To Refuse to have him back?

[GreenDiscovery]

NC but some may recognise my story as I've posted about it before...

BIL (24 yo) lives at home with MIL. He's in 6k worth of debt through taking out pay day loans whilst unemployed to pay for gambling and holidays with his GF.

A temprary job opportunity came up near us (1.5 hours away) and he asked if he could come to stay with us during the week and return home each weekend to see his GF. We agreed on the basis he pay his way here and that we don't ferry him around.

We're 7 weeks in and he wants to quit. He hasn't paid us for over two weeks despite promise to, instead he's been giving his gf money for driving lessons. He promised to pay us what he owes tomorrow before he goes home for the weekend.

This morning he hasn't gone to work, he's sneaked off home, leaving his dirty washing on the kitchen floor expecting me to wash it ready for next week He obviously has no intention of paying us tomorrow and isn't taking this job seriously.

We've tried our best to help him sort his debt out. Giving him options he can take, signposting to different charities. But he just doesn't care.

AIBU to refuse to have him back Sunday night?

I'd give him a week's notice. Tell him that unless he pays in full on Monday then he has to leave by next Friday. And that from now on unless he pays regularly every week then he can't come back after the weekend.

And, whatever you do, don't do his washing!

100% reasonable

You aren't helping him by enabling this behaviour

His job finishes next Friday so I doubt that would work. I've gone with this for DP who is desperate to help his brother. Hopefully this has opened his eyes that some people can't be helped especially if they don't want in.

Definitely tell him that if he's not paid up by Monday, then he can't stay there, and that you've got rid of the pile of dirty clothes he left on the floor, but next time can he put it straight into the Wheely bin himself.

In that case I honk you're not going to get your money no matter what you do. Only you can decide whether it's less stressful to get rid of him now or to let him stay to avoid any potential family grief.

But still, don't do the washing

• don't think. Not honk

Thank you. I feel better with some reassurance. I think DPs family see me as the big bad wolf who is totally BU. But we live in a small 2 bed house with DD. We're paying for a wedding. BIL sleeps in the conservatory with an electric blanket and electric heater and were eating £40 electric a week. We just can't afford that when he's not contributing. He gets all his food paid for and made for him and he can't even be arsed to put his plate in the dishwasher

If you do let him stay the last week then take the electric blanket and heater away - tell him that as he hasn't paid you can't afford it. And stop feeding him.

It all depends on what your DP says.

I wouldn't allow him back until what is owed and advance money is given. If your PILs are soft enough to bail him out, that is there concern.

My ex Son-in-law was pandered to the sane way. At 33 he is a total fuck up. Its his responsibility of course, but his Parents have contributed to this and its destroyed his life.

Oh, I remember you. You posted about his coming to yours earlier and it sounded like a recipe for a shitstorm and turned out to be just that.

Of course he's never going to pay you a bean, why would he, you're enabling him in every way and even skivvying for him. It's like living in a full-service home for free.

Who the fuck is picking up after him?

He wouldn't be coming back to stay. Tell him NOW. 'This isn't working. You never pay us. You need to stay with MIL.'

Bin bag his dirty washing. Don't do it. Put it aside somewhere out of the way and tell BIL that as he hasn't paid you he has until some day/date of your choosing to collect it and take it away, otherwise you will bin it.

He hasn't paid you recently, so the arrangement is cancelled.

I have some past experience here, though don't want to go into detail. It doesn't get any better though, not usually.

I'd make it clear to him today that unless he pays what he owes before Sunday, the deal is off and he's not welcome to stay anymore.

That way, you're giving him notice and not leaving him hanging on Sunday night.

Isn't he just going to use everything you say as a reason for chucking the job? Or does the job literally only run until next Friday?

I can see a bloke like this storming back to mother saying 'well, they threw me out, expected me to go to work in filthy clothes after no sleep in a freezing room AND cook my own food - of course I had to jack in the job, how could I work under those circumstances?'

And his mother will believe him completely and you will still be the big bad. If it's only for another week, can't you cut down on what you do (like letting him have the heating on all night by the sounds of it. Electric blanket alone will be enough) and tell him to sort his own food - that way you've done EVERYTHING YOU COULD to facilitate him working. And when he fails to ever lift another finger, at least you (and possibly his mother) might see exactly who is at fault really?

Yanbu. I'd tell him if he doesn't pay the 2 weeks he owes plus next week's in advance, he's not coming in.

I remember an earlier post. I’d get your DH to tell him that you want to Ben paid on Sunday or he’s not welcome. There’s no option. I also wouldn’t do his washing. That’d be in a bag waiting for him.

If there’s talk of “oh, it’s only another week” say; no. It’s xx weeks of us not being paid and him treating us with a complete lack of respect

Oh yes, absolutely don't do his washing for him, cheeky bloody sod!

Why on Earth should this person be given another chance to skive at his brother's with his SIL making his meals and picking up his plate to put it in the dishwasher?

He'll kick up a fuss, 'How will I work then?' 'You wanted to quit and you skived off two days last week.'

It's a 7 week job with a week to go, and he owes you over two weeks' rent/expenses?

Has he left anything of value? Because if not then I would assume that he's jacked the last week of the job and upped it before he has to pay you.

Don't have him back - if it's the last week, he won't pay.

I agree with others, bin bag the dirty washing. I would be very specific with any contact you have. IE Text/email to bring the cash he owes you as agreed for his food and electricity costs for the past 2 weeks. And while you’re at it, let him know you won’t be doing his laundry. Giving his gf cash for lessons instead of paying his bills ffs.

I'm glad someone understands! I know the moment we refuse to have him back, we'll be the bad guys. We'll be the reason he can't work and why he's fallen back into depression. I know this isn't true. It's DP I feel sorry for. His mum and dad are separated and they both put pressure on him to help his DB.

He’s been enabled too much. And his parents are now expecting you to do it. Terrible. Why is it your dps job and what does he say to them? My take is why do he/you care what his parents say when it’s obviously rubbish?

Why have you been doing his washing and cooking?
I personally wouldn't have him back and I would kick up a fuss till he pays you the money he owes you

Take a photo of the pile of washing.

Send it (or ask DH to), along with a message saying haven’t paid for 2 weeks to MIL. Ask her is this reasonable?

Either he pays up or he doesn’t come back.