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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Different" kid constantly left out

31 replies

ShakyMilk · 16/03/2018 21:09

There's a girl in my child's class (reception), let's call her Belle. Playground rumour suggests her mum is very young and her dad is in prison (I don't know if this is true - I don't know anything about her circumstances). I feel like Belle is being left out. Examples: recently there was a fundraising after school event, but because Belle gets the school bus (not many kids do here), she couldn't go. The other kids were so excited about it but she got called away to her bus just as the others were getting into their party clothes. The school runs a toothbrushing scheme, which everyone apart from her is part of (it was a nominal fee for the year, something like a fiver), she never attends any of the parties outside of school and she never has anyone come for the various 'stay and play' type events. Also, they have a forest schools & all the other kids go in outdoor clothes, whereas she is always in uniform. I notice all of this because my child is friends with Belle. It seems to me she is gradually being marked out as "different". My child doesn't notice, but I wonder if the school should be doing more to help/include her. AIBU?

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 16/03/2018 21:12

My son’s best friend is a little like this. Lots of rumours about her family life, she tends to get the bus so misses out on lots of things. Her mum occasionally turns up at school but keeps herself to herself. I just keep out of it to be honest. I’ve no idea what the ins and outs are.

Jobbieshitkakaboudin · 16/03/2018 21:15

Probably not much the school can do if she has to get the bus. Maybe some kind parent could donate the £5 for the tooth brushing scheme? Uniform when others are in casual clothes isnt such a big deal, most kids don't care when they are young.

There are so many 'differences' with children. Its so hard being young. Wonderful that you are even noticing and caring. Your children will be like this too, and will benefit from your good example. If only all school mums cared!

Babymamamama · 16/03/2018 21:16

If you've taken the time to notice this maybe you could reach out and invite her over? At the weekend or whatever. Given that your dd gets in with her. I'm sure she'd appreciate that kindness.

ShawshanksRedemption · 16/03/2018 21:29

I would think that some of these may be because Mum is not giving permission (or there are other issues). For example, if Mum drives she could have picked her up and taken her to the fundraising event. If she doesn't drive then there's not much can be done about it. Unless of course other mums get involved by chatting to this girl's mum and offering help in way of lifts etc.

Equally though mum may be keeping her distance and not want their child doing extra stuff after school or isn't worried about her daughter wearing uniform for forest school, and you need to respect that decision, even if you disagree with it.

Original poster
ShakyMilk · 16/03/2018 22:11

Thanks all. There's no way that I know of to have contact with the mum - not even sure if she lives with her - I thought about asking the school if I could pay for the toothbrush but I am wary of treading on any toes/putting my foot in it. She seems a really nice kid but i guess it's not my business. Just wonder if, as they get older, the kids will start to notice more. School can be hard...

OP posts:
Itsallaswizz · 16/03/2018 22:18

Can you ask the teacher if you can give the girl a note, saying your dd has been asking if she can come over after school/whenever and include your mobile number? You could add that you're happy to drop her off home afterwards. You are right, school can be very hard and its lovely of you to be thinking of this little girl.

NewYearNewMe18 · 16/03/2018 22:43

If this is in the UK the school would have funds to cover the toothbrush thing, so I'm not actually sure you have the correct information on that one.

'stay and play' - in my world this wouldn't happen because both parents generally work, again I'm having trouble believing she is the only one without adults there. Childminder make up a good 50+% of primary school runs. They have other mindees to attend to.

nancy75 · 16/03/2018 22:48

Op, can you invite her round to yours for tea? If you don’t have her mums number give your Dd a note to pass on with your number?

CompleteAisling · 16/03/2018 22:51

Isn't the real problem that the school is doing lots of things that not everyone can't be involved in?

NewYearNewMe18 · 16/03/2018 22:53

Schools will always do things children cant be involved in (after hours) some parents work shifts, some go to child minders, some have paid for extra curricular activities, some will be going to the NRP that evening.

CompleteAisling · 16/03/2018 22:54

Not that many, and not that exclude the same few all the time. If that is happening, something has gone wrong

Original poster
ShakyMilk · 16/03/2018 22:57

Yes, I do agree CompleteAisling there's A LOT of stuff that parents are invited to. It's a struggle. And of course NewYearNewMe18 there are always children who don't have ppl to attend (inc my child sometimes), she's not the only one, it was more to illustrate the point.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 16/03/2018 23:00

Why not invite her for a playdate? Saying you can drop her home as u know she gets the bus - ask teacher if she can pop it in school bag.

Also my kids school always great fully donations for p1 of spare clothes - incase of accidents and the same with wellies that kids have grown out of.

I'm suprised the school didn't stump of £5. Our pta doesn't raise much but we would cover anyone who couldn't do toothbrush scheme

Flutterbyeee · 16/03/2018 23:01

Do not pay for her toothbrush scheme. Her mother has made a decision to not take part. It is not your place to over ride that.

NewYearNewMe18 · 16/03/2018 23:03

The PTA wouldn't have to stump up - the school special fund would cover the toothbrush thing or the pupil premium. I'm not believing that anecdote I'm afraid, if it £5 t cover the cost of providing a tooth brush and paste, the school is on to financial winner seeing as it would have bought in a job lot/sponsored by the local health authority/toothpaste manufacturer.

PrettyLittIeThing · 16/03/2018 23:05

I wouldn't offer a play date. Who in the world would agree to their kid going round someone's house they've never even met. School friend or not.

Creambun2 · 16/03/2018 23:24

since when have schools asked for £5 for a toothbrush and paste? What a rip off

Theworldisfullofidiots · 16/03/2018 23:28

Do the children have book bags? If so ask if you can leave a note in there for Belle.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 16/03/2018 23:29

Belle's Mum!

Hippee · 16/03/2018 23:30

It's hard. DS1 was friend with a little boy who lived with his grandparents. We invited him to every one of DS's parties and offered to pick up, but we never got a reply. You are lovely to care - maybe have a chat with school about what could be done without upsetting the family.

Kitsandkids · 16/03/2018 23:31

I don't really understand the tooth brushing thing. Do they brush their teeth at school? Perhaps the mother just thinks that's OTT and is happy with her daughter doing it morning and night at home with stuff she has bought. If I'd decided not to pay for the scheme I'd be a bit pissed off if another parent tried to pay for it for me.

Willow2017 · 16/03/2018 23:31

I'm having trouble believing she is the only one without adults there. Childminder make up a good 50+% of primary school runs. They have other mindees to attend to.

Not everywhere. At our primary about 1/3 of kids get a school bus straight home and there is only one pick up by child care person.

Not everywhere is the same.
I know all our local cms and they certainly do not pick up 50%of the kids at thier local primary!

NewYearNewMe18 · 16/03/2018 23:34

I know all our local cms and they certainly do not pick up 50%of the kids at thier local primary!

I didn't say that. I said this: Childminder make up a good 50+% of primary school runs

At our primary about 1/3 of kids get a school bus straight home you must be very rural. No such thing as a school bus where I live, but I have 74 primary schools within 3 miles.

Jazzy11 · 16/03/2018 23:50

I'd definitely invite the little girl round for tea, pass a note or ask the school reception how would be a good way to contact belles parents? There is absolutely no harm in asking, the worst that could happen is you don't get a reply or a no. I'd make the effort for sure, it's lovely how kind and thoughtful your being x

wildbhoysmama · 17/03/2018 00:57

I hate to see this: It makes me want to weep. There's always one or two who are different. I teach secondary stage and we work tirelessly to address this, but it seems harder in primary - much smaller group, more likely to stick.out, with same kids all day etc. Poverty in particular makes kids stick out and it kills me. Is this some of the issue with Belle do you think? The outdoor clothes etc?
My youngest DS is primary one ( 5/6 year olds) and he is friends with one little girl who sticks out because of this. He recently chose a pencil case and nice stationery because he wanted her to be the same as him. I was rather nervous but mum has not said anything and still friendly etc.
I've been trying to find a way to give new polo tops/ shoes anonymously but can't think of any way!