To not go for dinner

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I'll try not to make this into an essay. I don't really get on with my mother. She is very critical of me and always has been while always pointing out how wonderful my sister is (my sister and her are very alike).

I am in the middle of separating from my husband, My daughter is in the middle of an assessment for Dyspraxia, ADHD, Aspergers and receptive language delay (which my mother has been very vocal about saying she doesnt have any of these) and my job has been awful (think that might be sorted) and I've been feeling very low for a while so the house has been neglected, I haven't been as present with the kids (although they are still attending their groups and homework and playdates are still conducted). My mother has a habit of completely overinvolving herself and then blowing up and completely withdrawing and putting my stbxh on a pedestal. Now stbxh is very hands on with the kids but this seems to be bother her.

Anyway we are in the cycle where she blew up the other day, said some stuff. Some bits were valid, others were not. I replied to her message and said I agreed with most of what she was saying but I had just felt so stressed and anxious and couldn't really see the woods for the trees. She replied and was quite cutting. She then blanked me in the supermarket yesterday.

She is making dinner today for extended family and expects me to go. I don't want to as she will be making passive aggressive remarks and I honestly have enough conflict going on in my life without listening to her. AIBU?

No You're not being unreasonable for staying home
Pull a sickie if you don't feel up to saying you just don't want to go.

I wouldn’t go and to be honest I’d probably not have much to do with her

Your MOTHER blanked you?! Hell no do not go!

Don't go. YANBU she sounds like my mum.

Oh, and she isn't qualified to say whether or not your child has got Dyspraxia, ADHD, Aspergers and receptive language delay - that's what doctors are for! If the doctor says your kid has got something, then she's got something - not whether your mum says so or not!

It's fine not to go. Just let her know before she starts cooking / laying the table.

Make sure you do something nice instead.

Thanks everyone. I'm not perfect by a long stretch but it's tough going through a diagnosis with a child. All the professionals are praising me on one side for being on the ball as my daughter's extra needs are not immediately obvious and then I have my mother on the other side discounting every assessment that is conducted.

Don't go. Try to have a chilled out evening at home instead.

Thanks. I sent stbxh and kids

Sounds like my mum too who blanked me in a supermarket when I was pregnant.

We're now NC and while I miss having a mother I don't miss her and always walking on eggshells.

Agree just pull a sickie.

Confessions that's exactly it. I always have to walk on eggshells and no matter what I do/say it doesn't impress her. It's like she is always trying to catch me out

Stay home with takeaway and wine!

She sounds exhausting... mine is very similar and it’s a lot to deal with. Glad you were able to stay away

Coco she is exhausting because no matter how hard I try it is never enough. She has formed opinions of me from when I was younger and no matter how hard I try to prove that isn't me she won't see it.

Stop trying, Op. I know from experience that the more you try to please them, the worse it gets. Try to act unaffected when she starts criticizing. Don't try to defend yourself - just shrug your shoulders and turn away! You don't need this at this moment of your life!!

Your own mother blanked you in the supermarket?

Good grief. That's horrible, there's no way I'd be going round her house any time soon. Stop trying to prove anything to her, she is obviously the sort who actively enjoys finding fault no matter what you do.

Totally have a chilled night,with a nice bottle of wine and favourite takeaway :) I would personally distance myself from her too....if all she can do is cause you stress and upset. I know it's tough because it's your mum,but that doesn't give her the absolute right to treat you as she does. Plus ignoring you in the supermarket is highly childish,but no doubt hurtful for you also. Hope you have a superbly,chilled night :)

Good decision not to go, enjoy your evening

She can be really supportive but always follows a period of support with a period of withdrawal. So it's confusing because I know the withdrawal will come at some stage.

That's why I didnt go today. Stbxh was on at me to go saying it would cause so much hassle if I didn't. But I said to him I may as well become the self fulfilling prophecy of all the horrible things she thinks of me. Because trying hard makes no change

In the future I wouldn’t reply to the messages. She won’t like it (been there, got the tshirt) but it’s a fools errand thinking you can change her mind.

My mother was very 'what will people think??' when I broke up with my ex-fiancé. She also wondered if he might like to stay with her and my father for a while, to be looked after. I told her to go ahead and ask him, or you know, he might stay with his own parents 10 mins away. Seemingly he needed some mothering at that difficult time.

You did the right thing by not going. Now switch off from any backlash/passive aggressive texts and don't rise to or engage with the part of the cycle where she tells you all the things you're doing 'wrong.'

How can you possibly be expected to go to your Mother’s for dinner when she blanked you in the supermarket yesterday ! Also, you shouldn’t have to try hard, impress her or walk on eggshells. She’s your mother and should be supporting you in everything you do, especially as you are having a difficult time. 💐

This sounds very difficult. I think you are right to take the adult position, and I would send something like ‘I will always love and care for you, but I am finding the repeating pattern of closer support from you followed by criticism and withdrawal very wearing. I do not think it would be appropriate to attend a family dinner for appearances when you blanked me in the supermarket yesterday. My wish would be that we have a lower, more sustainable level of contact and start to try to form a better, more sustainable relationship without all the drama. If this is not possible, from your perspective, then I will accept that.’

I can't get past her blanking you in the supermarket. All the occasional help in the world isn't worth a mother who would do this to her daughter, especially when she knows that things are not at all easy for you at the moment.

She's horrible and no way should you have to sit around a dinner table with her pretending all is lovely when it really, really isn't. YANBU, but she bloody is. And some.

Blowing hot and cold as she is is emotionally abusive - it keeps you from ever feeling secure in the relationship: I had an ex boyf like this. The memory of the 'good' times stops you from cutting them out of your life. I think you're doing well even to keep seeing her as often as you do! She seems to be setting you up against your DSis too, which is awful. No parent should pitch their DC against each other. I think your DM is being quite awful - she knows what a terrible time you're having, but is choosing to add to your misery by blanking you (this is absolutely DISGRACEFUL by the way and she should be begging forgiveness for this alone). I really do think you need to sit her down and get it all out, and if nothing changes then think about putting your own needs and sanity first and reducing contact. And YANBU to stay away from her toxic dinner invitation.

She texted me as she was serving the dinner to say she was serving dinner if my headache was gone. I couldn't bring myself to reply. I'm exhausted from everything and from trying to please other people.