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AIBU?

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Original poster

To get prior warning?

27 replies

privateporcupine · 17/03/2018 17:40

My DS13 stays with his dad 2/3 nights per week. He has a key for our house to let himself in after school, but not yet for there, though it’s in the pipeline.

Twice this week, my DS has turned up at our house, to change clothes, collect stuff, and I’ve not known he’s coming. This is his Saturday for his dads and I wasn’t expecting to see him until dinner time tomorrow. This also happened early Wednesday morning.

I’ve started seeing someone in the last month or so and neither DS or my ex know this. It’s making me uncomfortable knowing DS could turn up at any moment and I’m with my BF. But this is his home.

So, how do I get round it without having to tell him and ex about the new guy yet?

OP posts:
HateTheDF · 17/03/2018 17:41

Can you go to the BF's house?

Original poster
privateporcupine · 17/03/2018 17:47

Eventually, but not at the moment.

OP posts:
Dangerousmonkey · 17/03/2018 17:54

Just plan to be out a whole day (if key isn't with him). Coming back to an empty house would help the "I need warning" message sink in.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 17/03/2018 18:05

Could you get a chain for the door so if he does come back, he can't get in and disturb you?

ChristmasFluff · 17/03/2018 18:10

Is it really such a big deal? If BF is there (and seen), wouldn't an 'oh, this is What'sHisName,', and then if asked (you probably won't be), 'he's a friend,' suffice? No need for big explanations? I was in a similar situation, and I'd hate to think my son would feel like he had to pre-arrange to come here. Like you say, it's his home.

WhoWants2Know · 17/03/2018 21:09

Ooh, I had this happen to me, and thank goodness I managed to get into a decent state between hearing the front door and DD reaching the bedroom!

negomi90 · 17/03/2018 21:18

I get what your saying and see your point.
But as far as your ds is thinking its his house too. People are in and out of the places they live in, that's life.
You need to think about whether you want to just come clean/hide the bf and leave this allone or ask your ds to warn him when ever he comes home. The message he'll get (whether you intend it or not, no matter how nice you are) is that he's not welcome at his house. It will be a bigger barrier to him then you realise.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 17/03/2018 21:23

Agree with Negomi90 - I can totally understand that a warming would be nice but now your DS is a teenager he can't be expected to stick to a strict routine and only be welcome in his Mum or Dad's house at prescribed times

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 21:23

“Could you get a chain for the door so if he does come back, he can't get in and disturb you?”

And what does this 13 year old do when he discovers he can’t get into his own house? Hmm

Original poster
privateporcupine · 17/03/2018 21:26

I do have a chain for the door, which I will start to use. But the flat is so tiny and I’ve always just let him come and go into my bedroom if he needs stuff, that I couldn’t easily hide the BF. Which sounds ridiculous anyway.

It’s really prior notice from my ex I need, like the night before during the week. Or half an hour at the weekend kind of thing. I would never send DS to him unannounced, key or no key.

Explaining to him and having him work out that it’s a BF situation is preferable to making DS feel it’s about him.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 22:17

You seriously can’t put a chain on the door to keep your ds out!

Original poster
privateporcupine · 17/03/2018 22:25

Yes, I can. I’ll be home, so it just gives me advance warning that he’s there and then I open it. I’ve used it on and off in the past and so does he, so it won’t an entirely new thing that he’ll think anything of. And it’s only as a back up to his dad letting me know to expect him.

OP posts:
victoriaspongecake · 17/03/2018 22:26

Poor son. :(

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 22:28

Perish the thought that anything might disturb your sex life.

upsideup · 17/03/2018 22:30

Are you not going to tell him about your bf soon enough to not have to bother comming up with some other plan?
Its his home too and it sounds quite odd that he needs to give you warning before he is allowed back in because you need to hide someone from him.

Plumsofwrath · 17/03/2018 22:31

Do you have to explain to your ex why you want notice? Can you not just say that you may be having friends over or be in the middle of personal stuff (no need to be nudge-nudge-wink-wink about it) and to give you warning?

SD1978 · 17/03/2018 22:33

I’d say you need to tell him. Does his dad drop him off or is he in walking distance of you both? Even if you use the chain, you still need to hide the BF somewhere- which as an adult just seems weird. I’d rather you told me to knock or call before I came over in your sons position, so that I didn’t see something that can never be unseen!!! I don’t see why this is a shame for her son. He had two loving houses, two loving parents, and is supposed to be at dads. OP having a new relationship, and not wanting her son to see her new partner naked, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love and put her son first!

SD1978 · 17/03/2018 22:35

@BertransRussell- so whilst her son is with his dad- she should be sitting on the couch, hands clasped, knees together waiting for her son to come home? I hadn’t realised that when you knew your child would be elsewhere for a few days that you couldn’t form another meaningful adult relationship. Good to know.

Original poster
privateporcupine · 17/03/2018 22:38

It’s not only about my sex life! My BF could be in a shower, or helping himself to breakfast. That’s not how I want them to meet.

Maybe I have to tell him. I didn’t want to until I was sure there was anything in the relationship.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 17/03/2018 22:52

I reckon you do. Or else need to ensure you are both in the living room, and up and dressed early, just in case. There doesn’t need to be any details- juts a I’ve met someone, we are dating, but currently not seriously enough I’d want to introduce you. His name is x, and he stays over. If you need to come and grab some stuff when you’re at your dads, can you give me a ring so that I make sure I’m in? Doesn’t need to be a big deal

BertrandRussell · 18/03/2018 07:45

“@BertransRussell- so whilst her son is with his dad- she should be sitting on the couch, hands clasped, knees together waiting for her son to come home?”

No, of course not. But her son should be able to go into his own home when he wants/needs to. So either she introduces her bf to her son, or if she doesn’t want to do that, she meets him at his house until she’s ready to introduce him.

Shednik · 18/03/2018 08:46

Sorry, yabvu.

At his age, he should be able to come and go as he pleases from his home. Would you expect to have to give advance warning that you were popping home for something?

Peachyking000 · 18/03/2018 09:34

YABU. It’s his house too, and he should be free to come and go as he needs. His needs are more important than a new boyfriend. And I think you should tell him about this too. I have a slightly younger DS, he’d be gutted if I kept secrets from him

BertrandRussell · 18/03/2018 09:37

Exactly. My ds is out for the day-i’m not expecting him home til 6. But if his plans change, I don’t expect him to warn me he’s coming home....,

MummySparkle · 18/03/2018 09:40

But a chain on the door isn't preventing him from going in to his own home. All he has to do is unlock the door, realise the chain is on and then call out something along the lines of 'mum! It's me, Let me in!' Then OP gets 10seconds warning and DS can still get in. It's not like the chain is preventing him from getting in all of the time.

OP I do think you need to tell your DS though. I appreciate it must be tricky i troducing him to someone who you may / may not stay with. But he's 13, he's old enough to understand why you might want to be in a relationship. (Maybe leave out 'I need notice of you coming home in case we're shagginng' though Grin )

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