Ungrateful housemate

[probablynapping]

So - me and my housemate are both members at the same gym. I have a car, so I do all the driving. Everywhere. Supermarkets, meals out, anywhere we go I drive, and never ask for anything in return (and no one ever offers).
So when I decide to go to the gym, I let her know so she can come and get a lift if she wants to. I just offered (via text) and her response was 'nah I'm in pjs'.
Is it me or is that quite a thoughtless, rude response to someone offering to take you somewhere? A simple 'no thank you' would have been fine. If the situation was reversed I'd have said 'not feeling the gym right now but thanks for thinking of me!'

Context: she's been bugging me all day while I've been frantically trying to write my essay. Sitting on my bed moaning about how she wants to do something 'fun' while I've been sat at my desk agonising over work, clearly not up for visitors.

I just feel a bit used - like she'll be my friend when she feels like it, but she's abrupt the rest of the time. Is she a CF or am I wrong to call her out for that response?

Definitely need to be much more straightforward. It doesn't have to be rude, just tell her you can't work with her in your room and you have to get this essay done.

You need to tell her to go away when you're busy. Don't hint - tell

I get saying please and thank you, but are people really so prim (for want of a better word) that they can't live with more friendly and casual chatter? I'd hate to feel like people were always minding their manners around me.

I lived with an always-please-and-thank-you girl. She was a bloody nightmare. It's not the be all and end all of social niceties.

The text response wasn't bad, but I'm mystified as to why you offer to drive her everywhere when you clearly resent it. Your resentment is colouring your reaction to her text, and will be colouring your friendship too.

Set some boundaries - no one will give you a medal for running around after them, so only do it when either you genuinely want to or are getting something from them in return. (I wish I'd learn this earlier tbh)

(The 'something' could just be that she occasionally cooks you a meal as a thanks, or makes a point of buying you a drink when you give her a lift out. But don't fall into the habit of being the person who does everything and gets no acknowledgement or thanks in return. That's not friendship, it's being used, and the resentment will only get worse.)

From personal experience: if you are offering without her asking you, that’s the mistake! CF’s have an easy escape from these types of situations. Their response to me has always been well I didn’t ask you, you offered! Easy trap to fall into unfortunately. Stop offering. Wait for her to ask you specifically for a favour.

I agree with the poster who made the point about her doing something in return eg cooking or even cleaning! Maybe you need to have a chat about the fact that you feel the set up is a bit one sided and what she could do to make things a bit more even?

Stop offering.

Sounds like you do all the driving everywhere because you actually offer it, but then resent it. You dont need to be a martyr

you just need to say something like 'housemate, i really need to get on with this essay right now but i'll come and find you when it's done and we can hang out'.

Judging by your offence at her blunt text, you are too worried about being polite to tell her to buzz off but it seems she is use to communicating in a more straight-forward way so don't be afraid to be upfront with her too.

YABU texting someone who lives in the same flat as you.

Oh, and stop offering lifts.

You need boundaries. And strong ones at that.
Close your door when you are working and tell her that when the door is closed she isn’t welcomed because you are working. If she still comes in, just tell her again that you are working and can’t talk atm. If this is still not clear enough, ask her to leave you work alone and kick her out.
Atm whatever you are telling her is more like hints rather than clear ‘I need to work and I need silence’.

Offer lifts if you feel like it but stop feeling like you have to. Don’t be a martyr that does everything for everyone. They’ve become reliant in you because you keep on offering help when it’s not even asked for (see the gym incident).

And stop taking responsibility for your housemate. She doesn’t have a car, it’s up to her to sort out how to get from A to B. Yes she can ask for help but she can’t take you and your help for granted. Trips to the gym, the supermarket, keeping her entertained, that’s up to her to solve all those issues and she can’t carry in relying on you to do that. You’re not her mum on who she has been relying on until now to solve all those issues!!

Thank you everyone for your constructive criticism! (Ignoring all those who made shitty comments - hope you get a hobby soon lol).

I've apologised to her for my mini strop, I acknowledge that it was a build up of a lot of annoying things that led to an outburst at something minor.

I genuinely don't drive to martyr myself - I don't mind doing it. I just feel like if the situation was reversed I'd make more of an effort to do something in return. As it stands, I'm the only one who cleans our shared bathroom and buys household essentials etc - again, not to martyr myself but because if I didn't, it wouldn't get done and I don't want to live in filth!

I know I've let myself get a bit used, and it's my own fault but I can't help feeling a little bit hurt. I don't think that's hugely unreasonable

Update: she has just asked me if I'm doing a food shop. I replied 'yeah I do need to at some point today!'
She made no further enquiry, didn't ask me to let her know when, etc. Just walked away. Is it now up to me to tell her when I'm going? Or should I just follow the advice on this thread and 'just go'? I'm conscious that a lot of you have said I'm oversharing my plans with her

Just go!

Agree - just go. Leave her to it.

She didn't ask for a lift so I'd just go.

Majority rules, I'm just going!
I was worried it might be slightly inflammatory but actually I'm not her Mum and it's not my responsibility. I feel liberated

How old are you, OP?

AbsentmindedWoman

I'm 20. Is it relevant?

Yes, I think so. At 20 we're all still fairly new to the whole house sharing thing.

Everyone has different personalities and different expectations when sharing living space. I think it can take a while to figure out how to deal with it.

I think your housemate sounds like a pain in the ass coming into your room, but equally you need to be more clear about needing space to study or whatever else. Be a little blunter!

I also think that it does sound like you feel like you're the mature, sensible one in the house - taking responsibility for giving lifts, cleaning the place, being annoyed at the 'lack of manners' when your housemate didn't respond politely enough for your liking - and wonder if you're suited to living with your current housemates.

Maybe look for older people to live with next year, so you can do your own thing more and not get stressed about needing to look after people.

We've been living together for three years. I do think we've outgrown each other, so I am living with different people next year. They're all studying the same course as me so hopefully will respect my space a bit more. And I'll have a lock on my door!

Good job OP :) do you now.

Don't let people take advantage of your kindness.

If I was in her position I would have offered to make you breakfast, lunch or dinner or help clean even. I agree if someone is kind to you, return the favour. It doesn't cost money to be kind with words either.

@kimberly87 mumsnet needs more people like you!
I totally agree - manners cost nothing, it would just be nice to feel appreciated with a simple 'thanks'. I wouldn't dream of stepping out of someone's car without saying 'thank you for the lift' even if it's a family member/close friend. I don't think that's 'prim' as other posters have suggested - saying please and thank you is basic human decency!
But anyway now I can just do my own thing (semi) guilt-free

You're overthinking it I agree. You live together. You'd be going to the gym together. It would be different if you didnt live together, weren't going anyway, or it was for something that was an actual favour.

But stop driving her everywhere!