DH weekends away?

[namechange9988]

I just would like some other opinions on "heated debate" dh and I have just had! I don't know if i abu or whether he is...!

Context, he is going away on a 4 day stag to Portugal in May, he's been on many a stag for long weekends the last few years, he was away for a long weekend last year with friends to watch rugby in Paris, none of which I've ever had a problem with. Nights out aren't super often but again something that is never a problem. He's just asked me how I feel about him going away for the weekend for another sporting event two weeks after the stag in Portugal, I won't say What as to not give too much away but it's an event he would play in (socially, he used to be professional) but it's basically a pi** up weekend which is aimed at a much younger crowd, probably more 18-mid 20's, he's mid 30's (I know as I've been before when younger and it's well known for it) he would go and on a team for some boys (all early 20's oldest) that he employs in his current business and also play the sport.

I said that no I wasn't really happy with that, considering the situation and considering the stag two weeks prior. We also have two DC, 3 and 6 months. He's now got all shirty about it and annoyed I suppose because he assumed I'd be all for it. AIBU?!

If I wasn’t getting time away as well I’d be pissed off. I think that’s at the heart of this.

DH has always had weekends away with mates. As soon as it started to piss me off - it pissed me off as I felt put upon, he was having a break and leaving me with his children to look after whilst he went and had fun - I started to arrange similar.

I’ve been to many European cities now with a good friend - when the DC were v small only one night but now they’re a bit older I’m up to 3 nights. I know it’s tit-for-tat, but it’s amazing how it makes any resentment melt away! Especially if I stay in a really lovely hotel, go out for wonderful meals etc.

I remember one time, in Lisbon, just sitting in the sun in a cafe for hours people watching and relaxing, sipping wine. It was utter, utter bliss.

You married a man who is a bit slow to grow up. He has two little children fgs.
So he likes to go on stag weekends - I suppose that's normal for some blokes once in a blue moon but the full weekend piss ups with lads 10 years younger than him .
I don't know, meeting up with friends for a pint regularly or going away for the odd weekend to play sport is normal I suppose but I can't get this image (see pic) out of my head and if this is him, he needs to grow up!

If money is no issue he should go. It's sad that you don't get to go away much (because of your anxiety) but is it right for him to miss out for it?

I think the tit for tat stuff is childish.

I want a partner who chooses to spend his free time with his family, not his mates on piss ups.

It wouldn’t bother me at all, I’d be planning my weekends away with friends.

That's fine. But - to me, anyway - that's a set up for two single people who are casually dating. Not for a family with two small children. When do the children get time as a family with both parents?

I think it's not on as your kids are so tiny looking after them is hard work and lonely. Don't think either of us went away without the other in the early years, but all the stags and hens were over. I wouldn't have minded the odd stag but the sports stuff is too much. Especially as the kids are so young you might not. Want to go off yourself.

Roll on a few years kids 9 and 11 and we both have numerous weekends away with friends \sports no problem.

If he needs that many piss ups (and the latest one is not even with his proper mates), sounds like he has a drink problem as well

DH wouldn’t want to go away for 2 weekends so close together. He works long hours all week so likes to spend the weekends with the DC, as he doesn’t see them much during the week.

I wouldn't have a problem with it but then we don't have children

I do think you shld start doing more yourself op and leave the children with him occasionally

I think it's bad firm to start to dictate what a partner can do. Unless he planned and organised the second event it is out of his control. Sheer bad timing.
Finances don't seem to be an issue.
If you want more family time start to book it in. Get a family organiser diary and agree days out etc in it.
I think this is the time the rot sets in with 2 kids, when the expectation of the wife shifts, and what was ok with 1 kid isn't with 2.
It's a weekend away. That's all. I'd hate it if my DH said I couldn't do a hen weekend and then a girls weekend 2 weeks later.

If you want more family time start to book it in. Get a family organiser diary and agree days out etc in it.

How depressing.

Organised fun.

You can't make a partner motivated to want to spend time with his family.

Agree speakout that ‘booking in’ family time is pretty depressing. Family time is the norm for us, as we have a family! A young family, that we made the decision to have together. It’s everything else that gets booked in.

Many weekends away over the YEARS! Not like he's out every weekend. 2 weekends away in one moths sounds a lot but if its the only two weekends away in 6 months as well then its fine.

If you can cope then why wouldn't you let him go? You can go away with your friends another time. Surely you want a normal husband who has friends and socialises? Just because you've become parents doesn't mean you have to become stay at home martyrs!

Chienrouge same here.

" family time" is the default position. My kids are older now- so often do their own thing with friends, but when they were young we did pretty much everything as a family.
We socialised as a family too- with other families and their kids.

I think it's bad firm to start to dictate what a partner can do.

If it's just the two of you? I agree. But when you have two young kids, if you do something outside the family, then it automatically dictates what your partner can do, because they'll be looking after your children. I agree with speakout and chien on this; I think having to fight for time as a family is hugely depressing. Having children is a joint decision and, pretty obviously, changes your life hugely. I think it must be pretty miserable to be constantly scheduling "your time" and "my time" rather than seeing yourselves as part of a family unit.

When do the children get time as a family with both parents?

There are 52 weeks in a year

Thank you for everyone's replies! It's interesting to see the points of view.

I think it can be difficult, of course, to know a family dynamic from a post on here, but he's not someone that would rather spend time away then with his family, he's an incredible dad and husband and does everything he can to make time for me to do the things I do enjoy (gym/nails etc, basically anything that doesn't take me away from DC for too long) but then I also never "stop him" doing a anything and I didn't say "NO YOU CANT GO!" But rather expressed that I wasn't really up for it!

I suppose these two weekends just fell on the same month, one that's been planned for months and the other just turned up last night and I'm a SAHM, he works long hours during the week (new business) and I miss him and struggle with the long hours some days with the kids so when the weekends come the thought of him not being here while they're so young (and 3 YO excited to do stuff with him) makes me a bit sad and daunted at the prospect!

We've never actually spent a week or night away on our own in the 3 years since DC1, we should make the time to do that, we just don't live near any family and I really worry about leaving the kids and worry while they're so young it'll just taint the time I'm away because I'll be so worried!

Is he bothered at all about barely seeing his baby for those weeks - I assume he is at work all day?

yeah ffs the baby is 6 months. probably not settling at night and maybe breastfeeding. Even if formula fed, it's likely OP has been doing the majority of feeds and settling. If her DH thinks it's no biggie to go away for 2 weekends that to me suggests he has no idea of the intensity of care required at the moment - so it doesn't surprise me that OP doesn't want to leave them.
Those of you saying it's her problem and she should get away too - it's not always that easy and if you had a baby you could leave, you were lucky.