To not have sex

[Aspoonfullofsugar]

Been with DH for 16 years, since we were very young. I had been sexually assaulted twice in the preteen years and was very vulnerable.
Since the beginning he's always pushed sex on me even if I said no or I'm not in the mood. He has always had problems with E.D so if I said no he would expect a hand job which could easily last a couple of hours and he would ask again the next day.
If I said no completely, he would take it as rejection and make an argument, sulk etc and try again the next day.
4 weeks after middle child was born he added 'toys' into the bedroom, I wasn't ready to have sex yet (waited only 2 weeks after dc1's birth, in which I tore) I went along with the toys but have never liked it. Mostly him getting me to do things to him.
At one point I avoided the toys and he said he didn't want to have quicky, it had to include foreplay which in his mind was toys. When we didn't have sex, it would a guilt trip, would cause arguments and he would be very hard to live with. I was exhausted and he was expecting 2 hour sex sessions regularly.
It came to the point where I sat on the floor and cried when he tried to initiate.
He hasn't asked since and we haven't had sex for months. He has made pointed comments that he regards sex as being a sign of love and being close to someone.
I'm really dreading him bringing it up which will happen eventually, I don't have any support network and am in a situation where logistically, just getting the DC to their schools at the moment requires us both. I need a bit more time (6 months - a year) but if I don't think I'll get it if I don't have sex with him.

Birds - His childhood wasn't great. And his brother committed a sickening sexual crime on a family member, there must have been factors in their childhood that warped sex.
As regards to speaking to someone IRL, it's a bit tricky. I lost all of my family and friends when I met him as I was brought up in a well known cult like religion - family and everyone I knew, cannot talk to me.
I haven't been able to make new friends as DH 'only needs me' and cannot understand me wanting to spend time with others.
Getting therapy would be tricky as he would be against it and I cannot make a phone call or go somewhere without him knowing.

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate them all.
I know I need to leave, of course I'm scared. I've never been on my own.
He's not a nice person. He does help with some housework and interact with our youngest child but not much else.
My DD asked me why I married him the other day and if I regretted it. I think she will be glad to be away but I do need time as otherwise thier education/safety would suffer greatly.

OP you'd be better on your own than with him. You'd actually have the time and space to think about what you want and put yourself first for a change.

I think in the long run your DCs education wouldn't suffer that much and surely they'd be safer away from him and with a happy mother?

I've reported Greendale - again - yawn.

I'm sorry your H is sexually abusive OP. Please get specialist help to leave him. I don't think you know what the future holds for you in terms of sex because you have only had abusive experiences. It may be completely different for you in a loving relationship with someone who isn't a rapey cunt.

Just wanted to say I think you are very brave to be able to talk on here about this and hopefully this is the first step to getting out. Don't be afraid of being single it will most likely be just what you need. If you want to have a sexual relationship in the future you can but if you don't you don't have to. Both choices are fine. If your DD thinks you should leave him then I would say its affecting your children too. Please find the support you need to leave. If it means they have to go to another school would it be that bad? He is an abusive man and a far greater risk to them than a new school and social housing.

So sorry you have no friends or family to talk to. Can you make a phone call to womens aid while he is out at work?

LTB - this is not healthy!

My DP wouldn't ever pressure me to have sex with him under all circumstances, this isn't normal behaviour at all. It's very unhealthy & you need to escape this relationship to live a happier life.

Take care of yourself

He should never have behaved this way to you. Sex isn't a sign of love when he is coercing you, guilt tripping you, pressuring you or manipulating you. I'm so sorry OP. I think if he won't respect your boundaries and give you back control over when you have sex, you have to ask if you can really be with him.

Not everyone likes sex. You may never want to have sex again. That's totally fine - it's a valid decision to make. Maybe one day if you find someone who respects and loves you you will, and that's also fine. But what isn't fine is being constantly pushed and coerced into something you don't want.

Aspoonful what you have endured over the years is horrific

Well done for bringing up such a fantastic daughter - if she an see that things are wrong, then clearly you have done something remarkable as a parent, by equipping her with the critical thinking skills to realise that her home life isn't normal.

I totally understand about having to be very careful how you set about leaving (my sister was in an abusive marriage for years) - your safety comes first, and of course you need to have the financial means to live on. But I think approaching women's aid/rape crisis, as suggested upthread, may give you help in planning how to escape safely and with somewhere to go to.

Maybe you should have been most honest with him from the start about your reluctance to have sex? Seriously? After what op wrote in her op, THAT is what you conclude??

Greendale - the OP being honest with her H about her sexual past would be very, very unlikely to have changed anything about his behaviour.
I used to hang out with someone I really fancied (we weren't a couple at any time, and I'm so glad about that now as I realised eventually he was also a complete arsehole and I had a lucky escape); I also have an alcoholic father, not one who gets violent when he's drunk but he has put the family through a lot of pathetic, unnecessary shit over the years.
So much so, I don't like being round drunks, but this guy used to get drunk every time we went to the pub, in spite of knowing fully well how I felt about it.
OP, I really hope you can get the help to leave from somewhere, you're very brave to talk about it here. I don't know how I'd manage in your situation.

Hairyball - Thank you. That made me cry! I'm acutely aware that my daughter is watching.

Both schools have been chosen for specific reasons. Changing schools would impact them severely.

Oh, he knew. It was a big deal. After the first SA when I was 11 - by one boy, I was diagnosed with PTSD and wouldn't leave the house for 12 months. I was finally ready to receive treatment when we moved, only for the second SA to happen at 12 - by six boys and a girl. I met DH through a childhood friend just as I was coming back out of my shell from it.

I am reminded of a quote from one of my favourite authors (fairly rare - a feminist scifi/fantasy writer - Bujold), approximately: How do you tell the difference between not liking sex, and not liking the only person with whom you've ever done sex.

If what works for you is a life without sex, that is absolutely fine. But don't totally exclude the possibility that the problem is that you are married to an utter bastard, and that with an ordinary decent person who respected and cherished you, as you deserve, you might feel different one day.

Sex is obviously quite traumatic for the OP but I can kind of see the other side too.

Being rejected, turned down and not having sex for months can be equally as frustrating as being asked for sex when you don't want it.

I don't think the problem here is an abusive partner, I think the OP has some issues that need addressing regarding her past.

@kubex erm you have clearly missed the bit where the OP said about having to have sex after her first child was born and only 2 WEEKS old. Or the bit where he doesn't like her spending any time with anyone else, or phoning anyone for help as he would know. This is an abusive relationship.
OP. I think you need to speak to Womans Aid and get some help to leave this situation. You will be much better without him. You also need to get some help with regards to the assaults you experienced when you were so young as I do not think this has been addressed properly.
Good luck

If someone is coerced into sex by manipulative and sulky behaviour and pressured- that is rape and abuse.

Yes rejection can be heartbreaking, i have been on that side. That's why you talk and discuss and work together. Or you realise you are two different people and go your seperate ways.

You don't become a rapist and abuse anyone.

He has abused you and still abuses you. You need to leave this man who has no respect for you. You deserve better

Aspoonfullofsugar Mon 19-Mar-18 07:24:59
and I cannot make a phone call or go somewhere without him knowing.

Does he go with you to take the kids to school? Could you speak to staff there, maybe ask them to call women's aid and see if someone from there can meet you at the school? (I don't know if they do that). Or ask another mum for similar help?

kubex
what if one partner withholds all affection yet alone intimacy if it doesnt lead to sex? is that okay?

OP I think you need to get far away from him as soon as you can.
(I appreciate it is easy to say and harder to do).x