I need advice and aibu

[downandout2]

This may be long, I've name changed as I've spoken about some of this before, but just want unbiased views and I'm driving myself mad.

Quick rundown.

Met DH in 2008, fell pregnant 9 months into relationship. My little boy was born sleeping, when I was taken into hospital to have him, DH was using that time messaging another woman quite intimately rather than come to hospital. I did it all on my own, then arranged and attended his funeral alone.

Next had my son, DH left me in hospital once I'd had an emergency section, to go home and message this same person.

I didn't know at the time of these incidents that he was messaging this woman, this all came about when my DS was 1.

There has been a lot more things happened, being awful to me whilst drunk, letting his family be awful to me, turning his phone off and heading into strip clubs.

But this morning something else has come to light, my best and closest friend said she had something to tell me, she played me a recorded phone call, where DH stated he was at work, and he'd taken her number from my phone, then told her I'd said she fancied him. And he was laughing, the way he said it, it was like he wanted her to say she did fancy him. It was awful to listen too.

She didn't tell me until now, as she didn't want to hurt me, but once I opened up about how I was feeling about him, she decided to play the recording. Now all this happened 6 years ago.

But I feel this is the last straw, and if I'd have known what he did with the phone call, I'd never have carried on with the relationship. AIBU? Or am I being pathetic and should get over it?

My head is a mess, I don't have any family, it's just me and the kids, he comes home at the weekend, and he's awful to be around, I've just had enough now, but I can't throw it all Away for something silly can I? Or is that all in my head and it's not something silly?

I'm so sorry this is so jumbled, I'm crying as I'm writing this.

From your description, he doesn't respect you or care for you to have left you to deal with the births of your children alone, allowing his family to be awful to you and him being terrible to you too.

For perspective, my daughter was born sleeping. My husband didn't leave my side at the hospital or after. If my husband had behaved like yours I would have walked for that alone. I've not said that to upset you, but to point out that it sounds like you have put up with an awful lot that no one should have to deal with and that he has ground you down in process.

You are not thowing anything away by leaving. He has by his actions. Good luck.

Sorry for your loss @downandout2

That must have been really tough to go through all that essentially alone, YANBU. Hi

Can you imagine swapping places with him and texting guys while he's in hospital dealing with a stillbirth? No? That's because you and he feel totally differently about each other. He doesn't love you.

Anyone who can be so cold and heartless is emotionally gone imo. I'm glad your friend finally told you the truth, that must have also been difficult for her.

I'm afraid to say the behaviour you know about is very likely to only be the absolute tip of a very large iceberg. He's destroying your confidence and belief in what is real.

End things or at least take a break for a while to heal from all this. With a bit of distance you'll develop a better perspective on things and hopefully will be able to see him in a different light.

Sorry, I have just realised that the section wasn't for the child who was born sleeping, but I don't think that significantly changes the essence of what I said.

He won't change but even if he did (He won't) he still did all those awful things. I would say not meeting his own son or going to his funeral and not supporting his wife through the funeral are pretty unforgivable things. I wouldn't be able to forgive that and move on.

Keep telling yourself " he won't change"

I think you've been hiding this bad behaviour for so long you thought you'd cover his tracks quite well. And now you realize you didn't and it's all lies (because your friend knew) The fact you've only recently opened up to her is quite telling.

I'd have left him straight after the funeral and not looked back - the bar was set (sadly) very low at that point -

Run - run fast and move on - you and your children are a family - you don't need him to claim that title. AND you will all be so much happier without him shadowing the mood

Thanks for all your messages. Yes regarding my first son, I was rushed for an emergency scan, found out my son had died, I delivered him and sorted everything out on my own, he never once asked about him, or asked how I was.

When I found the messages he'd sent to this women, it was the exact time I was In hospital, and yet he was at our home telling another woman how much he loved her, and asking her to come over (we were in a different country)

Then his brother started saying nasty things about my son, instead of defending us, he just sat and went along with it all. Every year that passes he doesn't know his birth date, due date, and has no interest in seeing the pictures and footprints I've got of him.

What you don't want to do s look back and realise that you wasted your life and have a child that's affected but you hung on in hope of a miracle.This sounds like the time, it's hard but not as hard as the life you have now.

I know you're all right, the scary thing is, he doesn't think he's that bad. I've tried telling him what he's done and how he's hurt me, and he always gets angry and says I just keep bringing the past up.

I know I need to get away, I won't ever feel happy with him.

Sweetheart he has thrown it away not you.

All three of the examples you have used are not small but massive issues.

Even 1 of those would be more than enough for anyone to leave. If this was 6 years ago and you didn't know I can only imagine the things you don't know about.

You deserve better than this.

Love is only worth something if it is productive and good for your life if it's not then it's like any other damaging thing in life your better of without it.

would you tell your child to stay with someone who treated them so shockingly awfully well son you love her so you have to stay and that's the end of it?

The best thing is for you to leave find you happy elsewhere you have your life to live and he's just going to spoil it for you. Time to think of you.

He sounds awful so I would ditch him as soon as you can make arrangements. Leaving you to deal with a stillbirth on your own and not caring how you were or not defending you is awful on its own. Flirting with your best friend and messaging other women, maybe more is bad too. How can you trust him? You and your children deserve better.

No he never met our son, and he actually stood back and let his family say awful stuff about him

Just reread that.

He didn't come to see him own child. He didn't support you when you were grieving. He didn't go to the funeral for his own son. Ask that in itself I'd bad enough. But to let someone bad mouth his own child, who was born sleeping. What the actual duck?? How can anyone find anything bad about say about your son and who the duck would just sit back and let their family do so.

I'm so sorry you have wasted so many years on a guy who doesn't deserve you. I'd walk in a heartbeat. You can have a family with you and your kids, where you are respected and loved Bush the puerile you live with.
You may meet someone else who treats you how you deserve.

This isn't a silly thing, none of those incidents. I suspect it feels different because before it was just stuff to you, you could control who knew. Now it's someone else you have to face it a bit more. She should have told you 6 years ago but that's passed, use her support to move on.

I have never so vehemently meant LTfuckingB

He can go be with the love of his life and you can be happy

Why did you stay with him after your first baby died and he behaved like scum? Please see you and your son are worth much more than this and leave this abusive arsehole.

Do you have any friends or any support at all in RL? Can you see a solicitor? Do you own a house together?

OP

You will never have your happy ending with him. You will never have that family life you dreamed of. So every moment you spend hoping that somehow he will suddenly change is actually just delaying the part of your life where you find someone else who is everything you want.

Dump his sorry arse and go find someone who deserves you!!

I have never so vehemently meant LTfuckingB

I agree. What you have written is very hard to read. You must have such low self esteem to have needed to come on mumsnet to ask if you are being unreasonable! You can cope on your own. You managed to cope with your stillbirth and all the pain that must have surrounded that with no support from him. That must have been the worst time of your life. You are stronger than you think you are and you can do this for the sake of your DC.

@StaplesCorner I stayed because I wasn't really thinking, the whole time is a complete blur, I put my head down and somehow managed to get through it. I didn't really talk or anything for quite a few months. I blamed myself a lot, at the end of the day, it was my body that killed my child, and I have to live with that.

I think that's why I let him get away with his behaviour. Because in my head my son dying was my fault, and id also taken away his son too. So I just let him carry on as he was.

I do have low self esteem, I think nothing of myself, I was raised by men who frequently abused me, I grew up being viciously name called. So I think I just got use to it, I feel i must do something or be the bad person because all these people treat me the way they do. But I don't want to live like that anymore.

I know I've given him the world, I've loved him with every ounce of me, I've given him children, I've supported him through some awful events in his life. I've done so much. And I get nothing in return. I'm so fed up of feeling so alone.

It's the straw that broke the camels back I think OP, we all have a limit and it sounds like you've reached yours. It's not one thing, 'silly' or otherwise, it's the accumulation of all the shitty stuff he's put you through and this latest discovery has tipped you over the edge.

I can see why it was this thing actually, pursuing your friend is like a double whammy of disrespect. Not only does he have so little respect for you that he would try to cheat on you but he assumes your friend will think little enough of you to potentially say yes. Your life would improve immeasurably without this man dragging you down

That's terrible OP, leaving now will literally save your life and improve your own child's chances in life.

You need to get advice and help ASAP - can you tell us about your practical circumstances, how can you make this happen? Can you start to plan?

I would say if a man is going to have his Eureka moment
It would be when his DP is in hospital miscarrying his child. If that wasn't it, it sure as hell would be when she was in hospital having had dramatic surgery to delivery his next child
His Eureka moment was that he cared more about the other woman than he did about you and your children- that is what struck him in those horrible horrible times you were going through.
But why do you think your body killed your baby? Who has made or allowed you to feel like that. You need to tackle that thought.
I get the impression you don't feel you deserve freedom and happiness and you do, you really do. No matter what he and his family feel.

@Hidingtonothing I think you're right, he knew this friend helped me through loosing my son, and she was all I had, but he still did what he did.

It's all I can hear, his voice going round in my head, listening to that phone call was awful. It was just so obvious what he was doing. And my friend just sounded shocked.

I can't believe it's all come to this.

@StaplesCorner I'll sort something, I do know now that I can't live like this, this thread has been a massive eye opener. I knew it was bad, but I didn't quite realise how bad.

@incywincybitofa I have no idea. That's just how I've always felt. I've lost 3 babies altogether, J was the hardest for me, when I fell pregnant with him, I saw him a my chance for a family, it was such a shock but I was so happy.

To go from that to holding him in my arms, and pleading with him to breathe, he was so perfect and beautiful. I never wanted to let him go, I just wanted to go with him. I feel like a part of me is missing since he died, I've never felt the same, and I've never gotten over loosing him. I feel like I've never had anyone to share that pain with. I've been so alone with it.

Can you speak to your GP about getting counselling? Understandably you are clearly traumatised by what happened with your son. You need support and your DH is never going to provide that. SANDS can also offer support www.sands.org.uk/support?gclid=Cj0KCQjwv73VBRCdARIsAOnG8u3wm91ChfyIxWw4sNNnZ7VP40NjGYBFAslH1NcvX8YCOxYJv73Lu-caAhrVEALw_wcB

I wish I could hug you through the screen OP, you've been through so much

@Fruitcorner123 I've had therapy, it doesn't really help. I try not to speak about any of it now, as it just breaks me, even saying his name.

But I will make an appointment with My gp and see if anything else is available.