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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to socialise with a ‘friend’ who hasn’t been very nice to my child

46 replies

Timeforachange2018 · 15/03/2018 18:41

Friend I met at school- we became really good friends through our elder children but her younger child has been really horrible to my child as in and class and she had colluded with it.
She acts like nothing has happened and Iike our friendship and social like can go on as before. But I can’t act as though nothing has happened and want distance between us (well actually I want to tell her to get fucked)
Aibu to think that if you can’t be nice to my child and if you cause them upset, you can get fucked as my friend? I actually can’t separate the two!

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeforachange2018 · 15/03/2018 18:42

*social life

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 15/03/2018 18:44

Need more background. Age of kids? What did her child do? What do you think she should have done?

PlateOfBiscuits · 15/03/2018 18:46

Agree on the need for more info. In what way did she ‘collude’?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/03/2018 18:47

I couldn't separate the two, either, and I would drop her.

liltingleaf · 15/03/2018 18:48

What would you like her to do? She can talk to her child however, at school, it is the school staff's role to supervise and intervene. She was not there. Unless there were other witnesses, it is your child's word against her's.

Original poster
Timeforachange2018 · 15/03/2018 18:49

Age of younger child 6 - her child has been really horrible- I have had to go into school a few times- excluding my child deliberately, name calling etc. I tried to talk to my friend and her response has been pretty much to shrug shoulders.

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 15/03/2018 18:52

But what did SHE do?

Original poster
Timeforachange2018 · 15/03/2018 18:54

Well nothing. But her child is causing my child to come home sobbing from school. If my child was making another child feel like that then I would’nt shrug my shoulders. Especially if it was a friends child.

OP posts:
liltingleaf · 15/03/2018 18:55

But has her child's behaviour being confirmed by the teachers? What have they done to intervene? To be entirely fair, from what you have said, she has not been there to intervene and at this age intervention at the occurrence of negative behaviour is going to be the most effective. She might not actually believe your child's account over her own, if no one has witnessed the behaviour, either.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2018 18:56

That would be a dealbreaker in the friendship, my children come first. You are totally right. If she asked, I would tell her. A decent friend would be horrified, if she is doing nothing about her kids bullying yours, than she is no friend.

Thirtyrock39 · 15/03/2018 18:57

This is one of the downsides of making friends through the kids. Have been on both sides of it. They're young at 6 and things can quickly change - if she is a good friend I would try and over look it but it's hard

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2018 18:58

How can you overlook it, when your child is sobbing and it is affecting them, and you are going into school trying to sort it out.

JessieMcJessie · 15/03/2018 18:59

Why are you even asking? You clearly don’t like her any more, the reason is irrelevant- you’re an adult, you don’t have to friends with people you don’t like.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2018 18:59

I would want to show my kids that i support them, and there for them, and continuing to be friends with the bullies mother whilst they are having a hard time at school as a result of her kids, would not be it.

Original poster
Timeforachange2018 · 15/03/2018 19:00

The teacher has seen some of the behaviours in class and has spoken to the mother too (as teacher told me what he was going up do) but friend doesn’t seem to recognise the behaviours in her child. I don’t know- it’s really upsetting when your child is sobbing and feeling ostracised in school

OP posts:
OutyMcOutface · 15/03/2018 19:03

That’s pretty common at that age. Does she know how much this is effecting your child? Is your child known to be the sensitive type? She may be attributing the upset to this. What exactly has the teacher said?

user1474652148 · 15/03/2018 19:05

The very first lesson I learnt raising dc once they went to school was that you really can not get so emotional and stressed every time your child has a problem/squabble/issue at school.
You definitely can not be falling out with your friends over it unless it is very serious.
The dc may well be the best of friends next week. You have to play the long game. They are six!!
If there is a problem at school take it up with the teacher and let them deal with it. I don’t know what you expect your friend to do she is not even there, and you only have one side of the story.
You will have no school or home friends left if you intend to deal with every issue like this. Children fall out, they can be incredibly unkind at times they can also be amazing friends. It is school life.

nursy1 · 15/03/2018 19:09

I’d definitely keep a bit of distance at the moment and concentrate on supporting your dc but I agree with 52148. It often turns out they are best of friends a few days later.

liltingleaf · 15/03/2018 19:11

The teacher has seen some of the behaviours in class and has spoken to the mother too (as teacher told me what he was going up do) but friend doesn’t seem to recognise the behaviours in her child. I don’t know- it’s really upsetting when your child is sobbing and feeling ostracised in schoo

Well, if I were your friend, I'd be assuring you I'd spoken to my child about it and was working with the school. If she doesn't do this then I'm afraid that would compromise my friendship too.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 15/03/2018 19:12

Sorry, OP (and others). I agree with User147. I don't think adults should get involved in the arguments of children. You don't have to encourage the kids to socialise. But as User said, they could be best friends again next week.

That's not to say you shouldn't take your daughter's issue seriously. And you should support her - listen to her, help her with techniques to deal with it. But I wouldn't base my friendships on who a 6 year old does and doesn't like at the moment.

These girls are likely to be in school together for a good few years yet. I would hope school would deal with the behaviour.

Of course, if you don't want to be friends with this woman any more, you don't have to be. But I would say that you being friends with her isn't a disloyalty.

Original poster
Timeforachange2018 · 15/03/2018 19:13

@nursy1 it’s actually been going on since last September so it’s not been a case of ‘it’ll be ok in a few days’ - it really hasn’t been ok at all

OP posts:
CreamEggEnthusiast · 15/03/2018 19:15

No way I would have anything to do with the parents of a bully. If she asked me why I'd tell her straight. Parents need to be held more accountable for their child's behaviour, especially when they are young.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2018 19:16

I hate the minimising of bullying going on here. It sounds much more than "petty squabbles". 🤔🤔

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2018 19:21

I thought it was anti bullying in schools this week, yet we have minimisation of bullying going on right here. It is not petty squabbles if op children come home sobbing, and she has had to go into school to try and sort it out. Of course op is going to support her children against the bullying, what parent would not, just leave their child to it. Geese the mentality of some in here!

SignoraStronza · 15/03/2018 19:32

I have met some lovely, genuine friends via school - I'd say we were friends for reasons other than offspring now. We've discussed this kind of scenario a few times and came to the same conclusion - pact if you like. We stay right out of the girls' friendship issues. You've got a long way to go op. Ours are year 6 (with some having year 5s and year 1s too) and they've fallen out and made up many a time over the years. At times they've been rather horrid to each other too. Pretty much settled into their own distinct groups now but get on ok outside of these as well and are all quite accepting of each other's quirks. It'll all change again come secondary I'm sure. They'll have school friends, village friends, drama/ music/ sports club friends etc.
We've been quite horrified at the falling out among some parents over their children's squabbles.