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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go for dinner

45 replies

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/03/2018 16:33

I'll try not to make this into an essay. I don't really get on with my mother. She is very critical of me and always has been while always pointing out how wonderful my sister is (my sister and her are very alike).

I am in the middle of separating from my husband, My daughter is in the middle of an assessment for Dyspraxia, ADHD, Aspergers and receptive language delay (which my mother has been very vocal about saying she doesnt have any of these) and my job has been awful (think that might be sorted) and I've been feeling very low for a while so the house has been neglected, I haven't been as present with the kids (although they are still attending their groups and homework and playdates are still conducted). My mother has a habit of completely overinvolving herself and then blowing up and completely withdrawing and putting my stbxh on a pedestal. Now stbxh is very hands on with the kids but this seems to be bother her.

Anyway we are in the cycle where she blew up the other day, said some stuff. Some bits were valid, others were not. I replied to her message and said I agreed with most of what she was saying but I had just felt so stressed and anxious and couldn't really see the woods for the trees. She replied and was quite cutting. She then blanked me in the supermarket yesterday.

She is making dinner today for extended family and expects me to go. I don't want to as she will be making passive aggressive remarks and I honestly have enough conflict going on in my life without listening to her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 17/03/2018 19:40

Ignore it,she never even asked were you okay! Try have a relaxing evening :)

RoseWhiteTips · 17/03/2018 19:43

Don’t go. She doesn’t deserve your company.

RoseWhiteTips · 17/03/2018 19:44

Please yourself, not other people. X

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/03/2018 19:45

I have ignored it. She doesn't do apologies. Ever

OP posts:
iamyourequal · 17/03/2018 19:47

I feel for you OP. You are certainly going through a lot just now. It’s a real shame your mother is not more loving and understanding and supportive. Take care.

troodiedoo · 17/03/2018 19:47

Ignore her, you know what she's up to.

Check out the stately homes thread if you've not done already OP. Flowers

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 17/03/2018 19:52

OP I've been in your position. My DM can be quite demanding and I don't want to go into it all but she sounds very similar to your DM.

About a year ago (after DM stormed out of my house because I was unloading the dishwasher and not looking at her while she was speaking to me Hmm) I'd had enough. I called her a not very nice name, well, screamed it actually, and stopped speaking to her. I even missed DS's birthday party at her house but I stood my ground. After a few weeks she texted me saying she had been stupid and apologising. She's been great since!

Maybe she acts this way because you've always given in and not stood up to her (if that's the case?). Show her she can't treat you this way by severing all contact, even for a while, and who knows, maybe she'll react the same way as my DM?

Well done for tonight, you should be proud of yourself Flowers

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/03/2018 20:00

Just got another message from her telling me that the kids told her I'd refused to come for dinner and that I need to grow up. I am ignoring her.

OP posts:
rjay123 · 17/03/2018 20:15

Ask her if it was an invitation or a summons.

Ravenesque · 17/03/2018 20:19

Keep ignoring her. Ignore for as long as you need to and whatever you do, don't apologise to her for not going to dinner. Don't apologise for anything. Maybe turn your phone off or put it on silent and try to enjoy the peace. And good on you. It can be so hard to put your own feelings first and stand up for yourself and I'm really happy for you that you've been able to do it.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/03/2018 20:24

Lol Rjay that made me laugh. It certainly feels like it was a summons.

Ravenesque thanks I'm not backing down this time. I'm strong enough to face all of this without her

OP posts:
rjay123 · 19/03/2018 09:12

How has it all been?

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 19/03/2018 09:19

Thanks for asking rjay123. I haven't heard a word from her. Stbxh and me have been together for 17yrs and he gets on great with her but he said that he has never heard her say 1 positive thing about me in 17yrs. It's always where I am going wrong. He feels that she is annoyed with me because I am ending my marriage (even though I've told her stbxh has anger issues and has been aggressive in the past)

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 19/03/2018 20:25

Well it must be very tough for ''her'',your marriage ending after 17 years! Are you ok,feeling mixed emotions from not hearing anything?

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 20/03/2018 14:19

Thanks Bexter. Being honest she is the least of my worries. I just feel awful in general and the realisation that she never has or ever will be someone I can just get a hug from is starting to sink in. I feel very very alone.

OP posts:
nonfatnofoamlatte · 20/03/2018 14:26

Ohhh, poor OP! I know that feeling from my own toxic family. You need a lot of self love and a few of these Flowers Flowers Flowers!! I hope things get brighter for you from now on.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 21/03/2018 08:35

Thanks Nonfat I am just not putting up with her criticism anymore. She has pushed me too far this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 21/03/2018 20:35

So she messaged today asking if I wanted to clear the air tomorrow and that she doesn't want me to think she won't support me leaving my H. I honestly couldn't even be arsed to reply. I'm so drained and numb to everything.

OP posts:
Loonoon · 21/03/2018 20:41

You are absolutely doing the right thing by ignoring her OP. There are times in life when you need to set social niceties aside and put your own needs first.

I am going to hazard a guess that your DM can be a bit of a diva and likes things to be all about her? If I'm right, don't let her do it this time. Let this difficult time in your life be yours and don't get back in touch with your mum until it feels right to you.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 21/03/2018 20:52

Thanks Loonoon. She's not really a diva herself but criticises every thing I do. My work, how I parent, my friends, how often I go out. Everything. Nothing is ever good enough

OP posts:
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