To not want DP to get a motorbike

[carryondoctor]

DP has decided he wants one for riding around for fun at the weekend. I hate them. I think they are dangerous; I think you are very vulnerable on a motorbike (the Think! campaign stats are terrifying - 38 times more likely to die than a passenger in a car) however sensible you are; and I think they are noisy and a bit anti-social as a consequence. I'd be scared every time he rode off on it. I have a friend who only has one arm after crashing his moped into a lorry when he was younger - he said he was doing about 15mph.

But DP is a big boy and we don't have the sort of relationship where one of us lays down the law to the other. I have explained how I feel, but of course he thinks he's invincible.

AIBU to feel like this about it??

It depends on the bike, most of my family are in a chapter, have really lovely bikes, are sensible riders and if you are wearing the right clothes you will be safe.

They are only noisy depending on the type of bike and if you buy a booster to make the noise (A Harley sounds rather nice), If you are in a club/chapter they are far from anti social, in fact the one my family is in do monthly club nights, days out (including family ones) and a lot of charity work.

Make sure he has the correct clothes and training, and if its his money used for it then its a nice - expensive if you have proper bikes - hobby

I don’t like them, I’ve seen too many nasty accidents in my line of work. However, YABU. You can’t tell a grown man what he can and can’t do. Just advise that he wears all the correct gear!

How old is he? How good a (car) driver is he? Has he had a motorbike in the past? I have a motorbike and have always ridden it defensively (you have to if you want to stay safe) and, in 21 years of commuting (week) daily in London have only had 3 accidents, one of which was my fault - I wasn't hurt nor anyone else (but I was quite ill at the time and had to be admitted to hospital a few days later with a blocked kidney so I think my judgement was impaired when it happened). One of the other accidents was falling off when a van pulled out on me (but didn't hit me) and I was unhurt but my bike incurred expensive damage when it hit the road surface. It was only one accident in which I was quite badly hurt (someone pulled out of a side road straight across the front of me when she was totally unsighted by a vehicle turning into her road). The thing is, if he is sensible, is aware he must concentrate properly and ride "aware" at all times, he will probably be fine. We all have minor incidents, as do car drivers. On the other hand, he is a man so possibly inclined to take a few risks more than I would. My father was a lifelong motorcyclist and my brother and both OK. He could do a police course re motorcycle riding safety - lots of police forces offer this and it does help you stay safe (I think they take you out on the road and teach you lots of things you haven't thought of - I think you used to be able to see footage on one or two of these on youtube but I haven't looked for years).

As posters above (I've just seen since I started my screed) he must wear proper gear, including GLOVES even when the weather is hot. A simple fall without gloves and you will do a lot of damage to your hands.

We are bikers my OH has been riding since he was 17 hes now 62 and still in one piece, we have a big american Honda cruiser which dosent sound like a souped up Harley and i always feel as safe on the bike as i do in the car, we are also in a bike club and everyone in the club are just normal people who like bikes, we go to rallies and you couldnt meet a friendlier bunch of people if you tried, we do a couple of charity dos each year and go to lots of other charity nights, bikers raise millions of pounds each year for various charities, if he hasnt had a bike before he will have to start with a 125 which isnt a big bike, and wont be able to go up till hes passed his test on it, we went to Austria and back on ours two years ago and it was one of the best holidays ive had, and yes the correct clothing makes a huge difference, correctly fitting Helmet. thick leather gloves, armoured trousers and jacket

My DP would like one but I’ve asked him not to because I couldn’t stand the stress of it. I’m a worrier and even if the rider is very careful a lot of car drivers aren’t.
Me and DP aren’t a “laying down the law” couple but on the rare occasion one of us feels very strongly and has fair reasons we usually accept it.

I think most motorbikes are ridden sensibly from what I see - the exception being the famous "cat and fiddle" road where people seem to think 120mph around twisty bends on a steep hill is a good idea! - but cars, not so much. And the motorbike is always going to pay the heavier price

If we didn't have DC I would be more relaxed - it's his life. But I can't help worrying that he'll get hurt and then they'll suffer. Argh!

DH and I both rode (big bikes). We stopped when we had the DC. We're good and safe riders, but it's the other road users/drivers you have to worry about, and although we know there are good drivers we also know there are a lot who just aren't. We have both belonged to bike clubs for 20+ years, the amount of friends we have seen injured or killed is crazy. It wasn't a risk we were prepared to take having DC.

If he does want to do it then make sure he has good life insurance including critical illness/life limiting conditions.

Pay for good kit. Helmets (Arai are good), leathers (Arlen Ness or similar quality), boots, gloves, back protection.
Good kit can save your life.

Get good training. Be super aware of other drivers, it doesn't matter how good you are, if someone isn't paying attention you could get hit. You need to be hyper aware of your surroundings.

DP has decided he wants one for riding around for fun at the weekend.

Does he already have a licence? There's a massive risk associated with returning bike riders who have full Group A licences from back in the day and are therefore able to buy, ride and insure anything in the toy shop. I passed my Group A license thirty-five years ago on a 100cc bike, and I would now be able to - not having ridden a motorbike in thirty years - buy a bike capable of 150mph with acceleration (but not, sadly, braking) comparable to that of a Formula 1 car. This is not a recipe for health and happiness. If he does have a licence, try to persuade him to do one of the "returners" courses that are essentially the modern ladder of A1 and A2 licences for people who don't actually need them.

Huge agreement with the pp's point about 'returning' bikers. Most likely group to have accidents.

Dh has been without a bike for about a year and a half due to finances and he's already mentioned that just with that gap he will need to be careful when he starts riding again soon. A refresher course and proper gear are essential.

Goodness yes. If he's a returning biker please do a refresher course.

I am 99% sure he doesn't have a motorbike licence already, but will ask him!

My DP is a biker and I don't like it.
But I'm lucky that he is a sensible biker, doesn't like riding with dangerous idiots and also does courses to improve skills (check your local fire department to see if they do any specific bike courses).
I also asked that he gets excellent insurance so that if he was injured badly, we wouldn't have any financial pressures. And he does have a loud bike which I like as it means it's harder to miss him.
I still don't like it - but I'd hate it if he decided not to do just to keep me happy.

You'll probably get lots of different perspectives here, and none of them is wrong - think they're quite emotive depending on whether you've had positive or negative life experiences with them.

For me, YANBU - I have to use one hand for me to count the number of people I know personally who have died in motorbike accidents, and I'm not even 40 yet. IME, the danger is because of who they share the roads with rather than who actually rides them.

More than one hand, that should've said.

How would he react if you said you were getting one too?

My DP is in your camp. I used to have motorbikes from the age of 17 until around 25 when it got stolen It was great fun and I'd love to get another one. I don't think either of you are particularly BU to be honest.

They are dangerous, generally not because of the biker but because of other road users. I know several people who have died in bike accidents, one being a school friend who died in his early twenties and being in the biker groups I heard of many more who'd died that I never met personally.

But then i know people who have died in car accidents, plane crashes, one being run over by a bus. Whilst your worry is not unfounded, I can completely understand your partners side of it too.

IME, the danger is because of who they share the roads with rather than who actually rides them

^ this! Of all the people I knew personally or knew of second hand, not a single one of them died because of something they^ did but because of another twatty road user.

It doesn't matter how "defensively" someone rides and if they are most skilled in the world on a bike - you vulnerability comes from being hit by others

My DF got rid of his motorbikes when my DM became pregnant with me. At the end of the day if he has children then those children should come first. If you didn't have children then I would say let him be, but since you have DC Yanbu.

You can worry but it's ultimately up to him.

I have a bike and my DH hates it, he was so against it but he wouldn't put his foot down.

I do agree it's more dangerous but there are A LOT of idiots on bikes out there, if you take the proper precautions then it increases your safety.

I wear full bike gear including boots and gloves and only ride in the daylight and quite often not in the rain too.

If you behave like a car when your riding then your safer - it's when you start trying to squeeze through gaps that the danger increases.

IME, the danger is because of who they share the roads with rather than who actually rides them

this! Of all the people I knew personally or knew of second hand, not a single one of them died because of something they did but because of another twatty road user.

^Also agree.

One of DH's bikes was written off and he went over the car roof because a twatty young driver wasn't looking properly coming out of a junction. DH was ok because of his kit and on courses he knew how to brace for impact and reacted quickly. He was lucky. Scared the crap out of the driver, I really hope he learnt to take more care in the future.

YANBU. Both myDH and I have nearly died on motorcycles in the past and i’ve Only ever been on a motorcycle the one time! Why take that kind of risk?

I've given up bikes twice: once in the mid 80s, and then again in 2013. A taxi broke my left leg the first time, and I took 21 years off. Got a BMW tourer in 07, and was riding a K1200RS when a young lad decided he was going to drive on the wrong side of the road to make the next right turn. Got home, and the look on DD and DWs faces...

I wasn't wrong to have a bike, and I wasn't wrong to give up. But I was lucky that I got to choose.

YANBU for worrying and being concerned OP.
But you cannot stop him either or he might resent you. Subject to him taking all the safety measures already mentioned above and if his riding skills are rusty that he takes advanced motorcycle training course.
Also depends on whether getting a bike is some sort of midlife crisis seen plenty of newbies who should stay well clear of riding or whether it's something he's always loved doing.

I've been in the biker world and community forever. DH has several HD's and has been riding since he was 16. We see over the years friends being injured and sometimes also killed. I cannot remember a single instance when it was the riders' fault...it's other road users careless driving causing it.

My DH had a very serious accident 10 years ago. Caused by elderly driver pulling out right in front of him, DH is huge guy with noisy bike and a very defensive skilled rider.
The old guy still didn't see him...
After 6 months recovering and countless ops he wanted to get back on his bike.
For DH it's a lifestyle and a passion so I respected that and go on many runs with him.
I only asked he stopped commuting every day (the more you ride in heavy traffic the higher the odds of having an accident) and limit riding to the warmer weather months to avoid diesel on roads, minimise riding in the dark, etc.

I know how happy he is when he's out with his bike and I respect his choice. I also know he's a highly skilled rider and wears all the right gear should the worst happen again.
I don't worry about it but ask him to text me when he's got to his destination safely.