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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Presents

44 replies

Tenshidarkangel · 16/03/2018 08:26

Am I being unreasonable or are they?

I sent my recently engaged best friends a parcel with a present and card congratulating them on their engagement three weeks ago. Since then I've heard nothing.
I sent the male counterpart a message yesterday asking if they had received it to be told they had, 3 days ago.
So this morning I replied telling him how hurt I was that neither of them had bothered to drop me a text to say it had been received or express thanks.
His come back was they had both been extremely busy, had only got it 3 days ago and were going to be sending a thank you letter instead.

AIBU to be seriously hurt by this and to think you would still drop a text to say thank you? The letter wouldn't have likely arrived till Monday (over the 3 week mark) if they posted it today/tomorrow, and whilst I get the sentiment of a letter, it takes 5 seconds to send a text to confirm it had got there safely or am I being overly hormonal and emotionally sensitive?

OP posts:
TheSnowFairy · 16/03/2018 08:28

This is really common, they probably received loads and were going to say thanks to everyone later on. So YAB a bit U, I think.

user1493413286 · 16/03/2018 08:29

I think you’re being a little sensitive; I’d have given them a couple of weeks. They probably thought they were being more thoughtful by sending a thank you letter.

Minniemagoo · 16/03/2018 08:30

The thing is some people would think a text was impersonal and thanks should always be a card/letter.
Honestly your follow up text was a bit rude.

LostInShoebiz · 16/03/2018 08:30

Surely they should be allowed to say thank you in whichever format they choose? If you demand a text, next time maybe include a notification to that effect on the gift.

LadySainsburySeal · 16/03/2018 08:32

You were rude to reprimand them for not thanking quick enough. A letter is a much nicer acknowledgment than a quick text.

ShatnersWig · 16/03/2018 08:33

YABU.

Mybabystolemysanity · 16/03/2018 08:35

Sending a follow up text is awful, sorry.

People went completely overboard with generosity when DH and I got engaged/married/had first baby. All massively busy times and really spoiled for me with anxiety over how long it took us to send thankyou's.

Original poster
Tenshidarkangel · 16/03/2018 08:36

@User I sent the package first class 3 weeks ago. So, even with the snow, they should of received it a lot sooner.

@Minniemagoo sadly they have form for not making effort/not bothering with me/ never inviting me anywhere or spending time with me unless I arrange it and I think the frustration in that has boiled over finally.

@Lostinshoebiz they knew it was coming. Id told them I'd sent them something and to let me know when they had received it in case it got lost due to the disruption with the snow

Sorry for the drip feed. :(

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/03/2018 08:37

There's something rather rude about texting someone to tell then they're rude.

I'd have just said you wanted to be sure it had arrived as they're hard to chase over a set time

deptfordgirl · 16/03/2018 08:38

Oh wow, I wouldn't expect a thank you at all, particularly after 3 weeks. I've sent lots of presents and not heard back about them. What age are you? I think my parents generation are more used to thank you cards, letters etc so it might be a generational thing?

Gatehouse77 · 16/03/2018 08:39

I'd have given it a lot longer than that to say something.

However, on one occasion I enquired whether a couple had received a wedding gift (a good 8 weeks after the event) so I could delete the email essentially. Initially the bride got a bit snotty as she had sent a thank you card but it turned out a load had got lost in the post! Ultimately, she was grateful in the end as it wasn't just us and she was mortified that others were thinking they were ungrateful.

newcupcake · 16/03/2018 08:39

If they only got it 3 days ago then yabu

squiggleirl · 16/03/2018 08:43

YAB so very U. They received it 3 days ago - they got it on a Monday, which is very likely at the start of their working week. You didn't even give them a chance to respond. As a PP said, loads of people would be annoyed about a text. You expected a text - how were they to know? You didn't even consider the option of a thank you card, or give them a chance to send you one. The most likely time to have written a card was the following weekend, which would be tomorrow/Sunday, and then sent it.

The letter wouldn't have likely arrived till Monday (over the 3 week mark) if they posted it today/tomorrow,
But most of that 3 weeks was spent getting your gift to them. You allowed yourself a hell of a lot more time to get a gift to them, that you are allowing them get a response to you. The fact it took 3 weeks to get to them is completely outside of their control. The 3 week mark (wherever that comes from), should be from the date of receipt, not when it was sent. You in fact only gave them 2 days to respond before contacting them. They only got it Monday, so expecting a response by Thursday, only left them with Tuesday and Wednesday to sort one out.

AIBU to be seriously hurt by this and to think you would still drop a text to say thank you?
Seriously hurt? Most definitely unreasonable.
Sending a text to tell them how hurt you are that neither of them had 'bothered' to text you? Beyond unreasonable, and tipping into unhinged, as well as incredibly rude on your part.

All you've really managed to do is take all the gloss off of what was a really nice gesture with your need for acknowledgement within an unrealistic timeframe.

LostInShoebiz · 16/03/2018 08:43

Even after your drip feed, YABU and very rude.

Telling them to text you when it arrives does not give you carte blanche to upbraid them by text when they don't follow your instructions. You've more or less undone any good intentions behind the gift by giving it with conditions then scolding them for being ungrateful by not notifying and thanking the second it arrived.

MereDintofPandiculation · 16/03/2018 08:43

sadly they have form for not making effort/not bothering with me/ never inviting me anywhere or spending time with me unless I arrange it And these are your "best friends"? I think you need new best friends.

And if I had so much resentment about a friend treating me this way, I think I'd have left it as a card - unless in your culture it's expected to send presents for engagements?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 16/03/2018 08:43

I don’t think YABU actually. I think a quick text even just to let you know they got it , followed up by a card/letter would be fine. It’s not uncommon these days sadly. I’m tired of giving and though we don’t give to get immediate thanks, I do expect an acknowledgement of a gift.

People, some people, are a lot less appreciate than they used to be. I’ve stopped sending to these people. DSil never sends cards or gifts but we always sent regardless, never any acknowledgement or thanks. So when we didn’t bother at Christmas, she actually text to say just to let us know they hadn’t received their gifts! I said with great joy that’s because we didn’t send any this Christmas. She asked why, I said oh what did you send us, ever?! Soon shut her up.

HuskyMcClusky · 16/03/2018 08:44

I think it’s best to thank people immediately by text/phone for things that come by post. People really need to know that what they’ve sent has arrived safely.

That said, I would never text someone to tell them off for not thanking me. Shock

thedevilinablackdress · 16/03/2018 08:46

Yes it would have been nice of them to acknowledge the gift straight away but there could be any number of reasons why they have not as yet. Let it go.

If this is part of a larger pattern in your relationship however, then I understand your upset.

80sMum · 16/03/2018 08:52

Hmm. I agree, it's rude not to acknowledge a gift but I think it's much ruder to admonish someone for not thanking you. I don't even like checking with someone whether they've received a gift, as it may be interpreted as me asking them for a thank you and I wouldn't want to embarrass them.

buttercup54321 · 16/03/2018 08:56

I sent my nephew and wife money for their wedding and a gift voucher on the birth of their baby. Never hada word of thanks. His sister is quite the opposite. Very rude not to say thank you.

Original poster
Tenshidarkangel · 16/03/2018 09:00

@HuskyMcClusky and @80'sMum

The initial text I sent was a 'Hey, Have you had the package I sent' and I got a 'Yeah we have.' back to which I replied 'Oh good. I'm glad' then the next day got a 'We loved it'
I didn't just barrel in with a 'You didnt thank me how could you!' XD

OP posts:
LostInShoebiz · 16/03/2018 09:01

That's a very different picture to the one painted in your OP. Funny that.

ALittleAubergine · 16/03/2018 09:03

Sounds like you feel unappreciated by them anyways and this was just the last straw?

Original poster
Tenshidarkangel · 16/03/2018 09:06

@Lostinshoebiz

I was summarizing. Badly apparently.
I've already admitted I've drip fed.

OP posts:
reddressblueshoes · 16/03/2018 09:09

Sorry, but YAB massively unreasonable. We got way more presents than expected when we got both engaged and married. Arranging thank you cards, writing all the gifts down, with senders, getting everyone's addresses, then sending cards- it honestly took weeks where we spent several hours at the weekend as we both work full time. Marriage is one of those areas where everything is more formal than usual: people expect written invitations and thank yous but that takes a long time.

And I should add, we deliberately prioritised elderly relatives/family friends and put our friends to the bottom of the list as we thought they were least likely to get offended/most likely to understand a delay.

I think you've been appallingly rude and I wouldn't be surprised if they were re-thinking inviting you to the wedding. Other people's life events are not a good time to throw all your toys out of the pram. Demanding thanks is pretty churlish and rude: I'd have waited at least two months before accepting a card wasn't forthcoming.