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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People inviting themselves to stay

33 replies

Ilovemaryberry · 16/03/2018 20:07

My second anti social thread of the week. Starting to think I'm just a massive introvert who wants to go into hibernation...anyway

My friend is having a birthday night out on Sat and it's a few hours drive away and I'm working so I declined the invite.
She told me she was coming to my area after the night out and asked what my day off was. I said that's great let's meet up and spend the day together.
She has now sent me a message saying it will be her and her sister coming up but they have nowhere to stay so will put up a camp bed in my living room and stay for two nights Shock
I am working and only off one day a week. Dh has work too and leaves at 5.30am and has never even met them. I also have a dd and will have the school run to do and work full time and then they expect me to come home and host while they take over my living room.
Aibu to think you don't just invite yourself to stay with your sister during a time when people are working and have things on.
She made it sound like she was just visiting for the day and would like to see me.
I'm going to have to think of a polite way of saying no.
I like my own space and my own company and I also enjoy spending my evenings with dh and dd. I like meeting with friends with proper arrangements in place.
Maybe I'm just a misery guts but I'm going to have to embrace it.

OP posts:
boloriabullet · 16/03/2018 20:08

No, you YANBU. I would be hugely pissed off at this. Especially if she didn’t ask first and just presumed it would be okay.
Say no and be honest as to why.

Bossbaby12 · 16/03/2018 20:10

I am the exact same! I love spending my time with DP and DD. It's extremely rude of her to just invite herself and her sister to stay at yours and you are well within your rights to say no.

NinjagoNinja · 16/03/2018 20:11

Just say "looking forward to seeing you on Xday - it's not a great time for you to stay over as DH has to get up early for work and I'm on school runs etc. Let's have the sleepover another time - do you still want to meet on Xday or shall we postpone? Happy either way"

Avasarala · 16/03/2018 20:11

Say no, give the same reason as you gave here and have no shame about it. If someone is coming up and need a place to say then they need to clearly state "can I come up and stay overnight at yours". She's just assumed and invited someone else along with no consideration for you or your family.
You're not being anti-social; you are being a normal grown up human. She was being a bit forward.

Vickxy · 16/03/2018 20:12

YADNBU. Thats seriously cheeky in my opinion.

tharsheblows · 16/03/2018 20:12

Just say "Oh sorry, you can't stay here. I'll meet up with you in town on Monday though, it'll be great to see you then!"

If she asks why say "It doesn't work for us, sorry." (You can either say sorry or not, up to you.)

And then if she can't come because she can't stay with you "That's too bad, it've been great to see you. Let me know if you're in town sometime and we'll meet for lunch."

Or whatever. Usually any passive aggressiveness and bulldozing on works for me. :)

tharsheblows · 16/03/2018 20:13

usually ignoring any passive aggressiveness works for me I mean!

Original poster
Ilovemaryberry · 16/03/2018 20:16

I wish I was an open door type person but I'm not Sad
She's single and has no children so I wonder if she still thinks of me as the young single me who would sleep over at hers or hers at mine without a care in the world. She doesn't seem to have any consideration for my family who also share a house with me. She doesn't think that my dh would be uncomfortable with two women sleeping in the living room who he has never met, trying to creep about getting ready for work and avoiding the living room.
I just can't believe she made it sound like she was just visiting for the day when all along she's planning on crashing in my house with her sister. It's hardly an exciting trip when I'm at work the majority of the day.

OP posts:
demirose87 · 16/03/2018 20:17

I would hate that, you need to say no. Not sure what excuse you could give, maybe you'd be better off just being honest and saying it's not going to work round your family and work hours.

Cornishclio · 16/03/2018 20:19

That is cheeky of her to invite her and her sister to stay overnight 2 nights. I think I would text back just saying you cant put them up so do they want to postpone or can you suggest a local B and B? Dont' get into explanations of why they cant stay.

Lethaldrizzle · 16/03/2018 20:19

Just say something about the husband's hours and stressful job etc.

Lizzie48 · 16/03/2018 20:21

That is definitely very cheeky and you shouldn't feel at all bad about saying no. It's not about being anti-social, your friend is taking liberties.

Joinourclub · 16/03/2018 20:22

She didn't think of a polite way of asking, so you don't have to think of a polite way of saying no!

FrostiesMum · 16/03/2018 20:22

This happened to me. I called my friend out on it. It was reeeeeeaaaalllly awkward and then she came anyway...our friendship hasn’t really been the same since. But I think that’s because she was SO cheeky. Don’t be ashamed of enjoying time with your husband and daughter. God knows there are enough people on MN and IRL who don’t!

StopPOP · 16/03/2018 20:25

I'm with the "It doesn't work for us" along with a link to nearest Travelodge with a "don't know if this is any use?"

Original poster
Ilovemaryberry · 16/03/2018 20:25

She has done this before and asked to stay at mine but was bringing the dog and I said no because dh is very allergic to dogs plus dd is funny with dogs she doesn't know.
She told me she would sleep in her car instead. Which I found just ridiculous. If you can't afford a travel lodge then she shouldn't be coming up.
Now it's take two but she's bringing her sister. They don't like forking out for hotels.
Her car is broken at the moment so she won't have the car either so I don't know what they will do but I need to reply soon.

Dh says to blame it on him but I don't want to be in this situation when ever she wants to visit. Maybe one time if I was on annual leave and it was just her she could stay over but there's always a dog or a sister or a friend.

OP posts:
Gide · 16/03/2018 20:33

‘Sorry, that doesn’t work for me. I can recommend such and such B&B or the Travelodge....’. Leave the ball in her court. When she tries to insist, tell her no, I’ve said that doesn’t work for me.

NinjagoNinja · 16/03/2018 20:35

Deal with it OP. If you don't want this, don't allow it. Just say no. Don't whine about it. Do it by text if you don't like confrontation. Then turn your phone off for a couple of hours in case she rings straight away. You can do this easily and politely.

Original poster
Ilovemaryberry · 16/03/2018 20:36

She just sent me another message pressing me for an answer saying she needs to know so she can arrange when she is going back to work. Angry
I told her it's not suitable because of me and dh up early for work and having school runs to do.
I'm too soft because I feel bad now.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/03/2018 20:36

Your husband has told you to blame him. Just blame him if it’s difficult for you to say no.

Or just tell her you don’t have the energy for guests and it’s not workable and hopefully will see her another time.

LimonViola · 16/03/2018 20:37

This is easy. 'Sorry, that doesn't work for us! This local B&B has good reviews pastes link'. Anyone who pushes for an invite after that is being rude and so you should have no problems shutting that down.

Gemini69 · 16/03/2018 20:43

Please say NO.... you will only resent them both if you say yes..... say NO... Flowers

Ohyesiam · 16/03/2018 20:44

She could do air bnb, often dirt cheap

ShiftyMcGifty · 16/03/2018 20:48

She’s pressuring you and feel guilty? Get angry for her using you!

HolyMountain · 16/03/2018 20:48

You’ve told her the facts about why she can’t stay, all reasonable and true.

Don’t feel bad, feel good about standing up for yourself.