To take a stand against my 6 year old and DM

[crashbangwhallop]

Had a visitor this morning who had to look around our house. I spent this morning doing the manic pre visitor clean as always. Running around like a headless chicken with the bloody hoover, bleach down the loo, scoop the poop out of the cat litter so nobody thinks even my cats shit stinks.
I get to the bedrooms, my room just needs the bed made and a hoover and we’re okay. DS room looks like someone’s set a toy and paper bomb off in there... there’s lego everywhere, ripped up paper on the floor, underpants flung across the room and clean clothes pulled out of his closet to be left on the floor. I looked at it for about ten minutes before deciding he would be coming home from school and tidying his bloody mess up himself. I spent Sunday (Mother’s day of all days) cleaning his room and trying to organise his toys so that he could clear space for his birthday presents this weekend. No doubt it will just add to the ridiculous amount he has.
I worked really hard to clean it and organise it and at some point he has shat all over that hard work.
I told the guy who came over that I was sorry it was like it but DS would be tidying it this afternoon after school. He agreed with me.
After he was gone DM and DSis called together and have both told me IABU to think a 6 year old can put his own toys away. Apparently this is slave labour and I should be ashamed of myself. DM has a habit of spoiling DS rotten. The one time she has visited us she spent it doing his tidying for him because I asked him to put his toys away before he had dinner.

6 isn’t too young to be tidying your own mess up is it? I’m not asking him to get the hoover out or scrub the walls, just put his toys back in any of the bloody boxes he got them out of!

I say to my son that if he is old enough to know how to get the toys out of the box and play with them then he is old enough to know how to put them back inside the box again. He is 4. I also tell him that any toys left on the floor will be sucked up by the hoover and be gone forever. If he is slow to put things away at the end of the day, the TV goes off and I then threaten to take away story time before bed (it has never come to this yet). In the past few weeks I have also made it his job to take his clothes to the laundry basket after he has taken them off but before he gets into the bath. I also had some hooks put up under the stairs where he can reach so that each time he comes into the house, he can hang his own hat, coat, bag, shoes up etc. I wish I had done the last couple sooner as he is more than capable.

I don't mind him not making his own bed but my view is that all toys and dirty washing are cleared off the floor and put away.

He still has plastic plates and cups so I ask him to take them and put them into the sink after each meal is done too.

You are right and they are wrong - he is old enough to be doing basic tidying and they are not doing his development any favours by suggesting you do everything for him.

You can do what you want with your children but I would think it was mean to make a small child have to clean their whole room by themselves each day, they only get to be children for so long.
I tidy my kids rooms and they always happily and through their own choice decide to help me, that is majorly because I dont spend my life shouting at them or punishing for not doing it themselves, we put music on and do it together, its fun and its quicker.
We were meant to be taking DS's friend to soft play (both 4) a few weeks ago but his mum last minute text and said he wasnt allowed because he hadnt finished tidying his room, I cant understand how that sort of parenting will work, hes definately not going to willingly want to tidy his room now.

My son is 6 and always tidies up his toys before bed in his bedroom or downstairs so no there is nothing wrong with making a child tidy up there mess. Christ even my 27 month old tidies up her own toys. The cleaning part polishing, vaccing etc I do.

My 5 year old cleans his room properly once a week and during the week he makes sure there is no lego on the floor. I help him clean the lounge every night, as the toys there we have both played with.

I've got a 3 yr old and 4 yr old and thy always tidy there toys away when asked so 6 is definitely not to young

BarbarianMum my thoughts too. How can you stand in a doorway looking in surprise at the mess in your 6 year olds room. When mine were 6 I was in and out of their rooms. Do you wake him in the morning, read a story in bed at night, watch him play put clothes away etc . I just don't understand how you had no idea what happened between Sunday and Thursday .

To help as pp have said 6 year olds need small manageable instructions: put today's clothes in the washing basket, pick up 5 toys, pull your duvet straight etc. And a well done for doing so, so they want to in future.

I mentioned it to them thinking I would get a chorus of "Oh tell me about it! Aren't kids just the worst!" I was even expecting DM to tell me I was the same as a kid but instead she went off on one about how cruel I am and if I want him to tidy I should lead by example and tidy his room for him!
For the record, he does and has tidied his room before but recently asking him to do anything is like trying to get blood out of a stone at the minute. He's very stubborn and would rather be told off or lose his game time for a week than get a reward for doing anything good.
We have a reward chart for simple things like putting books away, brushing his teeth and getting dressed on time. I have to dust the cobwebs off the chart each time I manage to put a gold star on it right now.
I feel like he's 6 going on 16. He used to be lovely. Something has stolen my lovely little boy and turned him into a teenager well before his time :(

We started tidy up time before bedtime as soon as our 3 boys could walk.

Sorry going a bit against the grain here. He is only 6 so I would have tidied up with him and not expect him to do it completely himself. A 6 year old needs some guidance

My 6 year old cleaned my bathroom last night, his bedroom and this morning hoovered the whole house. He is a bit of an entrepeneur and likes to earn money by doing things. Try giving him an incentive. For the record he got 25 cents for the bathroom and 50 cents for this morning. Doesn't work for my 10 year old though unfortunately!

YANBU at all. You are raising a respectful self reliant boy rather than a little king who will be a complete pita when he grows up

I don't think children should be paid for helping keep their own home clean and tidy. That's just teaching them 'what's in it for me?' attitude.

and as for not noticing I tidied up on Sunday, noticed it was getting a little bit messy by tuesday but asked him to tidy his toys away twice this week before they got broken from being stepped on. Last night when he went to bed it was just toys. This morning it was an absolute tip. I suspect he had woken up early this morning, decided to play in his room for a bit before we got up and has gone on a bit of a rampage. It's a small room so it's not difficult to mess up quickly but at the same time that means it's also easier to clean.

It is a necessary part of being a parent to frustrate children sometimes, and to say no.

My DD has a checklist and has to go through it before she can relax in the evening. That includes making her own lunchbox, tidying up her uniform etc. She's had this since she was 7.
I still know she's still too young and that kids this age may have the attention span of a butterfly so I'm taking it easy on her.
I would have strong words with your DM but taking a stand against your 6!!! year old son? That just makes no sense and sounds way too cruel. You are his mother and you are supposed to be supportive of him, not judge and condemn him.

My 6 year old cleaned my bathroom last night, his bedroom and this morning hoovered the whole house. He is a bit of an entrepeneur and likes to earn money by doing things. Try giving him an incentive. For the record he got 25 cents for the bathroom and 50 cents for this morning.

Tried this. He has no clue about money and it's value yet though. Every time he has had a tooth fall out and he's got money from the tooth fairy he just plays with it and doesn't want to spend it. I would literally try anything at this point to have him clean the rest of the house but I'd settle for just his room at this point and actually doing as he was told when he is asked.

My DD has a checklist and has to go through it before she can relax in the evening
I suggested this this morning. I think it would help him see exactly what he has done and know when the task is completed he can feel good about it.

I do feel like I need to do something about him. Taking a stand isn't me shouting at him or standing outside his room with a sign saying "Rights for mums whos kids don't tidy their rooms!" and packing his bags and sending him to hell for not doing it.
I am planning on getting him home from school and marching him to his bedroom and telling him he has X amount of time to put his toys away and clean up the shredded paper though.

flobella Everything you wrote is what I agree with. We also say the hoover will come and suck the stray toys up and that always used to work. He also has the job of putting dirty clothes in the washing bin which is outside his bedroom door. He sometimes used to bring it up to me even though I hadn't asked him to and would say "this is getting full I thought you might need it".
Last night when I asked him to pick his dirty pants up off the floor and put them in the washing basket he huffed and puffed and had a tantrum before he would actually move the pants 30cms towards the basket and put them in it!

If he creates chaos and refuses or cannot tidy up and organise his toys I suggest that he has limited access to them. So he decides to play Lego, he is given his Lego but the other toys are out of reach or locked away.

When he can look after his things nicely and is willing to sort and tidy nicely then he gets to have more choice and access.

It’s not a punishment, just helping him to learn to be organised.

I think it very much depends on the child. Some 6 year olds are very well organised but many are not and need support to develop organisational skills. You should certainly expect him to tidy up, but accept that he may need help to achieve it. One of my DDs would have been completely overwhelmed by an untidy bedroom and needed me to prompt her with questions like ' what are you going to pick up first?' whilst her twin never let her room get untidy!

YANBU but YWBU to think that your 6 year old will react reasonably to being told to tidy up. Pick your battles and to an extent I would say DC need some autonomy over how much mess is tolerated in their own room.

My 6 year old needs constant prompting and close direction to tidy up after herself. Sometimes it is just not worth the pain.

I sometimes tidy up for my dc if they are tired or ill, the rest of the time I expect them to help!

The next thread will be about indulged entitled children!

Good habits start early.

Your bloody mother in law would have a fit if she saw (older) dc washing, cleaning, vacuuming and cooking eggs for supper. I am raising children that can care for themselves not parasites that can not cope with the smallest chore.

It was your dm not mil apologies

Neighbours at the end of the street can hear my effervescent rage when iv spent time helping dc sort their bedrooms to find it a tip a day later and.yes they tidy it up themselves (ages 4,6,9)

If my ds (nearly 6) refuses or whinges about tidying up his room, I just say nicely “No problem. I’ll just pop down and get a bin bag and scoop it all up and put it out for the binmen. They you won’t have any more tidying up to do.” Never fails to put a rocket up his arse.

I did have to actually go and get a bin bag out of the cupboard once though - but only the once.