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Original poster

Caught husband watching porn

81 replies

cnrm · 16/03/2018 17:15

Hi, I’m new to mumsnet and this is my first post. As the title says I caught my husband watching porn, I will expand a little...

I Have two children to a previous relationship, my husband loves my children and is very good to them. We’ve had our fair share of problems as all couples do but we have always managed to come through them together. Last year I fell pregnant accidentally but unfortunately lost the baby at 18 weeks. Since then we have had such a massive mix of emotions and have been desperate to conceive again, sadly it isn’t happening easily for us. Every month when I get a negative pregnancy test, he treats me like his enemy, almost like it’s my fault why I’m not pregnant.

At the weekend I again got another negative test, he packed some of his things and left. I was devastated and spoke to him, asking him to come home to work it out.

So he came back home after two days apart and he bought a home kit to test our fertility (all normal) I was out with my children while he took the test. Obviously I know he would have to masterbate which I am 100% ok with - I presumed he fantasised about me using certain pictures and videos he has. I came home and everything was fine. The next day I turned the tv on and the adult Chanel came on, straight away I knew what had happened. I spoke to him and he lied saying “maybe your kids stumbled across it and turned the tv off, I would never watch porn” I knew this was a lie so I kept pressing him to tell me the truth. He then went on to say “I tried all the channels and they wouldn’t work so I used your pictures and videos in the end”

Eventually he told me that because he left the house at the weekend he had in his heart given up on our relationship, he only came back because I was sad. He said that our relationship has come to the state where he will watch porn and that Iv pushed him to this. I think my concern is that, he was masterbating to check his sperm count, so that we can continue to try to have a baby, but I wasn’t his first choice of pleasure, I was literally his 11th choice (10 adult Chanels) it makes me feel sick to my stomach and I feel like Iv been mentally cheated on. Is my body no longer good enough for him, doesn’t he enjoy having sex with me, am I ugly, and more importantly if you want to have a child with me it’s because you love me, so does he now no longer love me? And if I’m being honest, I can’t deal with the fact he lied about it and tried to blame my children (age 10 & 7) it’s an insult to my intelligence.

I want to know if I’m over reacting and being silly, should I easily get over this and let it slide? What can I do? I also feel like he so easily lied, can I trust him now? Iv never ever experienced this in my life.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 16/03/2018 22:26

The porn is so not the issue in what you have wrote!

Why are you with a man who lies to you,treats you like dirt, gaslights you, manipulates you to name just a few things and Tells you outright he does not want a relationship with you?!
Why would you even remotely consider having a child (which ties you to him forever) with someone as horrible as this man sounds?

coconuttella · 16/03/2018 22:47

The porn is so not the issue in what you have wrote! Yes, it’s baffling...
Also, it’s naive to think that a man (or woman) will not only have sex only with you, but will only ever fantasise about you too, whether to porn or not...

Lockheart · 16/03/2018 23:01

Agree with everyone else, the porn is not the issue here.

You're both clearly struggling with the fact that you haven't been able to conceive yet, and if you want to keep this relationship then you both need to talk this through - either with each other or with a professional. He could be getting angry with you every month, or he could be getting angry because he sees it as a sign of his failure and instead of dealing with it constructively he lashes out.

If I were you, I would put all plans to have a child on hold until you've decided what you want to do with this relationship, whether that's leave him or not.

Flockoftreegulls · 17/03/2018 10:34

It's quite sweet and naive that you thought he would only think of you when he is masturbating.
Agree with others that the porn is not the issue.
LTB

UnsuspectedItem · 17/03/2018 10:38

Do not have a baby with this man.

The porn is not the issue.
His attitude, however, is absolutely grim.

ittakes2 · 17/03/2018 10:54

Ivf clinics have porn mags for the men producing samples...it’s not the porn - it’s how he is treating you in other ways. Honestly...he’s leaving you when the pregnancy test is negative? Wow. I wonder since you have conceived before - if deep down he is feeling like he’s failing as a man. Of course he is not - but men can be funny if they feel they are not performing.

Presidentpoopants · 17/03/2018 11:00

I find it a bit sad that he blamed “your” children for watching the porn channels - does he not treat them like his own? If he’s referring to them as “yours” then I’ve no doubt that if you did have a child with this man then he would favour it over your other two. Do you really want that for your kids?

Also agree with other pp’s - he’s a cunt for walking out on you for not being pregnant. Who fucking does that?

Teuchterlass · 17/03/2018 11:03

I agree with above. You have already proved 3 times that you are fertile, I suspect he realises that if anyone has a problem it may be him and he is lashing out in a horrible fashion rather than facing up to it and seeing a doctor for tests.

Lifeisabeach09 · 17/03/2018 11:04

Agree with PPs.
It's not about the porn.
If he is like this now, what's he going to be like with a newborn??!! Unsupportive and blaming you for everything.
Don't have a baby with him.

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 17/03/2018 11:09

Porn is absolutely not the problem here.

Tina78 · 19/03/2018 15:56

agree with the previous, porn isnt the issue he has used the porn for the purpose of testing fertility which is understandable. If he wasnt supportive throughout the loss of the child you should consider your relationship. You need to decide and discuss your options as there are children involved.

Nikephorus · 19/03/2018 16:11

I'm wondering if he walked out because he feels angry with himself - obviously OP can have kids (though granted things can change over time) but the logical conclusion is that any issue is with him. That's got to be difficult to cope with. That's not to say that he's not a twat, but I don't think it's as clear-cut as some might think.

Motoko · 19/03/2018 16:31

I agree with everyone else that porn is not the issue.

The way he tried to put the blame on your children, should make you very wary of having a baby with him. He WILL favour that child over the others, and it will cause problems in your relationship with him and your children, as well as problems between your first two children, and his child. I have experience of this and it doesn't end well.

The fact that he blames you every month, and left you, also shows that he's not the man you should be with, let alone trying to have a child with. You really need to end the relationship, because if you don't, you will end up very unhappy.

And finally, most men look at porn. It's not a reflection on how they view you, so don't let it affect your self esteem.

Thatsquiteenough · 19/03/2018 16:39

I am seriously mind boggled by the sheer number of women who think they can control what a man does with his own body, alone, in private.

Its hardly surprising their relationships are such shit.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2018 16:44

I don't think watching porn is at all normal so I get why this has upset you so much, it would me to.

However, I agree with others that your biggest problem is that your husband is behaving like a total a total cock. He doesn't seem to care about you or your feelings.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2018 16:49

"I am seriously mind boggled by the sheer number of women who think they can control what a man does with his own body, alone, in private."

I am seriously mind boggled by the sheer number of people who think porn is OK!

If a couple choose not to watch porn at all and one of them goes back on this and does then I can understand the other being upset. If he doesn't know how she feels about porn, it's different. But then if so, why lie.

It's not just his body, those women in the porn are not cartoon characters! Just because he isn't touching them himself.

Some people are anti porn and I think it is something couples should know how the other feels about. So it's not just about the individual.

However, as I say there are more issues here than just this.

flowerslemonade · 19/03/2018 16:53

wow he packed some of his things and left because you had a negative pregnancy test? do you really want to be with him?

Thatsquiteenough · 19/03/2018 16:56

Most women who get hysterical about porn don't do do through my moral stance but because they can't cope with " their " man looking at other women.

I have no issue with it but I have high self esteem and am darned hot myself so..

Pinkvoid · 19/03/2018 16:59

He's punishing you like Henry the fucking eighth did 600 years ago... You don't deserve this misogynistic BS. It's no one's 'fault' you can't conceive but perhaps divine intervention you can't tbh, you really don't want to be chained to that arsewipe for life.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2018 17:06

"Most women who get hysterical about porn don't do do through my moral stance but because they can't cope with " their " man looking at other women."

I couldn't give a flying if my dh sees someone hotter than me, he loves me not-so-hot as I am. But I hate the idea women are degraded on film and I'd hate him looking at it. But whatever the reason women (or men) don't like it, if the partner knows then it's disrespectful to put a movie above your wife. The fact he lied and left it for the kids to find shows he respects no one but himself, IMHO.

Thatsquiteenough · 19/03/2018 17:34

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Idontdowindows · 19/03/2018 17:48

That's quite enough @thatsquiteenough Read more than the title next time eh.

WazzitCalled · 19/03/2018 17:48

He sounds awful, why would you want a child with him. It would be unfair on the child.

I’m confused why you have porn channels on your TV and that porn outdoor come on instantly without parental locks. Surely that is irresponsible in a house where there are children.

Most people who don’t want porn in their house have it blocked.

Gottagetmoving · 19/03/2018 17:59

Don't have a baby with this man...Don't stay with this man.
It won't end well and you deserve better.

ALongHardWinter · 19/03/2018 18:19

My first thought on reading this was - What sort of man walks out on his partner because she has failed to become pregnant?

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