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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have children because of DM and MIL?

45 replies

HungryHippo101 · 20/03/2018 16:30

Both DP and myself find our mothers incredibly irritating.

The one likes to be incredibly involved in our lives as a couple, to the extent that she massively oversteps the line of our privacy. Think things like nosing into medical issues, criticising what we spend our money on, arriving at the house and going into every cupboard/wardrobe possible as if to inspect us etc..

The other pretends not to mind that we are private people, yet either of us are likely to get passive aggressive text each weekend that we don't see her about how nice it would have been if we could have dropped in, and the disappointment etc.

This makes me really reluctant to start a family because

A) I think they could both be a real pain as grandparents
B) I don't want to be a mum if my children would feel about me the way we both do about ours!
C) I have never been completely sure about being a parent, and this seems to be tipping me

AIBU to let how I feel about them be part of the decision?

OP posts:

bimbobaggins · 20/03/2018 17:42

What Zoe & Iamgrey said

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 20/03/2018 17:43

Nobody is obliged to have children, as everyone says - no excuse needed.

However do yourselves a favour and move several hundred miles away from both your mother's, enjoy the peace and if you want to think about whether to have children from there! Either way you'll finally have your own space!

Why does the cupboard snooper have a key?

fizzthecat1 · 20/03/2018 17:44

Move to Australia 😂

OP the people criticising you are probably mother in laws like yours haha!

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 20/03/2018 17:45

Autocorrect lives adding apostrophes mothers plural, not possessive (ironically).

Telstar99 · 20/03/2018 17:46

Have to agree with the posters saying this is a weird/lame/nonsensical reason to not have children. If you want none, then don't have any, but using your mother and his mother as an excuse is as bad as saying you don't want children because you live in a house that has a main A road within 5 minutes walk.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/03/2018 17:46

What do you mean by nosing into medical issues OP?

toomuchtooold · 20/03/2018 17:50

I think it's something to think about. First of all, if you're looking at colleagues/peers and thinking "they seem to be managing parenthood pretty well" it's important to remember that where they might have family support, you might not (or rather that the "support" will be half arsed/intrusive enough that you will prefer to do without it). The other question is whether the behaviour of both your mothers is part of a wider pattern of dysfunction, and if it is, you would do well to go to a therapist to work through some of that. You might be interested in the book Toxic Parents

MeganBacon · 20/03/2018 17:50

Why not just learn from their mistakes and be different?

LeighaJ · 20/03/2018 17:51

I'd move further away from both of them before having kids.

Original poster

HungryHippo101 · 20/03/2018 17:52

To not have children for issues I have with coping with my support network doesn't seem anymore immature/ridiculous than all the other (completely valid) reasons people don't have them for

OP posts:

Original poster

HungryHippo101 · 20/03/2018 17:53

I do like the idea of moving away, kids or not

OP posts:

LostInShoebiz · 20/03/2018 17:54

I understand completely. I was adamant I wouldn't have children with my father still around because he was so unbearable.

The support you have and the issues you face are all relevant concerns in deciding to have children. If it's easier to manage parents without children in the picture and you see it as a genuine choice, then so be it. If it will grieve you not to have children it might be a spur to take action about the parents (which is easier said than done - I couldn't)

Whenthereshope · 20/03/2018 17:57

Having children might be the best thing to bring your families together. My Mum really got on my nerves before I had a child. I was adamant she wouldn't be that involved with us when child was born. Fast forward 6 years and she's still annoying but I've realised how like her I am! I couldn't have managed without her, I can see far more of her good points. Her bond with my Son is beautiful and the thought that anything might happen to her fills me with dread! Most Mums are annoying! They're trying to be present in your life, they could just not care! Surely that would be worse?

Deshasafraisy · 20/03/2018 17:57

If you don’t want kids then don’t have them but to use your mothers as a reason not to is ridiculous. You could move away from them? You could ask them to respect your boundaries.
Imagine in 20 Years if you regret not having children because you wanted to spite your mother.

whatisausername · 20/03/2018 18:07

just tell them what to piss off

ohfourfoxache · 20/03/2018 18:10

If you take the dc issue out of it for a minute - why the fuck are you putting up with this?

MrsLupo · 20/03/2018 18:16

Ouch, some really rude responses here!

OP, I think you're actually really sensible to be giving this some thought ahead of time. The number of threads on here by people who never expected their parents/PILs to be obnoxious as grandparents is evidence of how few do. I think you would be OK, though, because you and your partner seem to be on the same page about this, whereas the couples who really seem to struggle are more often those where, for instance, the DH can't see what a problem the MIL is being to the DIL and/or won't have the necessary confrontation. Also, I think it's way less likely that you'll be this kind of mother to your own DCs having identified it as an area of friction in your own life.

The question of whether or not you actually want children is a whole other one, and though waiting a while is valid advice, you may be no surer...ever, in fact. In the perfect world some MNers inhabit, one thoroughly examines and understands one's motives in all things, but in the real world lots of us rather passively let circumstances play a larger role than we should, wait for accidents to happen, etc. If no one ever had kids unless they were absolutely sure about it, having thoroughly researched the realities, there would be a whole lot fewer children in the world imo (not necessarily a bad thing, of course...).

And as for setting boundaries with your irritating mothers...well, an excellent idea but a counsel of perfection for many. I'm sure you would be happier if you could manage it though.

DorisDayisMe · 20/03/2018 18:21

I think that it is not that easy to stand up to parents. I was a whipping boy for mine for decades. Sometimes their bullying is so subtle that it is hard to handle. Any objections you make are belittled. You are accused of being a drama queen, being precious, self centred, hurtful, not understanding what family means. The worst of all is “just wait until you have children, then you will understand”.

I would put your energy and resources into getting yourself well, and able to learn coping strategies, before starting a family. Despite my horrendous upbringing, I have a very close relationship with my children, who are now adults. I tried not to be like my mother, but lived in fear and expectation that my children would not like me when they grew up.

I wish I could have had some sort of help to. show me how to deal with them. Those who are critical of you on this thread, probably have had a very different start in life, or are just stronger personalities. It is hard not to take it to heart, but feel you are being strong to question your readiness for motherhood at present.

StatisticallyChallenged · 20/03/2018 18:27

Going to go against the grain a bit and say I don't think this is a crazy reason to be concerned about having children. Tough family relationships can create an extra layer of challenge.

My mum is pretty awful in many ways and I've found the way she is with my DD tough; started out acting like the perfect grandparent but there's a fakeness to it which is hard to explain but very definitely there. Then starts being pushy/demanding about time with her - my MIL was doing some childcare and mum was insistent that "it should be 50:50" like she was a fucking timeshare or something.

I actually ended up NC with her fairly early on in DD's life after she made a comment that was the sort of thing she'd said about me a billion times, but this time she said it about my baby. I realised that what I would tolerate for me, I wouldn't tolerate for her. We were back in touch after a few years but gradually her behaviour slipped again and it looks like we're NC again after she was obnoxious as heck over Christmas and upset DD - again, won't put up with it.

So I would be aware of the potential issues, but I wouldn't let it dictate your entire future. But you will need to be ready to draw boundaries, and be prepared that those boundaries might be stronger once you have a little one to stand up for.

bridgetreilly · 20/03/2018 18:29

Sort out your relationship with both mothers. And don't assume that you will be anything like that as a parent.

And then decide whether you actually want children.

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