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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DS aged 4 to not break / trash everything he touches

34 replies

gingersj · 07/05/2007 21:04

I am at the end of my tether. Love DS to pieces, but my God, he is a whirlwind that I cannot keep up with.

Today alone he has broken one (v cheap) digital camera, brought all sorts of leaves and garden bark chips in the house, gone through 3 sets of clothes, scribbled all over a book, trashed the lounge, tried to stab the fish, jumped in 20 puddles after I said not to etc

I dont want to spend my time saying dont, dont, dont, but all of the time he is just breaking stuff, trashing stuff, being hugely clumsy, tipping glasses / cups over etc etc.

Help.

BTW he also gives the best hugs, kisses and melts my heart.

OP posts:
newlifenewname · 07/05/2007 21:09

Funny you should mention this as I feel EXACTLY the same way tonight.

Spent all day yesterday sweeping the patio and tidying up outside only to discover ds aged 4 spreading mud all over the place using a plastic shovel.

He then proceeds to stand on a wall socket to open the window in order to chuck stuff out of it and rips the socket from the wall.

Spilt milk over the carpet first thing and has had numerous rough and tumble sessions that have ended in tears with his younger brother.

Original poster
gingersj · 07/05/2007 21:14

Thank goodness it is not just my DS wrecking my house!

We have just had lots of work done on the house and he has done his best to trash it. Took a pink felt tip and drew a line on every step of the new carpet....picked up a piece of slate (following daddy trying to be ehlpful) and dropped it on the new kitchen fllor tiles, smashing it to pieces .... last year took all of the keys off my keyboard for my work laptop.... etc

I just dont know what to do. Some days I think there must be something 'wrong' with him to be such a demolition expert, other days I think he is just being a boy.

OP posts:
moondog · 07/05/2007 21:16

Don't let them then!
I have always kept mine under a very tight rein and really let them now how displerased I am when they wreck stuff.My sister's kids wrecked things and she would get angry but she didn't teach them about the differenec between stuff they should and shouldn't touch.

katherinez · 07/05/2007 21:19

Sounds just like my dd (4). I posted about her a while back coz she was driving me crazy. We mwent to a frinds house the other day and pulled all the polystyrene stuff off the inside of their airing cupboard door. She is always wrecking everything and I keep thinking by now she should know beeter. Her and her sister covered themselves and the carpet in a whole tub of sudocrem the other day and I was really dispairing. Have been slightly better lately.

newlifenewname · 07/05/2007 21:19

Moondog take me to this ideal world whence you came from please...and let me leave the children behind.

Original poster
gingersj · 07/05/2007 21:20

I am really tough with him. It is kind of hard when he was left downstairs watching TV and he just goes and does something. Even when I am with him, he still does stuff he shouldn't, to push me, to see my limit ... I set it, am really strict and will tell him off in no uncertain terms or put him in the corner

We have no felt tips in the house, no wax crayons, got rid of loads of toys as he has broken them or forfeited them.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingersj · 07/05/2007 21:21

Katherine, the sudocreme made me laugh out loud

I know its not funny, but am v glad it is not just me.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 07/05/2007 21:21

It must have been a good day if he didn't get the ice cream out of the freezer and try to eat it under his duvet, or pull any curtains down, ginger I know how you feel!

Original poster
gingersj · 07/05/2007 21:23

No, but they did bring garlic bread into my study and type with it.....nice, my fingers smell lovely.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 07/05/2007 21:25

We've had Sudocrem thrown down the stairs- the only thing that gets it off is baby wipes! This was on the same day that DS1 put a large pot of strawberry yogurt in the middle of the living room floor and jumped on it! Funnily enough, it was just before his 4th birthday.

barking · 07/05/2007 21:45

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Original poster
gingersj · 07/05/2007 21:50

Sounds great, barking, will try the book. You're right, he is spirited and inquisitive and I love that.

I am trying very hard not to write a but...

OP posts:
barking · 07/05/2007 22:06

its so exhausting.......?

KerryMum · 07/05/2007 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Skribble · 07/05/2007 22:13

I would say be strict but fair, but be realistic about what you want him not to do.

I would come down hard on him for breaking things on purpose, hurting pets and scribbling on books, I would be a bit more chilled about dirty clothes, bringing trophies into the house and jumping in puddles.

Consistentcy is important as is praise and the chance to feel like a good boy and feeling able to do things well. I would be very careful not to give rows for clumsyness, and giving mixed messages about what behaviour is acceptable.

cat64 · 07/05/2007 22:16

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cat64 · 07/05/2007 22:18

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mummydoit · 07/05/2007 22:18

Can't give you any advice but I can sympathise! My two are the youngest children in both our families. We inherited lots of toys, handed down from various nieces and nephews in pristine condition and the vast majority have ended up only fit for the dustbin. DS2 is the worst. He has pulled the wallpaper border off the walls in their bedroom. We've also had the sudocreme episode too, plus one time he smeared himself and the bedroom in Vaseline and that is impossible to clean off! Just a couple of weeks ago, they both emptied the shelves in their playroom. Two boxes of Brio, one box of Duplo, a box of farm animals, about 20 jigsaws and a whole heap of games, all tipped out onto the floor in a huge pile. No joking, it took me FIVE hours to sort everything out.

Manictigger · 08/05/2007 11:48

Jeez, where are you lot when your kids are doing these things?! Surely removing all keys from a keyboard or smearing Vaseline over a room takes time, did you not check on what they were doing at any point? And mummydoit, I think if they were over 4 I would have insisted that they help you clear it up. (5 hours, are you mad!?)

I'm with Moondog, for your own and your childrens' sanity, teach them what is and isn't acceptable as young as possible. (However, I think splashing in puddles etc is just having fun not being naughty and spilling things is just what children do)

disappears back to Utopia as defensive mums shower her with Lego

sunnysideup · 08/05/2007 12:07

I think some of this is about adjusting your expectations ginger...that can be a good way of saving some sanity. For example I think bringing leaves etc into the house, going through three sets of clothes, jumping in puddles are absolutely normal and things you simply have to accept will happen when you have a child. Let this sort of thing go!

When he's scribbling, I agree, be positive about it "Oh, you're drawing, here is some paper for drawing. Books are for reading not drawing". It's basically diversion. He needs to do all the stuff he's doing - your job as parent is to find him ways he can do it appropriately.

Where are you when he's trashing the living room? I'm NOT blaming you for not being with him 24/7 btw; just again, it's about expectations. If you were upstairs putting washing away, or in the kitchen cooking, then maybe you need to adjust your expectations of what your ds can do without supervision. Maybe he needs to be with you, "tidying" the kitchen cupboards (eg playing with the saucepans) while you get stuff done.

I think you need to assume that your ds needs almost constant supervision at the moment and a good amount of direction.

mummydoit · 08/05/2007 12:21

Manictigger - duck while I shower you with lego . Where were we when the kids were doing all this? Well, let me think. Washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking. Any of 1001 household jobs. DSs are 3 and 4 and can normally be trusted to play nicely. Do you watch your kids 100% of the time? The monumental mess was achieved in about 15-20 minutes while I was upstairs changing sheets. My kids aren't in the habit of being destructive but we do have occasional incidents. Don't you?

bozza · 08/05/2007 12:25

TBH I am with moondog. I think a 4yo should know better than to scribble in books, take keys off laptops, stab fish etc, my almost 3yo does and has done for some time. I also agree with others about dirty clothes and jumping in puddles - that is what children do. DD was wearing white trousers yesterday and got absolutely filthy on the slide - but that was my fault for putting her in white trousers - they are handmedowns, they will bleach.

sunnysideup · 08/05/2007 12:52

mummydoit, if it's the occasional thing then I guess it's not a problem; if they can usually play nicely that's great. But I do think if a child is constantly trashing stuff then the parent needs to assess their expectations - it may not be possible to get all the cleaning, washing, ironing, changing sheets, done as well as have a non-pesky child.....the parent may need to let some of that stuff go hang while they play with their child instead.

I know my ds was very labour intensive at pre-school age, he wanted and needed lots and lots of positive play. DH and I expected to do some house stuff in the evening when ds had gone to sleep, and used to give each other a morning on the weekends to do a proper clean/change beds/etc.

Manictigger · 08/05/2007 13:10

Well mummy.. I have an 8 month old daughter who is starting to move around so yes I do have to keep an eye on her practically 100 % of the time she's awake (and not in her cot) so we spend most of the time playing. I only do things that I can easily do whilst keeping her in my sight eg. ironing. Cooking, cleaning (MNing) etc happens either when she's asleep or DH is around (or as quite often, it doesn't happen at all but hey, I can't imagine wishing I'd done more housework on my deathbed ) I can't help feeling that if you give children a bit more attention or get them involved in what you're doing (like Sunnyside suggested), they'll trash the house less. It's all about deciding what's important to you in your home. Annoying behaviour would wind me up more than a dirty house I think.

Not that any of the options are easy and obviously some children demand more attention than others so I've got sympathy with the OP.

Manictigger · 08/05/2007 13:18

Sorry Sunny, I completely agree with you and wouldn't have bothered posting if I'd seen yours but it took me a while to come up with a way of putting things that (hopefully) wouldn't offend anyone.