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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this erection situation....

60 replies

inmyshoos · 18/03/2018 11:11

So in this situation ...

New relationship. Would you, when kissing/lying on top each other/touching through clothes etc assume that when you reach to touch him he would at that stage be erect? I'm guessing there might be a bit of erectile dysfunction but dont want to jump to conclusions. I've certainly never had this with any other partner but then that was pre marriage/divorce so would have been younger and so would the men!! He is 50s.
AIBU to think erection should be happening before having to 'work' on it Hmm or is this normal at this stage in life?

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 18/03/2018 11:48

Teutonic Grin

MandrakeLake · 18/03/2018 11:48

I think it depends on the health of the man to a large extent. A healthy man closing 50 really shouldn't have that much trouble.

notapizzaeater · 18/03/2018 11:49

It could be perfectly normal. Had he any underlying medical issues ? Being diabetic sometimes causes ed. Tbh in this day and age it's nothing to be ashamed of. Agree it's like menopause for the ladies, we don't ask to be 'dry'

AjasLipstick · 18/03/2018 11:51

It's not that old....is he generally fit and healthy? I wouldn't automatically think "Ah, it's his age" at 50 or so.

HAven't you discussed it? I mean...if you're sleeping with him, you're intimate enough to ask about it?

MagicFajita · 18/03/2018 11:51

I don't think you can generalise based on age op.

It depends on many things - how tired a man is , how preoccupied they are , time of day etc.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 18/03/2018 11:53

There’s no such thing as ‘normal’ really is there? Every bloke is different. It does sound like he should get his health checked to make sure there is no underlying problem. I wouldn’t say the situation you describe is too concerning at his age.

Actually I think you sound quite nice and caring.

MatildaTheCat · 18/03/2018 11:54

The refusal of wine would indicate that this is an issue for him, possibly more because of performance pressure in a new relationship.

Are the mornings any better? And if you are close enough to be exchanging bodily fluids you could just start a conversation and ask for any hints to help him along and offer reassurance that it’s not such a big deal for you.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 18/03/2018 11:58

matilda brewers droop is a thing.

WeAllHaveWings · 18/03/2018 12:04

My friend is dating a man in his 50s and she said he can get hard fairly quick and maintain it so I'd say it's not always common for a man in his 50s.

So on the basis of 2nd hand information of one man's erections you are saying it is not common for all men in their 50's? Maybe your friends bf is the exception/uncommon one?

OP, a quick google says sexual function sharply decreases after age 50, have you discussed it with him? Is this been the same for him for years, or a sudden or gradual decline?

If he getting there after a bit of encouragement are you both happy making the effort (not sure I would when I was in my 30's and if he was in his 50's, but different if you are both around 50's)? He sounds aware and its positive that he would prefer to dodge a glass of wine so he can be with you.

category12 · 18/03/2018 12:13

I'd think it was age. Nothing wrong with the little blue pills, you know - can give you both the confidence it won't just go in the middle. (That is if he's medically able to take them, natch).

pringlecat · 18/03/2018 12:18

What's his hair like? Some men take pills to try to keep their hair and refuse to admit they're taking them and/or to acknowledge the side effects of those meds...

FleeceNavidad · 18/03/2018 12:20

My DP is mid 50s and when this happened, he went to the Doctor's and they found he has high blood pressure that was affecting it.

mygoditsfullofstars · 18/03/2018 12:32

He could try using Maca. Supposed to be very good for increasing testosterone/hard-ons.

lovemylover · 18/03/2018 12:34

He needs to have his prostate checked,might have prostate problems,if so needs sorting sooner rather than later this can happen, does he need the toilet a lot, especially at night?
50s, can be relevant

Original poster
inmyshoos · 18/03/2018 13:01

I'm early 40s he is late 50s. I am worried that mentioning it would highlight things. Make him feel there is a problem and maybe he doesnt think there is. He has mentioned before that it was unusual for him to be hard again in same night after having sex earlier and that he was 'raring to go again in no time at all.' At the time I did think that my memory of that was quite different. To me he had maybe got a semi later after quite a bit of work. This too makes me wonder if he is over thinking the whole erection situation because there are issues. Or Is this the norm for him and he is seeing things differently to me.
He is losing his hair so maybe he does take pills? I'm not sure. He also has mentioned having a full head of hair before which again I thought was strange as he doesn't, he has a receding hairline and a completely bald bit at back so this makes me feel he might not want to talk openly about his erections or lack of them. Possibly feeling insecure about aging and the age gap might not be helping.

OP posts:
Teuchterlass · 18/03/2018 13:13

Perfectly normal. I have known myself pause to grab a drink from the bedside table turn back and the damned thing is deflating already. It's like "Really? 10 seconds and you feel abandoned?"

'Old people' sex is fun and unpredictable just go with the flow. We often stop for a cup of tea in the middle if things aren't progressing as you might want! Grin

Original poster
inmyshoos · 18/03/2018 13:25

Oh well I love a good cuppa so that would be fine with me Grin
Will just see how things progress and not over think this. It's early days anyway.

OP posts:
Lordoftheringsting · 18/03/2018 13:28

If it happens a lot then it’s more likely desire related. Also if he has used porn a lot pre your relationship, it could also have an impact.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 18/03/2018 13:34

I've asked him about porn. We've discussed it openly. Claims doesn't use it. He is keener than me by far so not sure it's a desire thing. He initiates the sexual contact too so think desire is there.

OP posts:
lovemylover · 18/03/2018 13:44

It could also be a confidence thing,as its a new relationship,
Happened with my new partner,and older than 50s, a bit of time and patience and reassurance from you if hes worried will go a long way,
Have you tried a BJ,that is what got my partner going again, but having said that he also has a prostate problem ,now being treated as more serious than thought

Original poster
inmyshoos · 18/03/2018 13:53

It can rise with help from hand/mouth but I suppose I was just surprised that It can die so easily and doesn't always rise when we are rolling around quite passionately kissing on top of one another just about to dtd

OP posts:
category12 · 18/03/2018 13:57

Viagra

Original poster
inmyshoos · 18/03/2018 14:01

Viagra? What just crush it into his food when he isn't looking WinkGrin

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 18/03/2018 14:08

It’s not an age thing, it’s an individual thing. Depends on the person, person there with etc. If a man hasn’t ejaculated for say 24 hours, he’ll be different than if he’d ejaculated 3 hours ago

Cleanermaidcook · 18/03/2018 14:12

Dh who I'm sure will be so happy I'm sharing this is approaching 50, sometimes it takes work, sometimes not it depends onot his mood, how tired he is, if he's hadoing alcohol (more than 2 glasses of wine and he can't come)
But then sometimes I'm just not in the mood, am tired, etc so I assume it's normal to not be up for it all the time.
Talk to him about it!