to be hurt regarding my DM's comments

[poughkeepsiegirl]

I am pregnant with my second DC. I already have a DD who is 4.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and the whole pregnancy has been plagued with bad luck - not the actual pregnancy I should add but within the family. One family member died quite suddenly, another has received the last rites within the past couple of days and another was on the brink of death just after new year. It really has been boody miserable and I didn't announce my pregnancy until I was 24 weeks due to the real awfulness of what was and still continues to go on I also had a miscarriage in May last year which I coped well with and moved on quite quickly in the hope it had just been one off bad luck. I think it's just been a shitty shitty year altogether.

Anyway onto my AIBU. My DH and I were round at my DM and DF's today and I started to talk about the new baby and how we'd need to start looking at buying some things and I was looking forward to focussing on something positive. I was saying that if it's a boy I'd need to to buy news clothes (a lot of my DD's clothes are vac packed) and we're going to buy a baby swing. Mentioned some names we liked etc. Just general chat after barely mentioning my pregnancy for the past 30 weeks. My Dm Went a bit funny during the convo and my DH also noticed this.

Once we'd left she text me to say that she thought we were scrounging for money now my DH and I have never asked for money from our parents and probably never would unless it was financial dire straits. I am so embarrassed and angry that when I finally after 7 months of pregnancy start to speak about it and getting organised I'm accused of scrounging.

My DH thinks it's hilarious and that she's lost the plot.

I don't even know what to say or do! HELP!

[PositivelyPERF]

was she close to the ill or passed people? That would influence my feelings towards her comments.

[Gemini69]

your Mother was nasty.... I'm glad you sent Cheryl's response.. think on it no more and enjoy your pregnancy... tell them to stay the hell away.. in case it incurs unspecified them costs.. that which would obviously distress them

[mylaptopismylapdog]

I would just explain that you too have felt it has been difficult year and that you were grateful that you had the new baby to look forward to. You don’t need any money but would like to share your joy for the future after such a difficult time.

[Gemini69]

explain NOTHING... you've dealt with it.. the end

[Nofunkingworriesmate]

Gosh how awkward! My mum was a lovely mum who when stressed could get the wrong end of the stick, maybe being older and around all the death has made your mum over think her own mortality/wills ect and its playing on her mind. Hopefully your text will straighten it all out and you will be able to all enjoy this pregnancy

[LeighaJ]

Geez I thought discussing getting organised for a baby with parents and in-laws was completely normal run of the mill conversation when expecting. Your mother is being unreasonable and quite rude.

[Cheekyandfreaky]

Has she had to pay for a lot of stuff this year (not for you just generally)? Maybe she has been thinking that she wouldn’t be able to afford to buy something big for the new baby and your conversation just brought her insecurities to the surface? Obviously that’s not what you intended but it might be how she’s seeing it?

[NotTakenUsername]

She has been shit for sure. This whole year has been shit by the sounds of it, for you all.

Giving her the extreme benefit of doubt, as you haven’t said she has form for this... could she feel guilty that she hasn’t been showing an interest or picking bits and pieces like last time and the conversation pricked her feelings of guilt so she lashed out...? Don’t underestimate your Df input and interpretation of things if it was awkwardness in person, followed by a text after they had discussed it.

Less kindly, maybe she bought the bits for Dd because first babies are more exciting or girls clothes are nicer to buy, and now she feels somewhat obliged but unwilling to do the same for Ds...

Or of course something else.

Whatever it was, it was bad behaviour and a short curt response would be how I would react - even if a more understanding one would be more advisable.

[poughkeepsiegirl]

She has responded to say that she felt like when we were talking about the things we were going to buy that we were hinting for money.

I think I know now that i probably shouldn't discuss the pregnancy with her any further.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Well, you should be able to discuss it with your mother! What’s wrong with her?!

How did you respond to her last reply?

[onalongsabbatical]

Is she grieving, OP? Grief does very, very strange things to people. What's her relationship to the death and the two imminent deaths?

[Ihatemyclients]

So sorry OP, I can totally understand why that was hurtful. I think you responded perfectly and it's a shame she hasn't apologised for what was a pretty inappropriate and unkind comment! You shouldn't feel like you have to watch what you say around her in case she misinterpreted it.

Hopefully she'll realise she was inappropriate and back off a bit. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and may your baby bring you lots of joy after a really hard few months

[Troels]

I'd just text back. No we weren't. At her answer to your text and leave it. Don't appologise or explain, she was the one with the wrong end of the stick who needs to say sorry.

[Elllicam]

I agree with Troels, a simple we weren’t.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I’d text back something like ‘I have no idea why you’d think that. I haven’t ever asked for money since I got my Saturday job when I was 16, half my lifetime ago. We are more than able to afford to buy what we need. We were simply chatting to you about getting ready for the baby arriving, because it makes a nice change to think about something positive. But rest assured, we won’t be doing it again, we’ll keep our excitement for those who share it’

[Lonesurvivor]

Text back "no we weren't, we'd mistakenly thought you would've been interested"

Grieving isn't an excuse for treating other people badly or deciding to view them in a negative light. She is in the wrong and is trying to justify this. If she gets away with this it'll probably start a pattern, nip it in the bud now.

[Bluelady]

I know this might be considered a little radical when text seems to be the preferred means of communication but why not just call her and have a proper conversation that's less open to misinterpretation?

[gamerchick]

I think I know now that i probably shouldn't discuss the pregnancy with her any further

That’s such a shame. She’s acting oddly.

[teaandtoast]

Maybe other people have been asking for money so she's a bit sensitive if she thinks that's the way the conversation's headed?

[NotTakenUsername]

Grieving isn't an excuse for treating other people badly or deciding to view them in a negative light.

It’s not an excuse, no. But in an otherwise positive relationship it might go some way to explain the odd behaviour. None of us are perfect, we could do with a little grace here and there.

[Dobby1sAFreeElf]

Your DPs haven't inherited any money have they?
I was pregnant with DC1 when my GM died, and there was a lot of chat from random family about how I'd probably be expecting a bigger handout of barely anything, as there was no money left. But then there was a lot of jealousy that I was wearing some of her jewellery for the funeral that she had gifted me a decade previously.
My family have previously gone slightly bonkers around time when inheritance has popped up.

[poughkeepsiegirl]

My DP are comfortably off but my own DH and I work full time in good jobs and save a lot of money so we don't need anything in terms of financial support and never have. I'm just a bit perplexed by the whole thing. She hasn't inherited any money that I'm aware of.

[MrsMozart]

Tell her that she should know you better by now. That you're hurt amd perplexed by it. And that unless she can be more open and honest with you then you'll take her lead and treat her in the same manner, ie expect that everything she says has an ulterior motive.

[TalkinBoutWhat]

Wow poughkeepsiegirl, that's horrid of your DM.

I know my instinct would be a great big 'fuck off' and strop away from my DM if she gave me that sort of crap. Very hurtful.

But, if she's never been like this before, what might have triggered it? Does she think you and your DH are short of money for any reason? Did any of the people dying leave/ intend to leave her any money?

All very odd. But even odder that she's re-stated it instead of apologising that she's got the wrong end of the stick.

[Dobby1sAFreeElf]

Would your DM have been expecting some money that hasn't materialised? This is normally what has sent me family bonkers. A felt entitlement to inheritance that never materialised. Not that anyone needed money either, but felt cheated because they'd decided they deserved it. I appreciate my family are odd though, so this may not be your DMs issue.