To be almost too scared to go to my Mums inquest

[onlyoranges]

Please be gentle with me I know this prob isn’t the best thread to post on but its the busiest and I am desperate for advice. My Mum died in hospital due to serious medical failings. Her inquest is coming up soon and my anxiety is through the roof. I am so scared I will hear something I didn’t know even though I have read all the medical reports which was such a hard thing to do. We were so close and I miss her so much, we spoke/saw each other everyday. She was my best friend. I feel if I don’t go I would be letting her down somehow. Has anyone been to an inquest? Someone said it may give me closure but I don’t know. I have created these nightmarish scenarios about how she suffered whilst I wasn’t there to help her so maybe they cant say anything worst than I have already imagine. I just don’t know what to do. I am crying everyday now as its getting closer and can barley cope with my anxiety. What should i do. You suggestions and support are really appreciated. Thanks

Firstly OP I'm really sorry for your loss, and especially in circumstances where things have gone wrong. Part of my job involves training healthcare professionals about inquests and what to expect. Each area is slightly different - some areas are very formal and appear very much like a court room, some may be at the courts/youth courts whereas others can be literally almost open plan council buildings. You should have a Coroner's officer who is liaising with you so speak to them and ask if you can go and see the court, it will help you get your bearings. Usually the proceedings will be opened quite formally and the Coroner should explain to you that they are looking at the answers to four key questions, which is who died, when, where and how, or by what cause. The who/when/where is usually fairly straight forward and they should also explain that it's about finding answers rather than apportioning blame. It's not common to have a solicitor/barrister represent at Coroners court and they are well versed in supporting families so should give you all the guidance you need. Most often you will be called first - the Coroner may read your statement and then ask any questions they have or if there is anything you want to add, or they may ask you to read it. Prior to this you should be given the choice of the Oath (so swearing to tell the truth on the Bible), or affirmation which is basically a statement saying you promise to be truthful. It's your personal preference which you choose, nobody will think anything of it regardless of which you opt for. You will have a copy of your statement in front of you and anything they ask is only to help them get a handle on what was happening, give them the picture. If they ask you anything you're not sure of its perfectly okay to say that you don't know, they aren't trying to trick you. They will then call the other witnesses in order - often chronologically according to at what point they treated your Mum, with the earliest person treating going first and closing with the last physician or pathologist if there has been a post mortem. At the end of each witness you will be given the chance to ask any questions of them and the Coroner may also ask questions to clarify. It may be worth writing down any important questions to help prompt your memory if you think that will help. They will then usually be discharged - some may stay, some may choose not to. In some cases the hospital may have a representative there from their quality and safety team - a nurse, solicitor or risk manager - their job is to support the staff to be honest and open, not to help them cover anything up so please don't worry about them. Once all evidence is heard the Coroner will adjourn (each time they leave or enter the room the Court Officer will ask all to stand/be seated etc... just follow their lead). They will deliberate and then on their return will formally state the answers to those four questions. The most conte tipus is usually the how, and they can either go for what is known as a short format conclusion (e.g. Natural causes, accident, suicide, neglect etc...), a narrative verdict which is basically a statement summarising the evidence heard or a combination of both. Often in healthcare related cases it will be a combination. They will pretty much always offer their condolences and if they feel there has been a failing which could contribute to the death of others may state that they are raising a Regulation 28 report which states their concerns and can be sent to the hospital advising they need to take action - again, this is for the hospital to worry about rather than you. At the conclusion the court officer will approach you and advise you when any documentation e.g death certificate can be collected. The court is a public hearing so yes press can attend, sometimes you may get medical students but it's certainly not a free for all despite being less formal than other court proceedings. You should have all statements in advance so I wouldn't expect any major surprises but clearly this does depend on the line of questioning from the Coroner so I would say prepare for the worst hope for the best. I hope some of this might help you feel a little less anxious - it's never a nice experience but everyone is there to give your Mum and her passing the clarity she deserves and ensure that any lessons which need to be learned have been. Only you can decide whether attending is the right thing to do but every Coroner I've had the pleasure of working with has been very clear, they are there to serve the deceased and their family so they do very much go out of their way to make things as straight forward as they can x good luck whichever way you decide, I hope that you and your family get the answers your Mum deserves x

No advice OP, I just want to send virtual hugs ((((((Hugs))))))

Dearest op, I am so very sorry

You can contact the charity Inquest for advice if you haven’t done so. They advise families in your position

You can also speak to AVMA - they are a medical negligence charity and should be able to give you some info on your options including potential no win no fee options and the time limit that would apply for claiming in your case. I contacted them about a family issue we had and they were very helpful

Sorry to mislead- I forgot inquest only cover deaths in hospital if in metal health settings/multi agency failure.

I would still contact avma though

Virtual hugs from me my love x

onlyoranges
From what others have said, it sounds as if you will find support if you decide to go.
However, it's just me and my (grown up) daughter and we are very close. I know that if anything happened to me I would want her to be protected as much as possible and only to do things that would help her heal. I bet your Mum wouldn't mind about whether you go or not. She would just want you to be as happy as possible - it sounds as if you had such a good relationship with her and that is the greatest gift that you could have given her.

In time I hope that your pain starts to ease a little and you are able to enjoy your memories of being so close.

CountryGirl1985 while I'm not the OP I just wanted to thank you for such a concise outline of proceedings. I would not have known what to expect but your information has been reassuring.
Thanks

I’m sure your mum wouldn’t want you to have to go through more pain and anguish than you already are. You won’t be letting her down if you don’t go x

My DM was killed in a car accident last year. Her inquest will be sometime this summer. I have pretty much decided I won't go. The medical information I was given (and I'm a nurse) in A+E that night was more than enough, I heard things I can't unhear and I don't want further details. My mum was a believer in people not doing things because they felt they 'had to' IYSWIM, so I can live with my decision.

I went to my mum's and it was very hard hard but I needed to be there. I'd be happy to tell you more detail via pm if you like?

Your lovely mother would want you to do whatever was the most comfortable thing for you to do, if that into going then that is the right thing to do

Sorry I meant isn't going

If you are imagining all sorts of scenarios, I think you will regret it if you don't go: you will torture yourself with thinking that maybe you missed some important information and imagining what that might be.

How awfully sad OP . There is nothing like the loss of a mother you love - it goes to every area of your life :(

I had a friend who lost his mum in unusual circumstances and he had a very similar dilemma. He mulled over whether to go to the inquest for weeks. Like you, he was torn between feeling he should and being scared of what might come out. In the end he put it down to one question: which would he regret more - going and knowing exactly what happened, or not going and not knowing?

Whatever you choose to do, be kind to yourself; it's an awful time and you need to take as long as you need.

Condolences OP

I've attended two inquests, one as a juror and one for a deceased family member.

In both cases, the Coroner put the family's feelings to the forefront and conducted the proceedings with kindness, sensitivity and respect to the deceased person.

If you feel this will give you closure and help the grieving process, then go.

If you think you will find it too distressing, then consider not attending.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one.

You can be sent recordings of the inquest afterwards if you choose not to go but still would like the information.

My dad's case didn't go to inquest but I cant imagine it would be any more upsetting than reading the hospital notes. I've certainly read things I'll never un see.

If it will give you closure to attend ,then of course try but don't feel guilty if you can't, your mum would understand.

Husband gave evidence at one, he had pulled a body out of a marina, says it was the biggest whitewash ever, clear case of suicide, tied anchor to leg with eleven knots from ankle to knee, knots only a sailor would use.

I had to go to my dads as a witness, they were kind and just asked me to confirm the statement I'd provided. My sisters chose not to go. I would probably have gone anyway so I could be sure about everything for him as my dad had asked me too

Thank you so much for all your replies. They really have been so helpful. It’s amazing hearing people’s. experiences who have lived this. I have never met anyone who had attended one so people couldn’t really offer informed advice. It’s helped me understand the process and made me think of things I hadn’t considered.

Your replies have given me strength and a different perspective on what it may be like and that has been so, so helpful and powerful.

Has anyone attended a medical negligence case where the hospitals actions or lack of actions killed their relative/friend?

OldRaver I was excused as my Dad died two years before and the year before that my sister died very suddenly so they felt I, I can’t remember how they worded it but the amount of grief made me vulnerable.

Burblife re-read and your case was medical negligence wasn’t it. May I ask the outcome. Please, if its too painful don’t share.