other people might behave is ridiculous imo.

StringandGlitter · 20/03/2018 17:25

Why not get some counselling /therapy to learn how to say no and deal with people pushing against your boundaries.

There’s no magic words you can say that will make parents behave themselves with no discomfort to yourself, but learning how to deal with that discomfort will benefit you.

Then when you have a bit of emotional space you can make the decision about children from a position of strength and decide what you really want.

Cornishclio · 20/03/2018 17:26

Whether or not to have kids is not something you can decide based on how you think others will react to it. Parenthood is hard work and it is fine to say you don't want them. Don't base your decision on your parents wishes or how you think they will behave afterwards. You have to take them out of the equation completely.

As for the other issues you already have with your parents I suggest you set some boundaries.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/03/2018 17:30

If you're not having children as an up yours to your own mother, you're not mature enough to have children anyway.
What a ridiculous op!

Jux · 20/03/2018 17:31

You could move away.
You could tell them both to FOTTFSOF

You could behave like an adult. Personally I wouldn't see either of them more than once a month, that's two visits a month. Once there are children involved that will probably drop to once every other month each, unless you or they have changed a bit.

Yes, diving into your cupboards and drawers is intrusive and rude. Tell her so and tell her to stop it. Remind her that you're adults and it's your home and it's no longer her business.

Let the other moan. Ask her if she has any idea how offputting it is when she says it and that you're getting busier and will see her once a month now.

Trendy1 · 20/03/2018 17:31

How very peculiar. Do you want kids or not? That is the only question you should be asking. I have never heard of basing this decision on your relationship with your mother. Now my DD is late teens and yes, my mum is a bit irritating and I sometimes say, 'I am not going to be like her' so I am not like her and I am happy with the result. It really isn't as hard work as you are making it.

Viviennemary · 20/03/2018 17:39

If you don't want children that's up to you. But why base your decision on other people and what they did. You'll be the parent and should call the shots.

Original poster
HungryHippo101 · 20/03/2018 17:42

Well that seems to be a fairly unanimous response!

I wanted to know, even though I have found some of you a bit harsh, others opinions.

As someone with mental health issues (yes I am having treatments) I wanted a clear picture on whether others have let similar concerns influence big decisions

OP posts: