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Original poster

Ungrateful housemate

75 replies

probablynapping · 15/03/2018 22:20

So - me and my housemate are both members at the same gym. I have a car, so I do all the driving. Everywhere. Supermarkets, meals out, anywhere we go I drive, and never ask for anything in return (and no one ever offers).
So when I decide to go to the gym, I let her know so she can come and get a lift if she wants to. I just offered (via text) and her response was 'nah I'm in pjs'.
Is it me or is that quite a thoughtless, rude response to someone offering to take you somewhere? A simple 'no thank you' would have been fine. If the situation was reversed I'd have said 'not feeling the gym right now but thanks for thinking of me!'

Context: she's been bugging me all day while I've been frantically trying to write my essay. Sitting on my bed moaning about how she wants to do something 'fun' while I've been sat at my desk agonising over work, clearly not up for visitors.

I just feel a bit used - like she'll be my friend when she feels like it, but she's abrupt the rest of the time. Is she a CF or am I wrong to call her out for that response?

OP posts:
Jengnr · 15/03/2018 23:30

Wow. I would see no difference between those two when it comes to the type of casual response required between friends who see one another daily.

This.

She wasn’t rude at all. You offered her a lift to somewhere she doesn’t want to go. She answered in a perfectly ordinary fashion.

Whatever it is you’re really annoyed about may or may not be reasonable but being wound up about this is ridiculous.

citychick · 15/03/2018 23:31

You’ve definitely fallen into a habit here.
She bugs you for company and then when you suggest going out she won’t go. All a bit one sided and you are feeling hard done by.

Another vote to stop offering and just go out.

It’s nice to offer friends lifts etc, but not to the point where you start resenting it.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/03/2018 23:33

That response was fine - a relaxed 'no thanks'.

Bothering you all day would drive me nuts - so I wouldn't tolerate it - just say no!

Sounds like she takes for granted generally. Don't offer more than you're happy to give away.

spicerack · 15/03/2018 23:36

I think it depends if your text to her sounded like an invite to go to the gym with you or an offer for a lift IYSWIM? If it was " do you want to go to the gym " then " nah i'm in my pjs " is fine but if you said " would you like a lift to the gym " and she said that then it's rude

MargotLovedTom1 · 15/03/2018 23:54

It was a normal response to a "Going to the gym - you up for it?" type of question! If you're pissed off with her taking advantage, then why offer in the first place?

HeddaGarbled · 15/03/2018 23:58

I think it's a normal response from someone you are close to and have a good relationship with. I would reply like this and be completely comfortable with replies like this from a good friend, sister, partner, child etc.

If you find this ungrateful, thoughtless, rude and abrupt, it's because even though you are flatmates, you are not good friends. You are expecting a level of politeness and non-familiarity that she doesn't know that you are expecting. Her not understanding that she wasn't welcome in your bedroom today, is another sign that the two of you have different views on your friendship. She thinks you are good friends. You think she's an irritating flatmate.

You probably need to learn how to be a bit more assertive. For example, it's totally OK to say "Go away, I need to get this work done" and not offer to drive when you go for an evening out. That would be treating her, as she is treating you, as a confident adult who doesn't need to be pussy-footed around.

Original poster
probablynapping · 16/03/2018 00:55

I think I've let myself get wound up about her selfish behaviour recently. Namely her blatant disregard for my privacy and using me as entertainment when she's bored and I'm working. My course is very demanding and she has hardly any contact hours/no exams so clearly she needs some sort of stimulation, but surely when I'm sitting at my desk sweating over getting an essay written I shouldn't have to explicitly ask her to leave!
I hinted (not very subtly) when she said she wanted to do something fun - I said 'if I'm ever going to do anything fun I need to make some significant progress on this essay today', which she completely ignored.
There have been a few instances of rudeness lately and I think I'm channeling my frustration about that into my reaction to this text.

OP posts:
liminality · 16/03/2018 01:53

Bizarre. Just say, "hey babe, i need a couple hours by myself to concentrate on this essay, I'll check back in with you at dinner time.' Or, "do you mind chucking me a few dollars for petrol this week, I'm a bit skint and the cost of parking is killing me!"
I feel a bit sorry for your friend who obvs thinks you are closer and more casual than you actually are. I suspect if you asserted yourself a touch more you would actually enjoy her company a bit more too.

surgeryadvicepls · 16/03/2018 02:22

Are you actually friends or just casual acquaintances? Seems like you’re not that actually that close, but you think you’re closer as you live together and have adapted that ‘house family’ relationship

Driving her everywhere is very annoying, I think anyone with a car can relate. You’ll just have to stop giving her lifts when you don’t feel like it and get her to stop relying on you.

In regards to her bothering you, just let her know surely? ‘I’m gonna get on with my essay but dinner/gym later hun?’. Lock/close your door? Tell her you can’t concentrate or that she needs to study too if she wants to chill with you

I think you’re one of those people that like to ‘hint’ rather than be upfront, and end up with your feelings hurt in the process when the other party doesn’t catch on. Something to work on perhaps? Just be more blunt - I guarantee she has no idea that you think she’s disrespectful and rude. Not everyone will pick up on your little hints

LolitaLempicka · 16/03/2018 02:58

Going to the gym ain’t fun. And just because you want to go doesn’t mean she has to come too. You sound veeeerrrrry needy and pathetic.

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/03/2018 05:30

Her reply was fine. Why did you accept her bugging you all day?

Practice your assertiveness. No one likes it when someone quietly seethes for months then blows their top at something minor

Vitalogy · 16/03/2018 05:48

Op, there's been some good advise on here re asserting yourself. The question is, are you going to do it and move forward or carry on with the same.

Shoxfordian · 16/03/2018 05:49

Sometimes you do have to clearly ask people to leave though if you're working

Yeah you really need to be more assertive in future

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 16/03/2018 05:55

Her reply was perfectly acceptable; nothing wrong with it at all.

And you shouldn’t be skirting around issues by hinting. It is your fault she didn’t leave you alone because you didn’t actually tell her to, you just hoped she got the hint. You can’t blame her because you don’t know how to be assertive.

A simple “I’ve got to get this essay done. Can you leave me in peace for a bit?” with a smile is all that’s needed.

eddielizzard · 16/03/2018 06:26

i think the problem is your relationship is too one-sided. you need to ask something of her so you're not so resentful, or at least be more blunt with what you want her to do. even out the relationship.

kimberly87 · 16/03/2018 06:30

Tbh she did give you a rude response. It's a shame there are people out there that are unappreciative. I'd love to have someone offer to drive me around to the supermarket etc. Stop offering her for a week or two and see how she reacts. Hehe Wink

butterfly56 · 16/03/2018 06:40

You've just realised that she is not a very nice person and is basically using you, which true friends don't.
The text seems like the final straw for you.
Best way is to distance yourself from her and save yourself a lot of hassle.

flippyfloppyflower · 16/03/2018 06:55

I thought her response was very rude but I was raised to always say "no thank you" and "yes please". I would suggest not giving her lifts etc and leave her to her own devices from now on. That might encourage her to appreciate you more (although probably not)

Eastersnake · 16/03/2018 07:15

You've set the bar to low..she thinks yr her personal taxi service...time to be busy ,stop the lifts

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/03/2018 07:21

You are housemates, not partners.
Live your own life, you are too involved.
You have a car, it's your car ....
You'll be much happier, if you create space.

PhuntSox · 16/03/2018 07:23

Get a wedge so you can lock her out of your room.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/03/2018 07:36

Stop hinting, start telling - nicely but firmly.

One day you're going to snap - and she will think your nuts and portray you as really horrible, because she won't have seen it coming at all.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/03/2018 07:37

Oh, it's early - 'you're nuts' not your nuts fgs!

LemonysSnicket · 16/03/2018 08:28

You’re being dramatic. Presumably she’s your friend who you live with? I’d speak to my mates doing a casual favour for me ... you offered her a lift not a kidney. I think you’re feeling bitter about how many lifts you give ( I’m sure you’re welcome to get the bus with them) and are projecting that onto this one incident.

She could’ve said thanks , true, but she wasn’t rude.

And I was the uni house driver lol. They cant help not a car if they can’t afford lessons/insurance.

ButchyRestingFace · 16/03/2018 08:34

Is it me or is that quite a thoughtless, rude response to someone offering to take you somewhere

Her response was fine, imo. But it sounds like you’re doing too much. Just stop.

I hinted (not very subtly) when she said she wanted to do something fun - I said 'if I'm ever going to do anything fun I need to make some significant progress on this essay today', which she completely ignored.

Is that really how you express yourself? I think you need to work on being more straightforward.

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