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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have sex

68 replies

Aspoonfullofsugar · 18/03/2018 22:51

Been with DH for 16 years, since we were very young. I had been sexually assaulted twice in the preteen years and was very vulnerable.
Since the beginning he's always pushed sex on me even if I said no or I'm not in the mood. He has always had problems with E.D so if I said no he would expect a hand job which could easily last a couple of hours and he would ask again the next day.
If I said no completely, he would take it as rejection and make an argument, sulk etc and try again the next day.
4 weeks after middle child was born he added 'toys' into the bedroom, I wasn't ready to have sex yet (waited only 2 weeks after dc1's birth, in which I tore) I went along with the toys but have never liked it. Mostly him getting me to do things to him.
At one point I avoided the toys and he said he didn't want to have quicky, it had to include foreplay which in his mind was toys. When we didn't have sex, it would a guilt trip, would cause arguments and he would be very hard to live with. I was exhausted and he was expecting 2 hour sex sessions regularly.
It came to the point where I sat on the floor and cried when he tried to initiate.
He hasn't asked since and we haven't had sex for months. He has made pointed comments that he regards sex as being a sign of love and being close to someone.
I'm really dreading him bringing it up which will happen eventually, I don't have any support network and am in a situation where logistically, just getting the DC to their schools at the moment requires us both. I need a bit more time (6 months - a year) but if I don't think I'll get it if I don't have sex with him.

OP posts:
MrsMaxwell · 18/03/2018 23:29

He sounds truly awful OP and I do not ever say stuff like that on here lightly.

Leave him, he does not deserve you.

IdblowJonSnow · 18/03/2018 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mehhh · 18/03/2018 23:40

No constructive advice but sending my love op x

Ariesgirl1988 · 18/03/2018 23:44

he sounds like a bully! if he was a loving husband who cared he would understand your issues and be gentle not try to coerce u into it I think he's being unreasonable not you! I think your should make it very clear to him that he won't get nothing if he keeps up this behaviour. If he does kick him out

Ennirem · 18/03/2018 23:48

Greendale you can go and fuck yourself if that's your response to the heartbreaking OP above. Shudder to think what kind of a cold heartless shit you must be. Don't care if this does get deleted for abuse, you deserve it.

Ennirem · 18/03/2018 23:49

OP you need to leave him. Do not for a single second worry about where he will go or how he will manage, that is not your problem. You have got to get yourself and your kids away from this fucked up, exploitative abuser. You deserve so much more xxxx

stayathomer · 18/03/2018 23:50

I think you need to look at councilling or maybe consider your marraige not continuing. I would never ever normally say that but it's all not okay. Talk to somebody, honestly and take care. If you don't feel comfortable it's your right to not do anything but you need to talk to someone and him about it

Allthewaves · 18/03/2018 23:53

I would concentrate on you and ignore sex pest. Perhaps talking to someone will give you the strength to decide what you want from this marriage as you sound so unhappy.

moita · 18/03/2018 23:56

Please speak to someone irl. You deserve so much better.

cowshindtail · 19/03/2018 00:15

So sorry that your marriage is like this as it sounds very like mine.He also pushed me for sex too soon after a traumatic birth involving episiotomy ,forceps and lots of stitches.He claimed that it was his conjugal rights.I too stopped asking for cuddles as he just took it as an invitation for sex.I divorced him 20 years ago and it was definitely the right thing for me to do.

user1473878824 · 19/03/2018 00:38

OP, I don’t really have any advise - I don’t think I can say anything constructive because I’m so angry at your husband for putting you in this situation and for what he has done to you, but I didn’t want to read and run and I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You deserve far, far better than this. Please listen to what the other posters (apart from the goady idiots, hard as that is) have to say on here. Relationships should never, ever be like this. X

almondcroissantplease · 19/03/2018 00:47

Leave him ASAP - he isn't the right person for you. This is abuse and not what a loving relationship entails. The guilt feeling about sex and the worry about having to do it won't miraculously go as the damage has been done - this doesn't mean there isn't hope in the future with another partner Thanks

Lalliella · 19/03/2018 01:07

Please ignore greendale they are victim blaming, don’t rise to it. This is rape and emotional abuse OP you need to get out of this relationship when you can Flowers for you

Whatevszz · 19/03/2018 01:20

Please get help OP Flowers

windchimesabotage · 19/03/2018 01:22

this is so sad Flowers I hope you find the strength to leave him. He is treating you very badly. You dont exist for his pleasure, that is not what love is he is talking shite.
Please dont worry that all men are like this. Some are its true but there are many out there who wouldnt treat you like a piece of meat that owes them sex.
You dont need to rush into another sexual relationship with anyone if you dont want to but please dont worry yourself that it would always be like this whatever you do. Because the problem is really not you its him. You would certainly feel very differently if someone was actually supportive and considerate with you! Flowers

nocoolnamesleft · 19/03/2018 01:23

Oh hell. Have you ever actually known a healthy sexual relationship? Or is this abusive coercive rapist your only sexual partner, after the abuse you suffered as a preteen? This is not healthy. This is not what a sexual relationship should be about. Sex should be something you have when you both actually want to. And it should only be one part of intimacy. It sounds very much like he took advantage of you as a vulnerable young person, and has never stopped.

You deserve better than this.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/03/2018 01:24

Oh god OP run away, what a disgusting excuse for a human being he is. Not helpful I know but find a way to leave, he is a bad person.

sleepyhead24 · 19/03/2018 01:37

He should not have been trying it on 2 weeks after you have given birth , he has ED so brings in sex toys etc, does he have a porn addiction? (Which can make ED worse?) He wants you to wank him for hours on end no wonder you aren't up for it he sounds awful I wouldn't be surprised if he's going elsewhere for his fix (prostitutes etc) divorce him OP he has no respect for you as a human being he just sees you as a masturbating aid I hate men like this !!!

BrendasUmbrella · 19/03/2018 02:37

I'd probably prefer not to have a sexual relationship again, or maybe I'd feel different out of this situation?

But that's fine! A lot of women seem afraid to be single, even if they are coming out of abusive relationships, but it's healthy to spend time on your own. In fact if you wanted to be happily celibate for the rest of your life, that's great, as long as it's a positive choice. I was single for 9 years after my marriage ended and when I did finally meet someone I liked it moved very slowly because I had become self sufficient and happy in my own company.

Once you're free, take as much time as you need so that when you meet someone you're with them because they enhance your life, not because they manipulate you and want to use you. You're still very young, too young to write anything off yet. But you need to heal, and you can't do that while you are living with an abuser.

Birdsgottafly · 19/03/2018 05:11

I think that you are probably both better off out of it.

When you started out together did he also have a troubled background? That never ends well, but you cling on to each other..

You need Counselling/support before you start to be honest with him about not wanting a sex life. Otherwise you are in danger of being manipulated by him and convinced that you are the bad guy, in all of this.

As a couple and you, as an individual can then decide on where to go next with it all. As for the future, you don't have to think about that yet, but there isn't any need to be in a relationship.

Your starting point could be the GP or one of the Support Charities.

CherryMaDeary · 19/03/2018 05:31

Ignore Greendale, he is misogynistic in most of his posts.

Shoxfordian · 19/03/2018 05:49

Can you call Women's Aid? Your husband is coercing you into sex which is completely unacceptable. I also think you could do with some counselling to talk it all over. Also a divorce; get yourself safe and away from him as soon as you can.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/03/2018 05:57

I cannot believe he coerced you into having sex 2 weeks after giving birth especially when you’d been stitched up. It must have been incredibly painful. Then adding sex toys less than a month after the second birth. Vile. It really isn’t surprising that you feel like you never want to have sex again with anyone. This is terrible abuse in itself without all the other things you have described. He’s treating you like a piece of meat to fuck, not his loving wife. I hope you manage to get out. You and your children deserve so much better. Flowers

seventh · 19/03/2018 05:59

Can you go and talk this through with someone? Do you have a local rape crisis centre? Or women's aid?

He has serious issues - please don't blame yourself for this.

seventh · 19/03/2018 06:02

Oh and @Aspoonfullofsugar - please do not blame yourself as @greendale17 suggests. I think in a list of right and wrong , not telling him about your sexual feelings back at the start, pales into insignificance after the times he has raped.