To take a stand against my 6 year old and DM

[crashbangwhallop]

Had a visitor this morning who had to look around our house. I spent this morning doing the manic pre visitor clean as always. Running around like a headless chicken with the bloody hoover, bleach down the loo, scoop the poop out of the cat litter so nobody thinks even my cats shit stinks.
I get to the bedrooms, my room just needs the bed made and a hoover and we’re okay. DS room looks like someone’s set a toy and paper bomb off in there... there’s lego everywhere, ripped up paper on the floor, underpants flung across the room and clean clothes pulled out of his closet to be left on the floor. I looked at it for about ten minutes before deciding he would be coming home from school and tidying his bloody mess up himself. I spent Sunday (Mother’s day of all days) cleaning his room and trying to organise his toys so that he could clear space for his birthday presents this weekend. No doubt it will just add to the ridiculous amount he has.
I worked really hard to clean it and organise it and at some point he has shat all over that hard work.
I told the guy who came over that I was sorry it was like it but DS would be tidying it this afternoon after school. He agreed with me.
After he was gone DM and DSis called together and have both told me IABU to think a 6 year old can put his own toys away. Apparently this is slave labour and I should be ashamed of myself. DM has a habit of spoiling DS rotten. The one time she has visited us she spent it doing his tidying for him because I asked him to put his toys away before he had dinner.

6 isn’t too young to be tidying your own mess up is it? I’m not asking him to get the hoover out or scrub the walls, just put his toys back in any of the bloody boxes he got them out of!

This all depends, I think it is a step too far to ask a six year old to do a "clean up". I do not think it is too much to instill habits to prevent the room being trashed. Take off a pair of pants and put them straight in to the wash basket, clean clothes tidy on the chair for tomorrow. Play time should always be followed by tidy up time and I do think when you are teaching this it should be a joint activity. Rewards should be in the vein of " WHEN you have put those toys away we will have a story/tv time. Not " IF you tidy " It sounds like things are a little out of hand at the moment so I would start small. eg dirty pants in the basket. Praise may have to be a bit over the top at first. This sort of training is very gradual and I would start it as early as 2 or 3 with help. But if it hasnt always been part of your routine you cant just expect it to happen at 6. Be gentle, gradual, but firm and consistent. It is an expectation not a punishment. Children must be allowed to make a mess, and be aware that it will be needed to be tidied up. It does help if every member of the family is seen to tidy after themselves, not just one person tidying after everyone

The sticker chart is useless if he can't earn stickers every day. So dump it!
What does motivate him?
You need to make it easy to tidy. So laundry bag readily available. Storage for all toys, and the easier to get to the better. I also used to take away toys from my DC if they weren't put away - so would bundle the lego into black bags and stuff into the attic, for a while.
Also work with him to tidy, and make it a daily chore - not leaving it. Little and often is less overwhelming for him and you.

And you need to get on top of it at this age before they won't let you in their room or listen to you.

Also. try not to think of it as Taking a stand against him, more part of his education and training

I wonder what has brought this 6 going on 16 attitude on? 😳🙄

Still, the good thing is that when they are only 6, you still have total control over their lives and you can still physically out manoeuvre them 🤣.

I’d TRY to calm down before you pick him up, I’d TRY to tell him nicely that when we get home, after a snack, he needs to tidy his room and I’d TRY to ignore any moaning. I’d say ‘first you need to put your dirty washing in the laundry bin, then you need to pick up your xyz blah blah...then keep checking on him, issuing instructions if necessary.

It’s a shame you’ve lost your sweet wee boy and gained a messy mini-teenager...but, hopefully you can train the mini-teen now & bypass the slobby teen stage 😊

...🍷

Same here with coming to DCs rooms with a black bin bag and announcing stuff not tidied away will be dumped. It works

LOL I forgot your actual question was equally about your Mum.

I find ‘Oh don’t be so bloody ridiculous’ one of life’s most useful sentences!

Her & your SIL are batshit. Ignore.

He's certainly old enough to learn not to make a huge mess.

Tidying up his bedroom this time would teach him the consequences of making a big mess. No need for further punishments.

Go for it and ignore your mother.

Just to point out that he will probably need some guidance and encouragement.
Don't think of him as a 16 year old, but show him where to put things and how to tackle the mess one item at a time.

This sounds like my DM, I 'slave drive' my 8 year old DS into doing 'chores'. I only ever tell him to tidy up and sort the socks. The same woman who told me I was evil and committed 'child cruelty' by refusing to make another meal for DS after he announced half way through tea he 'didn't like' what he was given (despite having it multiple times before and actually ASKED for it for his tea!). Sent him to bed after he wouldn't eat it. DM used to make myself and my siblings sit at the table and we ate what we were given, until we finished/were sick/had been there over an hour, at which point we were sent to bed!

YANBU and I'd tell your DM and DSis to mind their own business

YANBU. You're the parent so you make the rules for your DS. And 6 years old is definitely not too young to tidy his things away, they're taught to do that at school.

YANBU at all. You would actually be unfair on him if you let him be incapable.

BUT kids aren’t born knowing how to do this stuff. You need to assist him the first few times, show him where things go. And you also need to help him by getting him in the routine of cleaning things away every day rather than waiting until it’s a tip.

And you do usually have to offer incentives.

Well apparently everyone is wrong because after speaking to my son after school he has dutifully informed me “the cat did it”. Apparently one of my cats is an extremely skilled ninja who can throw heavy toys, clothes and paper around a room as well as write my darling sons name on some of the bits of paper just to frame him!

aspoonful I’m starting to wonder if you’re my sister! My DM has said similar things to her. Lord knows why she hangs up with DM when she says things to me because it aggravates her just as much when DM puts her parenting skills down.

I have actually done the bin bag thing. I threatened it so many times that I had to do it in the end. He had to earn back one bag at a time without knowing what on earth was in it. He desperately wanted his hulk toy but had no idea which bag it was in. We had months of good behaviour and a clean bedroom after that. It was bliss!

Well, if it worked, do it again!

crashbangwhallop

I'd just send her a link like this written by people that have more then just their own personal opinion behind their suggestions.

www.webmd.com/parenting/features/chores-for-children

...so what happened after he framed the cat? 😼

I’d have said ‘Oh no, that’s very upsetting, I love Miss Cat, it’s such a shame that she'll have to go and live somewhere else, I can’t be having her make all this mess. I’m sure we will find her a good home, a cat that can write your name will be in huge demand’ ...with my inherited ‘stop that shit’ raised eyebrow.

No it's not, but I think you have to guide the tidying. I try and make my DC 4 and 6 help me, but I give each if them specific things to put away and tidy and make out it's a team effort and give them lots of praise when they go along with it.

Yanbu to say a 6yo needs to tidy their room. DS age 8 has been tidying his room every day since he was capable of picking up a toy (with parental assistance gradually being withdrawn as his abilities got better).

This is because mysteriously the TV in our house does not function if a bedroom upstairs is untidy.

Yabu to describe this as being "against" your DS though. Teaching him to be responsible for his possessions is an important part of your role as a parent. You are not a slave and ds should be participating in housework to the best of his ability.

I have four children. They all had chores to do and evil parent that I am, they didn't get their pocket money if a) they didn't do them and b) they didn't do them with good grace. The youngest are 21 now. Last weekend (Mothers Day), the two that live at home did a spring clean so that I didn't have to do anything on Mothers Day. They cooked for me too, all weekend. They muck in daily, cook, clean, washing etc. That's because at the age of six they were taught how to do things! YANBU, as others have said, you're teaching life skills. It's your house and you get to decide what happens there.

Bin bags are being deployed here today.

I’ve had DH at home this week as well so the whole house is like a bomb site. Apparently as he tidies after himself while he’s away he doesn’t need to do it at home.

Soooo bin bags for both DH (including work shite I know he needs) and the 6yo.

I teach Y1. They are fantastic at tidying up.