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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave them on their own?

70 replies

Tinkobell · 15/03/2018 13:41

DD, 16 years has a boyfriend. Nice lad, v nice lad. They probably know more about the birds and bees than us old fogues. They are arranging dates and trystes, trying v hard to be alone. Alarm bells ringing. Met my husband when he was a teen......he has nice lad, a v nice lad. He was also a raving sex machine!

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 15/03/2018 14:14

If you wanted to have the chat about saving yourself for someone special you should have had it years ago not left it until she is 16 . I hope your daughter is more sensible than you because frankly you are coming across like a complete idiot .

DailyMailEatsSnails · 15/03/2018 14:15

xpost... I might not get the condoms, but I would say "Do YOU know where to get them?" Besides, boys like to be prepared. Doing the lad a favour to make sure he knows.

DD found herself snogging someone apparently totally suddenly the other day Hmm. It was a good moment to remind her that things can escalate much faster than you ever expected.

Original poster
Tinkobell · 15/03/2018 14:16

Really really like it Daily Mail - you're genius! Might add the condoms to the shopping list next to the Brussel sprouts - just in case.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 15/03/2018 14:18

Welll they will have sex, that’s a given, so why not give education and the thumbs up? I think that by late teens we need to be able to see our kids as having a sexuality, and all that goes with it. If she were 14 I’d understand you concern( but I’d still know that she would find a way, the human race would be extinct by now if the drive was negligible).

And teens are sex machines, it’s biology, that’s how it works. The things that matter are consent, safer sex, and knowing you have someone older and wiser to talk to when it all goes tits up.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 15/03/2018 14:18

Why do you keep harping on about your husband being a raving sex machine? Hmm

Just say "look I was your age once" and ask her if she wants you to buy some condoms etc

Chrys2017 · 15/03/2018 14:18

Tinkobell Their having sex is a foregone conclusion. Purchasing the condoms indicates that (a) you know about it; and (b) the pair of them need to be responsible about it. (Do you 'disapprove' of it?)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/03/2018 14:19

I think while you're having 'the chat' you also need to include consent, never feeling pressured into doing anything she doesn't want to do, and the risks of sexting... (so glad I didn't have to worry about the latter when I was 16!).

Original poster
Tinkobell · 15/03/2018 14:19

Floral nomad. I'm not an idiot thank you. I may not be as brill as no doubt you would be I've done a pretty good job so far, thanks. Mums net is full of threads of gone wrongs - so if I'm so shite, what about the rest of the world!

OP posts:
Chrys2017 · 15/03/2018 14:19

Teenagers are generally embarrassed about buying condoms. Don't take that chance. Buy them yourself.

Original poster
Tinkobell · 15/03/2018 14:20

By the way Floralnomad. It is not our first chat. Though you didn't ask.

OP posts:
phoenix1973 · 15/03/2018 14:22

Surely condom is better than nothing.

Original poster
Tinkobell · 15/03/2018 14:24

Phoenix - agree. But if you do decide to go deep sea diving, you don't just take a snorkel do you?

OP posts:
swanlife · 15/03/2018 14:28

My mum got me confident ringing the doctors about any personal illnesses etc.That meant when I wanted to go on contraception (at 18) I was confident doing it myself. My mum checked in occasionally being nosey about it. Because we'd talked about sex before I was very open and honest. To the point where when I had nasty side effects with a pill I went to her and asked her what she thought I should try instead!
Chat to her about her boyfriend (confining her to a car so she has to engage is a good tip) find out how far they've gone) nod along be accepting offer advice if it looks like she wants it. If she's not had sex yet chat to her about going on the pill. Let her know there are condoms in x drawer in the bathroom she is welcome to use and that you can give her a lift to the doctors if needs be.
Having a good line of communication with Mum is important to teens having sex. No advice could have replaced my mums. It's helps build an adult relationship between the two of you not just a parent child relationship. Hope it all works out 😀

Missingstreetlife · 15/03/2018 14:30

Probably a bit late for the chat now, but try, she should know to value herself and not be used. You can say you rather she waits, if he likes her he will accept it, but yes to gp or clinic for reliable contraception, and make condoms available. Tell the boy you expect him to respect your daughter and treat her well. Doesn't have to be under your roof if you are not comfortable. Don't just take it for granted but help them be safe. The emotional fall out can be painful if it doesn't work out.

DextroDependant · 15/03/2018 14:32

When my teen brother lived with me I used to just buy condoms and put them in his room. Wether he used them or not I didn't know I just bought them regularly so they were there. He did have a long-term girlfriend.

pumpersnatch · 15/03/2018 14:34

Erm sorry but Im really not going to be a cool mum and be buying condoms and asking them for code words!
Bloody hell !

cooldarkroom · 15/03/2018 14:35

I would say to her/
Darling child we need to have "the talk", I know its embarrassing, but if you haven't already, or if you are planning to have sex with bf .......
She will then cut you off "oh come ON Mum this is Sooo unecessary bla bla bla.
You : OK, but you need to hear it from me, it is my role as mother, & there really are things you need to know.
So you need to decide whether you want to go on the pill? also, have you had the sex education talk at school ? you will have to use a condom due to STIs, even if he says he's a beginner, do you want me to get some so you can mess around & see what they're like, (think banana)
& also be prepared.
You absolutely must use one with or without the pill, if not you can get pregnant & I imagine that is not in your immediate plans.
I know this is making you cringe, but I just want you to be prepared whether its this week or next year. So remember I am here if you have questions & that you do not at any time have to have sex with him if you are not ready, if he is forcing you it is all wrong.
Its like learning to drive, it isn't as simple as it seems , tra la la

sirlee66 · 15/03/2018 14:36

It could be the middle of the day or the dead if night. In a comfy bed or behind a bin. If they're gonna do it, they're gonna do it.

All you can do is hope you've given as much information on safe sex and how DD can effectively protect herself against not only unplanned pregnancies and STI's but also abuse, concent and what is 'normal' sex (e.g. she shouldn't think sex will be like porn)

Hogtini · 15/03/2018 14:38

You're right, she probably does know more than you...particularly about the contraception! Shock

Original poster
Tinkobell · 15/03/2018 14:41

Thanks all, really appreciated. Will do my best. My folks did sweet FA when I was 16, but that was their generation wasn't it. She's been at a girls school and to be honest it's a bubble. At my comp at 14 we were up to all sorts!

OP posts:
expatmigrant · 15/03/2018 14:43

DD also had a longterm boyfriend at 16 and i knew they would DTD at some point. I made sure she went to the GP to have a prescription for the pill and practised safe sex also.

Original poster
Tinkobell · 15/03/2018 14:49

Hey. Just thought of something. What could be a lesser aphrodisiac for a boy than being told "here, my mum bought these for us" 😀

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/03/2018 14:49

What you need to do is get a pack of condoms and hand them out to boyfriend with a big flourish next time you open the door to him. With a raised eyebrow.
I reckon he'd avoid sex for the next couple of years at least.

Dancergirl · 15/03/2018 14:50

Their having sex is a foregone conclusion

No it isn't. I hate this notion that ALL teenagers can't wait to have sex, drink, take drugs and so on. It's such a stereotype. SOME teens do these things but there are plenty that don't.

And I also disagree that your role as a parent is purely to make sure they are practicing safe sex. There is a lot more to it than that. Having a sexual relationship requires emotional maturity and being able to deal with the consequences of, say, if the relationship breaks down.

ChikiTIKI · 15/03/2018 14:51

Condoms work! I used them for 10 years with my husband. Got pregnant first month of not using them.