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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Refuse to have him back?

46 replies

GreenDiscovery · 15/03/2018 12:51

NC but some may recognise my story as I've posted about it before...

BIL (24 yo) lives at home with MIL. He's in 6k worth of debt through taking out pay day loans whilst unemployed to pay for gambling and holidays with his GF.

A temprary job opportunity came up near us (1.5 hours away) and he asked if he could come to stay with us during the week and return home each weekend to see his GF. We agreed on the basis he pay his way here and that we don't ferry him around.

We're 7 weeks in and he wants to quit. He hasn't paid us for over two weeks despite promise to, instead he's been giving his gf money for driving lessons. He promised to pay us what he owes tomorrow before he goes home for the weekend.

This morning he hasn't gone to work, he's sneaked off home, leaving his dirty washing on the kitchen floor expecting me to wash it ready for next week He obviously has no intention of paying us tomorrow and isn't taking this job seriously.

We've tried our best to help him sort his debt out. Giving him options he can take, signposting to different charities. But he just doesn't care.

AIBU to refuse to have him back Sunday night?

OP posts:

Hissy · 15/03/2018 13:46

His mum and dad are separated and they both put pressure on him to help his DB.

You are helping this bloke. You have provided a roof, on the proviso he contributes, he's not. this is also the tip of the iceberg

if they want to pay his rent for him, then all well and good but you are £hundreds down on what he promised he'd pay, he's treating the house worse than a hotel and showing absolute contempt for you both.

Tell them to feel free to rent an AirBnB for him, but you have to cut your losses.

LagunaBubbles · 15/03/2018 13:50

Why are you feeding him?

KimmySchmidt1 · 15/03/2018 13:50

Have you talked to him about what a massive lying phoney bullsh1tter he is paying for someone else’s driving lessons when he is flat broke?

What a fake. He is going to die homeless in his 40s under s bridge somewhere if he doesn’t start having some decent values.

TheClitterati · 15/03/2018 13:56

YANBU - he's an arse and probably a lost cause.

expatinscotland · 15/03/2018 13:56

Then be the bad guys.

Topseyt · 15/03/2018 14:02

No harm in being the bad guys here. That's what we had to do.

RideOn · 15/03/2018 14:04

I'd wait until tomorrow.

Then if he doesnt pay you I'd tell your DP that even with all the help you have given, he still hasnt been able to manage this very reasonable courtesy of not leaving you out of pocket (whilst paying for luxury for GF). This appears to be his attitude/decision. Until this changes there is going to be no improvement in his life trajectory. But what do I know, as I don't know what positive to suggest, sorry.

Original poster

GreenDiscovery · 15/03/2018 14:16

I know. I think DP was shocked when BIL told him last night that he'd been paying for his GF's lessons. DP asked nicely on Monday for what he owes and was met with 'I've got nout till Friday'. So that was a smack in the face.

OP posts:

TemptressofWaikiki · 15/03/2018 14:29

Be that bad wolf! It doesn’t matter what you do, his parents are trying to palm off this loser on to you. What happens when they are no longer around to enable him? Why did you do his laundry anyway? Tell him that he can only spend another week until he pays for what he owes and ahead. At least, you won’t lose more money and can just cut your losses.

Namechangetempissue · 15/03/2018 14:38

Agree with bagging up the dirty washing. Don't wash it. I would get your DH to ring him and ask if he is intending to go to temp job next week or if he is finished. If he isn't going to go, can he please collect his things and pay up for the two weeks he owes as he obviously will not need a room with you anymore. I wouldn't give a shit about being the bad guy. He is a pisstaker!

NorthEndGal · 15/03/2018 14:54

If you don't stand up for yourself, you'll be seething at BIL and your DO
No one else is willing to stop this, as you have seen. You need to decide if you will or not.
If you've arent willing to run your own house the way you want, you can't complain when others won't either

mickeysminnie · 15/03/2018 15:37

You've let him take the piss for 6 weeks. Let him stay for the last week and the next time, because there will be one, use his appalling behaviour as a reason to never help again.
For the last week, take the electric blanket and heater off him and let him sort his own food and washing out.

Original poster

GreenDiscovery · 15/03/2018 15:55

I'm going to have a serious chat with DP tonight. Either he lays down the law, or I will.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 15/03/2018 15:56

That is startling in it's CFness.

Don't do the washing!

I would kick him out, but I don't mind being the bad guy.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/03/2018 16:13

Wow what a lazy waste of space! And he will never grow up if people keep bailing him out.

expatinscotland · 15/03/2018 17:15

£40 a week you could be spending on your child, not to mention the extra food and washing. And skivvying for him, too. Nope, wouldn't have a problem being the bad guy here. He's already bunked off the job, too. 'We've decided this isn't working. You have not paid us, have treated our home like a doss house, expect to be waited on. We gave it a chance, but we can't carry on like this. You'll need to stay at MILs from now on.'

Hissy · 15/03/2018 17:34

Actually because of the pressure they think they can all exert on your dp, I think YOU should take this up yourself.

Tell them that for the sake of dp and the ILS you have gone along with this in spite of your well founded reservations - which HAVE actually come to pass - and so as you won’t be guilt tripped or pressed to put up with any more of this crap that you are drawing a line.

Tell everyone That he’s running up over £40 a week in electric bills, expecting to be cleared up after, cooking, washing and general arse wiping and then STILL is stiffing you both by not paying rent but spending the money on driving lessons for a girlfriend.

Pass on the bank details for him to transfer money today or he won’t be setting foot inside your home again.

Go nuclear! It’s the only way with people like this!

Hissy · 15/03/2018 17:36

People like this rely on people not wanting to be the bad guy

BE THE BAD GUY!

You only have to do it once!!

Iloveacurry · 15/03/2018 17:42

He should be paying you for his keep as promised! Why is he paying for his GF driving lessons, can’t she pay for these herself? If his parents are so keen for you to help, ask them for the money he owes!

Appuskidu · 15/03/2018 17:44

What a cheeky fucker! Definitely tell him to get stuffed.

Has he resigned from this job or was it a 7- week contract?

HildaZelda · 15/03/2018 18:12

Oh OP, I remember your previous post (probably because I have a similar BIL)
He needs to go. He's had too many chances and taken advantage way too many times.

Don't you dare do that washing. Throw it in a bin bag and leave it there for him.

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