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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be almost too scared to go to my Mums inquest

45 replies

onlyoranges · 17/03/2018 21:58

Please be gentle with me I know this prob isn’t the best thread to post on but its the busiest and I am desperate for advice. My Mum died in hospital due to serious medical failings. Her inquest is coming up soon and my anxiety is through the roof. I am so scared I will hear something I didn’t know even though I have read all the medical reports which was such a hard thing to do. We were so close and I miss her so much, we spoke/saw each other everyday. She was my best friend. I feel if I don’t go I would be letting her down somehow. Has anyone been to an inquest? Someone said it may give me closure but I don’t know. I have created these nightmarish scenarios about how she suffered whilst I wasn’t there to help her so maybe they cant say anything worst than I have already imagine. I just don’t know what to do. I am crying everyday now as its getting closer and can barley cope with my anxiety. What should i do. You suggestions and support are really appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:

BifsWif · 17/03/2018 21:59

I’m so sorry for your loss

Yes I did, I went to my little brothers. We had a really good police liaison officer who helped make the whole thing easier, do you have anyone who could support you?

BifsWif · 17/03/2018 22:00

You don’t HAVE to go if you feel it would be too much, I didn’t decide until the last minute. Be kind to yourself x

Chickenpie9 · 17/03/2018 22:04

Heart goes out to you I hope you get some support whichever decision you choose to make so sorry for your loss

Original poster

onlyoranges · 17/03/2018 22:05

Would you both mind sharing as much as you feel comfortable to. I would really appreciate it. I think part of my fear is the unknown. Yes, I do have support thanks xx

OP posts:

MidnightVelvetthe7th · 17/03/2018 22:06

My DP has been in that situation, when he was younger his brother was killed by a drunk driver, DP didn't go to the inquest as he said it would change nothing & he didn't need to know the details.

Its up to you, don't feel obliged, you certainly don't have to go. If you would feel guilty about not going then use the time to do something else & remember her, visit somewhere special to you both or buy some flowers or burn a candle, just something that's dedicated to her so you don't feel bad for not going.

Be kind to yourself OP, I'm so sorry for your loss

Goawayquickly · 17/03/2018 22:06

I'm sorry for the loss of your lovely mum 🌹 there will be volunteer staff there who will look after you. Everything will be clearly explained and the process will be quite businesslike. You'll have a chance to ask questions and if you want to leave the room someone will escort you.

It's not a great thing to go through but it may give you a sense of closure. This is based on my experience, others may have had different experiences.

Oldraver · 17/03/2018 22:09

Be prepared that it is an open court anyone can go in including the press.

I was surprised they repeated my words and it made it seem like they had interviewed me. It was really disconcerting

ChinkChink · 17/03/2018 22:10

Is someone going to represent the family?

goodbyeeee · 17/03/2018 22:10

I go to inquests as part of my work. Do you have anyone to support you or a legal representative? Families should be at the heart of the process and the Coroner should have this at the forefront of their mind. As an interested person you should have had the relevant evidence sent to you so hopefully there should be nothing out of the blue. for you.

MyGuideJools · 17/03/2018 22:14

I went to my dad's inquest.
it was just me and DH, a coroner a journalist and a secretary. The Dr couldn't make it so the post mortem report was read out. It was very quick and we could ask questions if we had any.
Everything is recorded and you can buy a copy if you want.
I was really nervous as I didn't know what to expect. It was emotional, simply because they are talking about your loved one!
But the coroner was very kind and considerate and the secretary took us to one side beforehand and explained what would happen.
I'm glad I went as I felt I was somehow representing my dad.
I feel for you

Original poster

onlyoranges · 17/03/2018 22:15

We can’t afford a solicitor so no one is representing us.

Oldraver will they read the statement out that I wrote?

OP posts:

BifsWif · 17/03/2018 22:17

The coroner was lovely to me.

Basically, all the evidence was presented and a verdict was given. It took around an hour and the press were present, and reported incorrectly but that’s a different story.

We were told about injuries and the injury that caused the death.

I heard things that weren’t nice, and if I’m honest I probably wouldn’t go to another. I would wait and hear the outcome in my own home, but I don’t regret going. It was incredibly difficult, I felt like I was reliving everything all over again and I didn’t hold my emotions well.

burblife · 17/03/2018 22:20

I'm sorry for your loss

I found i did get a sense of closure when I went to my stepdads inquest with my family. There were questions about his care from GP and in hospital and it really helped to hear all evidence and for the coroner make a final decision. However we did agree with the verdict. I'm not sure how it would have been if the outcome was different. I might have found it brought up more questions than it answered in that case.

Have you got someone to take for support? It can be tough going through all the medical information and as you say thinking about a family member suffering. I felt that we had done all we could have done at the end of the process.

notsohippychick · 17/03/2018 22:20

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I don’t have any advice but I’m sure other lovely people will do. I just wanted to wish you the best, send my condolences and let you know whatever you decide is ok.

Much love xxx

burblife · 17/03/2018 22:21

Also it took a whole day as there was so much evidence to go through.

Oldraver · 17/03/2018 22:23

OP I dont know, they may.

I have to say I thought I didnt have any choice but to go, that's how it was presented to me

Original poster

onlyoranges · 17/03/2018 22:23

Yes BifsWif that’s what I am worried about reliving it. Even reading the reports makes me sob! I don’t know how I am going to hold it together emotionally. As I said as it gets closer I am crying more and more.

I just have this feeling if I don’t go I am letting her down it was just her and me and I know she would have gone for me.

We had a date then it was postponed as the coroner wasn’t satisfied with some of the witness statements and wanted them re-interviewing so the delay has made it feel more stressful if that’s possible!!

OP posts:

Beeziekn33ze · 17/03/2018 22:33

Some years ago I was on a coroner's inquest jury. My abiding memory was that everyone involved genuinely wanted to discover the truth about the death. They all really cared about the deceased and their family. It was all much kinder and more understanding than we expected.
I hope you'll have a relative or close friend with you at such a difficult time.

HelpTheTigers · 17/03/2018 22:39

Sorry for your loss OP .
My only experience was as a Juror in a Coroner's Court case. This would have been a different type of situation to yours though and the case lasted for three days.

The family of the person who had died did not feel able to attend, but they had sent in questions that they wanted to be asked of the witnesses. As the person who had died was a very unpleasant individual, I would suspect that this was part of the reason why they did not attend. The Coroner asked various questions of each witness, as did the members of the Jury. We did take into account all of the points that the family members had raised.
I don't have any suggestions or advice to offer, other than it may help if you viewed your decision in terms of - would you regret it if you do, or would you regret it if you don't. Either way, you can raise your questions with the Coroner.
Hope that you are OK.

Charolais · 17/03/2018 22:43

If it was the person that I loved most in the world I would not go to their inquest. No way. And I know they loved me enough to not want to see me upset by it. I don’t think you are not letting her down.

Heck, I could sit through most other people’s inquests, but not the person’s I loved the most in the world.

So sorry for your loss, she was lucky to be loved so much by you. xxx

BMW6 · 17/03/2018 22:54

I was a witness at the inquest of my partner who killed himself over 30 years ago. They couldn't have been kinder.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and do what is right for you.

chinam · 17/03/2018 22:56

Op, it sounds like you had a lovely relationship with your mum. I'm sure your mum would not feel you were letting her down if you decide not to go.

ChinkChink · 17/03/2018 22:57

This is key OP.

If that is your feeling then I would steel yourself and go otherwise you may long regret it. Life can be very harsh but facing up to terrible situations is part of it.

I would say, however, that your gut feeling may be wrong. You don't know for certain that it's what she would have wanted or expected.

My earlier post asking about someone representing the family wasn't about legal representation - just someone from the family observing a duty to the deceased.

Very sorry to hear of your loss.

Papergirl1968 · 17/03/2018 23:01

I attended probably hundreds of inquests as part of my job.
Coroners are always businesslike but very nice to the families and understanding that they have been bereaved and finding it hard. Some coroners can be more formal than others. And some inquests can last literally a few minutes while others take days.
The verdict is usually a foregone conclusion - accidental death, misadventure or whatever - and in a way that’s not the important bit. What is more important is that the coroner will say if he or she thinks anything can be learned from the death to stop it happening again.
The coroner’s officer will explain everything and you can if you wish choose to sit outside while the medical evidence is being heard, if you would find that particularly distressing.
As others have said, they are sometimes reported by the press.
You might regret it if you don’t go, and it might give you some answers, but of course you don’t have to.
You can ask questions of anyone giving evidence, or there might just be statements read out.
Just another thought, I often see adverts for law firms specialising in medical negligence. I think they operate on a no win, no fee basis, but it might be worth approaching one as they would possibly attend the inquest with you, challenge the doctor or whoever is representing the hospital etc. And of course possibly get you compensation, although nothing will bring your mum back.

Coastalcommand · 17/03/2018 23:08

Coroners are usually lovely and will explain everything in the kindest way possible. Don’t worry about getting emotional - it’s completely normal. Big hug to you.

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