to be hurt regarding my DM's comments

[poughkeepsiegirl]

I am pregnant with my second DC. I already have a DD who is 4.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and the whole pregnancy has been plagued with bad luck - not the actual pregnancy I should add but within the family. One family member died quite suddenly, another has received the last rites within the past couple of days and another was on the brink of death just after new year. It really has been boody miserable and I didn't announce my pregnancy until I was 24 weeks due to the real awfulness of what was and still continues to go on I also had a miscarriage in May last year which I coped well with and moved on quite quickly in the hope it had just been one off bad luck. I think it's just been a shitty shitty year altogether.

Anyway onto my AIBU. My DH and I were round at my DM and DF's today and I started to talk about the new baby and how we'd need to start looking at buying some things and I was looking forward to focussing on something positive. I was saying that if it's a boy I'd need to to buy news clothes (a lot of my DD's clothes are vac packed) and we're going to buy a baby swing. Mentioned some names we liked etc. Just general chat after barely mentioning my pregnancy for the past 30 weeks. My Dm Went a bit funny during the convo and my DH also noticed this.

Once we'd left she text me to say that she thought we were scrounging for money now my DH and I have never asked for money from our parents and probably never would unless it was financial dire straits. I am so embarrassed and angry that when I finally after 7 months of pregnancy start to speak about it and getting organised I'm accused of scrounging.

My DH thinks it's hilarious and that she's lost the plot.

I don't even know what to say or do! HELP!

@poughkeepsiegirl I would be inclined to ask what you have ever done to give her the impression you wanted/needed her money? Purposely point out how little money/gifts she gives you (which is fair enough) as she clearly thinks you take from her.

Sorry OP. I don’t want to upset you further, but was her relationship with the ill people?

I agree with the previous poster. Texting is no way to sort this. Sounds like you, and your family have had a bad year. I’d pick up the phone and talk. She’s your mum. Ask her why on Earth she would think that. Being excited about what you need to get for the baby is totally normal and normally people share their excitement with close family members. You can make it clear. You DONT want their money but it would be nice if you can talk about the baby without them thinking you’re scrounging. I’d make it clear that this is a really upsetting th8ng for them to say to you, and you expect an apology. But talking is oh so much better than texting.

Sorry *but what was her relationship with the ill people?

I would probably have replied "good job I wasn't, at least now I know"

Maybe just just not thinking straight with everything going on?

Agree that this is a very odd response from your mother! But you've reassured her that isn't what you were angling for so I would leave it at that and then continue to talk about the pregnancy. You shouldn't feel like you should have to ignore it, that's really sad. She's obviously in a weird place right now and maybe is worried about money if they've had to pay funeral costs. Maybe she's projecting because she feels guilty they can't contribute?

I think you’ve been given some shockingly bad advice on this thread. Presumably your mother is also bereaved and possibly not in a great state of mind at the moment either, I think you should cut her some slack.

Money can become an incredibly sensitive topic in families when death happens. It’s an expensive business and also wills become an issue. I think it’s probably because you’re not grabby this hasn’t occurred to you. Could your mother perhaps have thought that you were making some sort of clumsy reference to inheritances which might be due to you or her? Has your DM had to pay expenses related to the deaths at all so is sensitive about money at the moment?

I think cutting her out of the rest of your pregnancy over a minor disagreement when she is also a bit vulnerable is massively out of proportion.

I think I'd be inclined to point out that you've never asked her for any money so why would she make such an odd assumption? How hurtful for you.

It was close family. I am hesitant to give all the relationships in case I'm outed.

Sometimes our parents can misinterpret things. Not sure how old they are but mine are guilty of completely getting the wrong end of the stick quite often.
I would just text saying sorry no we aren’t after any money. Then move on ask if they are ok and try and put it behind you.

@poughkeepsiegirl ok, you've finally said that your mum was and is close to all the dead and dying. Cut her some slack. I behaved very weirdly last year when someone died, and I didn't know I was being weird because I was in the grip of bereavement stress. Honestly, I think you need to recognise that your mother is, as we like to say, not herself at the moment. And in all likelihood you're not yourself either. It's a dangerous time all round, and a time to try and be extra understanding and kind.
Oh, and congratulations on your second child, and I hope it all goes well and things change. Things will change. Breathe.

If I were you, I might reply one last time to say, “I can assure you that if I were in need of money from you, I would ask you directly, not hint. However, DH and I’s finance are well sorted, so I can’t imagine such an occasion presenting itself in the future. Please refrain from making such baseless assumptions next time, as your comment took all the wind out of my sails when I was quite excited to share new baby prep news with family and friends.”

You’ve already said it was a horrible year, so can you not imagine how your poor mum is feeling? What she said was foolish, but I think you need to be the better person, under the circumstances and give her a break. You both have a lot going on and you don’t need bad feeling between you on top of that. If she’s a good mum to you and grieving, put it behind you and enjoy your pregnancy.

You don’t need to stop talking to her about the pregnancy, maybe just calm it down a bit. It’s very difficult to feel joy for others if you’ve lost someone you live. Your mum will get there in the end.

Don't be embarrassed, this is about her not you.

Text back, "Mum, you've totally got the wrong end of the stick, I am not asking for anything. I am just excited to talk about my pregnancy after so many sad events." Then leave it as that.

If you feel you need to say sorry, you could say "Sorry, you've got it wrong."

put it firmly in the "mum is mad" box and firmly close the lid.

If your mum is normally nice then I’d be a bit worried about her, it seems like she can only see the worst in the situation and not anything good, which is quite sad really. As others have said, it might be that grief is making her a bit odd.

I think you should tell her you are upset with her.

I like Annie’s reply.
I’m a nasty cow so would probably put something like if we did need anything we’d ask mil as she’s bought loads out of joy anyway.

She's still nasty OP... that was a nasty thing to suggest when all you were doing was excitedly talking about your baby ideas.. she was downright nasty... you sound lovely OP and didn't deserve the snippy texts