To wish I hadn't meddled

[Midge1978]

Dd (6) has a best friend at school and the friendship is a bit toxic!!! Dd always talks about being bossed about and being "graded" by her friend according to how well she does as she's told. I've stayed out if it so far because I understand that she needs to develop the skills to deal with things herself. However this morning I had a discreet word with the school as dd had been anxious about a silly threat this girl had made. They had a word with dd but I'm wondering if they spoke to the friend too because she apparently wouldn't play with dd today so dd was on her own and sad. I feel like my interference has back fired on her. Did I do the right thing? Will it all blow over? I feel sick at the thought of her being alone at playtime

Work on helping her expand her friendship group in her class. Ask a few dc, separately, over for tea. That sort of thing. See if you can help her build up some other relationships.

Thank you I have started to do that. It's very much a confidence issue with her.

Don't worry, it'll blow over. They're 6yr old girls who usually get on and they will again. Even toxic friendships continue.
Agree with PP, encourage playdates with other friends

It probably will blow over...although I can't help but think she'd be better off if it didn't. Bossy kids put most kids off, which might be why your daughter is isolated when her friend doesn't want to play with her. Because other kids avoid the bossy friend so don't get a chance to know your daughter.

In my Dd’s Experience many of the bossy very confident kids were favoured by the teachers and tended commanded attention from other kids and carry on holding court throughout primary and into secondary school (with other kids looking up to them and hanging in their every word). Whereas the quieter caring less confident kids are somewhat sidelined.
The best thing you can do is love your DC encourage other friendships, other interests outside of school and boost her confidence in anyway you can.

We have a similar issue - the girl involved has done things like spitting water on my DD and pulling my dd’s gym sweats down to expose her in her underpants as a ‘silly joke’ in front of the whole class on multiple occasions, among other things. She’s the ‘naughty’ one in class according to DD (6) and regularly down the headmistresses office for something or other. But they are ‘bffs’ apparently regardless - the the school is aware and they aren’t ever seated together - the teachers try to encourage them both to play with others. We encourage DD to speak up when the girl does these things but DD gives so many chances as she is very kind and loyal - plus it’s hard to isolate another 6yo like that. We don’t invite this girl for play dates but actively do all the others in the hopes they will drift apart. Communication with the school and distancing them are key in my view!

Toxic you say ... at 6 years old. Ok then.
gently suggest to your dd she finds another friend or ask the teacher to keep and eye.

Trust me mission decision I have been shocked myself at how nasty six year old girls can be!

best friend at school

Well drop that title for a start - this girl isn't your daughters friend she's demeaning and bossy - move away and move on! She'll find another victim soon enough.

I'm all for kids sometimes tuff out but sometimes you need to learn that these people don't change and leave

It might not feel like it right now, but you did the right thing.

Children are always having stupid squabbles and it is best to leave them to it, but not always. This girl is bullying your DD - she’s ‘grading’ her on how well she ‘obeys’. FFS, that’s not on.

Your DD is very young, she needs help to learn how to sort these things out, she doesn’t need you wading in over who used the red pencil for the longest time, but she needs your help to learn how to say ‘it’s my turn now’ nicely, but assertively. She definitely needs you help to learn how to say *It’s my turn to make you do what I say now and grade you!’ Or a far simpler ‘Don’t do that, let’s play xyz instead’. Or whatever.

Hopefully this child will leave her alone now and she’ll make some new friends.

I would do some surreptitious, low-level brain-washing.

We had a similar situation at school last year (DD now 7). It was horrid, and lasted months.

Partly I put it down to this insidious language around having/needing a ‘BFF’. It’s everywhere in popular culture, and the little girls lap it up. It’s on the graphics of half the pencil cases at the shops, ffs.

I refuse to support it- if it’s mentioned I say ‘we don’t do bffs in this house, we do ‘lots of friends’. I don’t let her draw/write these bff love notes they are so keen on, I encourage other wording and pictures instead. I don’t let her buy/make presents for the bff (new this year). It has to be 2 or 3 things, for multiple friends, on the proviso that no one feel left out. Eg she can give it to the 3 mates she does tennis with, from her class, at the tennis lesson.

Harsh maybe, but I’m fighting against a very strong tide!

My sister had this and eventually staged an intervention. The "best friend" was domineering, consistently unkind to my gentle niece and isolating her from making other friends it had gone on for ages it's not ok.

Teach dd that friends aren't unkind and that's it's ok to not be friends with someone who is unkind.
Withdraw her from shared activities if your lives entwined.
Encourage other friendships like mad

Mission friendships can be toxic even at 6. I have seen similar with both my DD"s frienships and unfortunately, these children often come from toxic homes where fighting, arguing and emotional abuse are rife.

A bright 6 year old can learn quite easily how to manipulate if she sees her parents doing the same.

OP you did the RIGHT thing.

Now...go on a playdate offensive....ask a different child home each week....ask DD whose nice.

Also ask the teacher about other kids....they often know which child would benefit from a playdate....out of 30 kids there are more than a few who don't find friendships easy or who are shyer than others.

Oh and I saw recently one case of a girl who has been isolated from all the other kids by her overbearing friend all the way through primary....they hit their last year in primary and boom. The controlling girl dumped her friend and left her with nobody to fall back on.

Any chance of joining something like Brownies, it is great for confidence and is a good place to make friends outside of school.

Kind thoughtful girls from calm loving families are vulnerable to this sort of relationship tbh youve not gone far enough. Why are you supporting this at all seems you are fretting you've upset the friendship? You need to teach her she can and needs to make other friends and she is allowed to no matter what bossy madam thinks.

Agree AjasLipstick they usually learn it at home and the more these kids get away with it and get used to getting their own way the more it continues and the worse it gets. By year 7 and year 8 some of these girls are absolutely horrendous in their quest for popularity and queen bee status.
My DD is a lovely girl, lacking in confidence and young for her age. She has had a hard time these last 12 months and has made some right and brave decisions. She now doesn’t have many strong friendships but she knows the difference between right and wrong and doesn’t invest time and effort on people who don’t treat her right.

We are going through this, so I'm glad you've posted. I think intervention is necessary when it seems like your child doesn't have the skills to handle a situation.

In my 6yo DD's class there are three year groups in one (weird hippy school) and her "best friend" is 18 months older than her and a lot more savvy/mature.

DD is pretty confident and won't always do what she is told, at which point the BFF is "mean" to her. When DD drifts away to other friends, the BFF is nice to her again. I have done what others have suggested and discouraged the whole BFF thing, and talked about how friends are nice to you ALL the time, not some of the time.

I avoided talking to the teacher until this week when said BFF encouraged another classmate to put his hand down my DD's pants. The school has taken it very seriously, thankfully.

However instead of this being a catalyst to branching out to new friends, DD is saying that her "friend" has apologised and promised never to do anything like this again. So our talks continue, and I'm keeping a close eye, along with the teacher.

Stressful, and uncharted territory for me.

Belphegor that's awful. It's so stressful isn't it, worrying about what goes on and trying to somehow help your child deal with it all. The difficulty is I'm friends with the girl's mum so detaching is going to be challenging but I think, necessary.

Yes that's hard. I'm quite gobby so I would find it hard to keep my mouth shut if I was friends with the mum!

Before this I had thought my DD was pretty clued up as to boundaries, friendships etc - we talk about this stuff a lot. But I think when they get to school and mummy isn't there saying "that's not what friends do, is it?" it all seems to go out the window!

Don't discuss it with your friend the child's Mum OP. Not at all.

If she asks something such as "Oh, X said Tara didn't want to play" or "X said Tara has asked Sophie for a playdate and not her"

Smile and be vague...change the subject.

She may not nose at all but she may....it's better to stay polite and friendly.

Phrases such as "Oh they all work it out together in the end!" said with a cheery smile, also work. Shows you're not interested in getting emotionally open about it all.

If you're friends with the girl's mum, can you have a word with her? Not 'this is an issue' kind of word, but maybe making it a bit lighter, "gosh, did you know your dd marks my dd on obedience, aren't kids funny?" kind of word, and you can then discuss it a bit, but not pejoratively, and then together find a solution so the girls can continue their friendship, as can you mums.

"Also ask the teacher about other kids....they often know which child would benefit from a playdate....out of 30 kids there are more than a few who don't find friendships easy or who are shyer than others."

I didn't see this advice first time round, this is a really good idea.

My DC has been going through a similar thing. We've been doing a spot of role play with how to respond if other kid is being mean. Trying to get her to stick up for herself a bit, but also instigated a closer friendship with another nicer child by sending to the same after school activity. I wonder if acting lessons might help, so that you can act confident even if you don't feel it?

Marking your child on obedience makes me wonder if other child is copying a parent? Maybe they get scored at home?!