To not want to socialise with a ‘friend’ who hasn’t been very nice to my child

[Timeforachange2018]

Friend I met at school- we became really good friends through our elder children but her younger child has been really horrible to my child as in and class and she had colluded with it.
She acts like nothing has happened and Iike our friendship and social like can go on as before. But I can’t act as though nothing has happened and want distance between us (well actually I want to tell her to get fucked)
Aibu to think that if you can’t be nice to my child and if you cause them upset, you can get fucked as my friend? I actually can’t separate the two!

I am shocked at some of the responses on here. so Signora if your friends kids were nasty to your kids, it was ongoing, and evident it was not "petty squabbles* you would just let them carry on, and not support your DC if they were coming home sobbing every night. So yiur friendships are far more important then!

@aeroflot I think this is what I have struggled with - the minimising of how my child is feeling

You are your kids patent, they have to know you have their back. She is obviously supporting her child, you need to support yours.

You said in OP that you can't separate the two, so you already have your answer.

Just tell her to take a hike and be done with it.

Agree with Aero

There's talk of (not) minimising bullying upthread which you can't argue with. Can a six year old actually bully though? Are they that malicious, or just naughty?

I can't see here where / if you've actually spoken to your friend about this. She may not realise the severity of the kids situation and how you feel about it. She'd likely be mortified, I would be. Can the four of you go somewhere away from school and see if that helps?

Aeroflotgirl don't be so bloody ridiculous. Of course I've supported my child, comforted them and sympathised with them, however I've held off going charging into school at the first sign of bad behaviour and not immediately labelled it as 'bullying'. I'd like to think I've helped DD with strategies to manage in this situation - and indeed, all is fine now. Unfortunately, children need to learn that in life there are always going to be occasions when people are horrid. Far better to help them develop resilience. Most situations would be inflamed by speaking to the parents of said child and in 99% of cases, resolve themselves. You often see children who've fallen out become form friends again by the end of the week, while their parents are still blanking each other at the school gates.
DD also recognises that you can't be best friends with absolutely everyone and thankfully has learned to care a lot less.

You often see children who've fallen out become form friends again by the end of the week, while their parents are still blanking each other at the school gates.

Normally I agree with this sentiment 100%, however, this has gone beyond a small falling out.

This is clearly an ongoing problem.

How often would your child have to come home sobbing over the same thing for you to stand up for her?

I couldn't socialise with anyone whose collusion was making my darling childs life hell at school.. like ever ...

I would want to show my kids that i support them, and there for them, and continuing to be friends with the bullies mother whilst they are having a hard time at school as a result of her kids, would not be it

Exactly. If my parent/s continued to be friends with the parents of a child who was bullying me I'd feel extremely betrayed by them.

This has been going on for at least six months now. It's not just 'petty squabbling', and obviously hasn't/isn't going to blow over in a few days. The other mother has clearly 'sided' with her own child, so I don't see any point in clinging onto what is really a non-existent friendship.

Signora, this has been going on from September, so not really short term, and the child is only 6, and needs that parents support. I am sure that op has not been charging in at the drop of a hat, day after day if your child is coming home from school crying and unhappy, as a parent, you need to get to the bottom of it. A child has to be safe and happy at school.

Signora same. My best local friends are via the kids. Our kids are (were) really good friends. But sometimes they squabble and fall out. My closest friend's dd and my own once had a physical fight! Not affected the friendships though.

I see lots of clients 50/60 somethings socialising with and having strong friendships with their children's friends. "Children" now all adults long flown the nest. Think carefully before burning bridges...

FGS this is not a petty squabble, it has been lasting for six months resulting in ops dc coming home crying and feeling rubbish about themselves. I absolutely hate the minimising going on this thread. I was six when a bully boy of the same age, stood me in a corner, and called me names, proceeded to pull his pants down and wee on me, I already had low confidence due to bullies, after that I was utterly humiliated. I am now 42 and still it humiliates me.

Aero what happened to was truly terrible. It has clearly really affected you. This situation is not like that though, and although I agree op should absolutely be all over this situation at school, supporting her child etc she does need to remember they are so young at just six. Finding their way. Falling out with people so early on when you have years and years left is not wise.
A bit of distance may not harm, but a full on falling out will be counter productive - showing her child exactly how not to deal with it.
The school should be dealing with this robustly.

Thanks very much user. It has I still feel embarassed and humiliated all those years later, and that is why have a zero tolerance of bullying. This is what is going on here. Bullies don't just happen when they are older, the seeds are sown from a very young age. Op DC are being picked on by the 'friends' kids for 6 months, 6 month op DC are having to endure this, it is a long time for an adult, let alone a six year old. I would find tge friends reaction totally unacceptable and a dealbreaker, like she does not care and it does not matter. If I found out my DC were bullying I woukd be absolutely livid with them, and I woukd apologise and get my DC to write an apology and deliver it in person to them. I woukd not be sticking my head in the wAter, and do nothing. This is a serious ongoing issue, enough that op DC are upset every day, the teacher has witnessed the behaviours from the friends kids.

I woukd want to know, what school are doing to keep my child safe. This shoukd not be carrying on for 6 months. My kids come first over friendships, op should not just suck it up fir the sake of the school mummy friendships. Yiur DC need to know yiu have their back, and are protecting them.

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names and words won't hurts me! How very wrong that is, names do hurt, and they cut deep, especially for a young child. You are their only protector, they come first, not other mums.

what did OP decide to do

More to the point what are the school doing if your daughter is coming home and crying everyday, I would want the school to be having serious words with the other parents

To the poster who asked if children as young as 6 can really be bullies: yes, they can. My DS was bullied from reception (!) by one little boy, and that lad's behaviour got worse as he got older. By 6, it was very sophisticated mind games. He bullied lots of kids in his class and it only got sorted after a group of parents forced the school to tackle it (& he was caught in the act twice, he was normally careful to do it out of earshot). So yes, it can and does happen! It's nothing like the little fall outs that kids can have. As for the bully, he left the school last year and the whole class has benefited- OP, ditch your friend. Your kid needs you to stand up for her.

At last, some common sense, thank you birds.

If I have understood correctly this is happening when the children are at school, not when they are with you and your friend.

If so I would be directing my focus on the school to resolve the issue. They need to be dealing with it especially if it has been going on for a while. I wouldn't be approaching the friend directly about the issue but would expect the school to be doing so.