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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step children

34 replies

Patricia786 · 20/03/2018 14:11

I have been married to a lovely man for a couple of years now and the only problem is is adult children (men in their 20's) He had long since been divorced when I first met him (he left his wife when she admitted her affairs) Its to long a story to explain the meaness of his children, I have tried everything and I am now at the stage where they can go to hell, I have had enough of their nastiness. AIBU?

OP posts:

YellowFlower201 · 20/03/2018 14:14

Without context there is very little anyone can say about this OP. What are you intending to do? not speak to them?

AllTheGoodOnesAreUnavailable · 20/03/2018 14:18

It's hard to give an opinion with so little detail.
Could you give a few examples?

BubbleAndSquark · 20/03/2018 14:19

Do they still visit often? If not then just arrange to do something else when they do.
If its a regular thing then maybe its time for their dad to start alternating with visiting them instead now they're adults so they're not at your house so often.

Try not to burn bridges. Just avoid them as much as possible in the hope that as they get older and mature a bit things could improve.

kaytee87 · 20/03/2018 14:19

No one can answer that without knowing the details

EweDoEwe · 20/03/2018 14:21

Hard to say with such little info.

What does ‘they can go to hell’ look like exactly?

Are you going to stop talking to them? Refuse to allow them into your home? Tell your partner to choose between them or you?

beanie690 · 20/03/2018 15:12

Without knowing the details, it's impossible to know if you are being unreasonable and overreacting completely.

Original poster

Patricia786 · 20/03/2018 15:28

I run 8 miles daily and I am tee total, its just a health choice for me, last Christmas I got beers, spirits and a lot of chocolate. I do not get a birthday card from any of them (I send their birthday cards) They invite us out for meals when they know I am working, its got so bad that their father does not even go now. Its been 2 years of petty spites now and I am at the stage where I do not want them in our home, this shouldnt make much of a difference as they only seen to pop in when I am at work. They all their parents would get back together, how after all the time apart and their divorce is beyond me, there mother has lived with someone for years.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 20/03/2018 15:32

I don't particularly think any of that is particularly awful. It just sounds like they don't know you all that well, why don't you invite them out for dinner when you're not working? It's not really for them to keep track of when you're working.

kaytee87 · 20/03/2018 15:33

Why doesn't your husband send his own children's birthday cards? He's hardly modelled great behaviour there so no wonder they don't remember to send you a card.

ZoeWashburne · 20/03/2018 15:37

Your H doesn't really sound great in this, either.

The beauty of it is, everyone is an adult. If you don't want to have a close relationship with them, you don't have to. But your DH is another story. Why would you discourage your H from seeing his children when you are at work. It sounds like you don't like them, so why do you want to go out with them?

TwoBlueFish · 20/03/2018 15:51

In all honesty crap Christmas presents and no birthday cards is pretty normal among twenty something men. When they invite you out why doesn’t your H suggest an alternative time when you’re both around? And surely he should buy his kids cards and presents.

I have a step mum who I don’t really know (there’s also a language barrier) and in all honesty i’d rather just spend the time with my Dad, but I know she makes him happy so I do try. My previous step mum I loved and still miss but she’d been in my life since I was a child and it’s much harder to build those relationships as adults.

Original poster

Patricia786 · 20/03/2018 16:02

I don't discourage him from going out with them, not at all. The three eldest have wives and the 4th is 21 and single. Christmas cards are just addressed to their father. The money they frequently borrow from their father is usually my money (I earn more than him) he rarely gets it back. I seriously have tried. My children love my husband, my whole family love my husband, I love my husband and I am getting fed up with his children's mother poisoning them against me. I work hard and I like an easy life, at 48 its not too much to ask.

OP posts:

Tara336 · 20/03/2018 16:03

I can sympathise I can’t say too much as would be outing but my DP has two adult daughters who were very nice to begin with but seems that once they realised that our relationship was serious became quickly hostile towards me. Especially once we bought a home together. My behaviour towards them had always been friendly and tried and succeeded in getting on with them until we began pooling our finances etc,

One does not speak to us at all now, the other has been incredibly rude to me on more than one occasion always when her father is out of earshot.

I try very hard not to say how I feel to him and it’s not fair and not his fault (although he has said in private that all they care about is money, not him). But it does make me upset and uncomfortable when dd2 visits now and I make myself scarce so effectively I am driven out of my home by her visits.

It’s a horrible situation and at times I have felt like calling it quits and walking away from a man I love deeply because I am sick of the drama his daughters bring into our lives (he has also said he said tired of it after a recent episode)

I wish I knew what the answer was

Hissy · 20/03/2018 16:04

You have a DH problem... he needs to bring them up to speed...

Tara336 · 20/03/2018 16:05

@Patricia786 i too am the one with money which makes the daughters behaviour even more ridiculous

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 20/03/2018 16:05

I'd just ignore these twats from now on. And your DH and sort his own cards to them. I wouldn't buy them any more presents either. They do sound like pricks to me.

RatherBeRiding · 20/03/2018 16:12

In your shoes I'd start by having separate finances, if your DH is giving them money that is effectively yours.

Stop organising their birthday cards.

If they send invites when they know you are working then your husband needs to respond by saying that he can't go because you're not free.

Otherwise keep up a polite but distant front and let the pettiness wash over you. At least they are all adults and have their own homes/lives so it's not as though you have to put up with this in your own home. Not that that excuses their behaviour, just trying to look for a silver lining.

Imsosceptical · 20/03/2018 16:15

The role of step mother can be a tenacious one...my friend was a step mom, no kids of her own and quite frankly no idea, she got it all wrong and i told her so many times, kids hated her and dad just didn't get it, however, your husbands kids are adults, what is the problem? they are adult enough to make decisions, be aware, understand, i would just push this all back to your husband, what is the problem with his adult children that can cause all this stress? if its money..whose money is it? do they know, actually...IM bailing you out, because I'm nice and i chose too, or is it, actually NO, sort yourself out, thats what your Dad says...

TheHungryDonkey · 20/03/2018 16:16

To be honest, the woman who is with my dad now doesn’t know half the story about what’s happened between him and my mum. Just the bullshit my dad and other members of the family have told her.

I have no wish to speak to my dad for being a dickhead or the woman he’s with for being either so blinkered she can’t see what’s happened or just too thick to ask questions.

Always always always two sides to the story no matter how long a couple has been separated.

Iloveacurry · 20/03/2018 16:18

For a start, have separate finances so your husband can’t use your money to loan to the children.

Lethaldrizzle · 20/03/2018 16:22

I don't think their crimes sound that heinous. And i don't think you can compare them to your kids. I think your expectations are too high

BewareOfDragons · 20/03/2018 16:24

Tell your DH that he can no longer give them any of your money.

And if he can't pay his share of the bills and you have to pick up the difference at home, then it's your money and he can't give it to them.

It's not lending when you never get any back.

Stand up for yourself and tell him you won't tolerate it any longer, especially for ungrateful, rude young men who are determined to be disrespectful towards you.

MsVestibule · 20/03/2018 16:29

Christmas cards are just addressed to their father.. From all four of them? So all of his sons/DILs have decided to do this? Surely your DH addressed that with them?!

crunchymint · 20/03/2018 16:30

I really don't see the issue here.
Your DH should be sorting out their cards and presents, leave it to him. Forgetting to send you a card is really no big deal and the presents sound like the 'generic' type of presents you give to someone you don't really know.
In all honesty most friends I have who have a parent who has remarried, are really not interested in seeing their parent's partner. They were adults when you two got together, so you are not a stepmum. Simply let him he meet up with his own adult kids, you really do not need to be involved unless it is a wider family occasion. I think you are expecting far too much here.

It is normal for parents who if they have the money, to help out their adult kids. But if you do not want this to happen, it is a conversation you need to have with your DP. The issue here is between you and your DP.

crunchymint · 20/03/2018 16:32

Okay their xmas cards are addressed just to their father. That is a snub. But you are taking all this, apart from the money, way too seriously. You are not their stepmum, and I think your expectations are way way too high and unrealistic.

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