MIL taking over

[Freya85]

I give my 1 year old small pieces of fruit, cheese ect to eat off her plate. Other things I would spoon feed her but generally I let her pick away. Mil doesn't like this and thinks she's going to choke. Now I get that if mil is minding her on her own the odd day she might feel more comfortable mashing and spoon feeding dd but what I don't get is when I was giving dd her dinner which was cut up tiny mil took it off her and went and mashed it then proceeded to spoon feed her. I was sitting beside DD at the table. DD wasn't struggling with the food at all and was happily eating it whilst we ate our dinner. My husband thinks it's just her way but I think it was plain rude. AIBU

*So the concern will be coming from a protective place, she just needs to get her knowledge up to date.

She isn't a mind reader.*

Even so she should trust that op, as the child's mother possibly cares a bit more than her about protecting her own child and shouldn't interfere with her feeding her own child.

I think that your MIL is doing what she did when your OH was a small child, things have changed, no need to go crazy about it. Just tell her, nicely, but firmly that your child is too old now to have mashed food and that it will help her teeth if she chews.
Old people love to hear about strong teeth.
Oh and don’t let her hover over your child when she’s eating, you sit near her and then you can see what’s happening. If she persists then a sit down chat is needed.

I used to smile and nod when I received parenting tips and comments from my MIL and then went ahead with how I wanted to do things. I didn't rate any of her tips and when I had my DC I researched different approaches and had a lot of peer support. It takes a lot of confidence and a very stubborn mind to ignore constant criticism. My DC have turned out very well, much better than hers did.

Just because she has had DC doesn't mean she did a good job of it or knows what she is talking about. If you think you are right and your decisions are based on research and good advice then carry on doing what you are doing. Smile, nod and carry on. I wouldn't have her undermining you in public either. I would have got up, walked over to her and took back the plate and carried on as I was. Why should she get away with undermining you in public and you have to sit there and suck it up. No, no and no.

If she insisted that it needed doing, just point out that advice has changed

I don't believe it was ever the advice that a toddlers food needed mashed.

Yes it was rude...she’s undermining you. It’s ok though...she will probably be doing it from a place of concern so treat it as such.

“It’s fine Debbie...dd can manage well and doesn’t need it to be mashed. She won’t choke. You don’t need to worry.”

If she persists...

“I know you’re concerned but there’s no need to be. I’m going to ask you kindly to leave her food alone. Thank you.”

She won’t like it but tough shit.

Even when I weaned my DDs over 20 years ago it was never recommended that you mash or puree foods for 1 year olds. At that age they should be learning to feed themselves. DD1 had no teeth at 12 months but was adept at feeding herself pieces of apple and toast fingers etc.

Don't allow MIL to overrule your parenting decisions.

I think just explain about weaning these days. It may be your mil feels responsible for whatever happens in her house , I know I do, or did she do it automatically bevause that's what she used to do?
I would just start a conversation about how great it is to follow BLW as its fresher, more natural , nutritious etc. And print something off. I know as a mil myself if I have cooked food and my gs is at my house, I feel very responsible from the safety aspect. It does show she cares but communication could have been better. I'd be really hurt though if my son or dil were rude/ nasty to me as I adore them and my gs and just feel worried about safety aspects sometimes ( falling out of bed, strait gates etc etc ). I leave them to it though and always check what they want me to do.

Agree it doesn't need to be mashed. I was usually careful about the meat being soft and cut well though.

1 year olds generally feed themselves.

"I don't believe it was ever the advice that a toddlers food needed mashed."

Sorry yes.

I hadn't noticed that Op's daughter is 1!

If she hadn’t put salt and pepper on hers by then I’d have taken her plate, removed enough for DD onto another plate for her, and replaced it with the mush.

Yanbu at all.
I struggled to be assertive in very similar situations.
All it would take is “we don’t mash dds food, she’s used to feeding herself so I’d rather stick with what she knows”.
Polite but firm.
Yet I always thought of this after the event as I was genuinely taken aback by a certain relatives meddling and overinvolvement when it came to Ds.
You have my sympathies.

Next time you have dinner with MIL, take her plate off her, mash all her food and give it back without uttering a word.

(Obviously I'm joking but just imagine the look on her face!)

Dm hated blw with DD. Convinced she would choke, wouldn't get enough, make too much mess etc. DS is 4m now and she's virtually counting the days until we start again for him in a couple of months!

I once caught my ex monster in law sucking chocolate and then taking it from her mouth and putting into my son's mouth when he was a baby. When we sat down to dinner that night I pulled her plate towards me and asked her if she needed a hand with it. She never did it again.

Be firm op.

How long has BLW been around? I don't remember it as a name but giving small piece of food alongside the sludge was standard recommendation when mine were babies (all well into their 20s now).

What happens when you say its recommended by HV etc that babies this age have small pieces whilst supervised?

I agree. Completely rude and undermining of her. My LO is due to start solids soon. Dreading the PIL when it starts, planning BLW and I know they won’t listen to me about it. Feeding has already been an issue, LO is EBF, they still don’t get it (they formula fed).

I’m curious, what did your OH say? Did you talk to them about it after?

I didn’t BLW so I have absolutely no bias in that direction. However, if your DD is picking up the food and feeding herself then it’s really something you try to encourage-the last thing you want is for her to refuse to feed herself (a problem I experienced with both my children and was a pain to resolve). Obviously one meal won’t make a difference. There is no reason why you should prevent her from doing this but it is extremely rude. The implication is that somehow she knows better or you aren’t keeping your baby safe. But it is not a reflection on you, it’s entirely a reflection in the kind of person your MIL is.

FHS, MIL did it once!
If is in her own house then she is probably shit scared that the child will choke. Cut her some slack.
She obviously loves your child to bits. Don’t ruin a relationship over something so unimportant.

No, MIL overruled the op in front of other family members. It is clear dd regularly eats in this manner and it is not her place to undermine the op in this way. Totally out of order.

I had all this with my mil until she was smacking my dd1 as well, just like happened to her when she was a child.

Just have a quiet word with her and say that you were not happy about being undermined in front of the rest of the family and these are your choices for your child.

At the end of the day it’s nothing, nothing, to do with her!!!

It doesn’t matter if your DH thinks it’s just “her way”, tough shit it’s nothing to do with her.

I would be livid if that were my MIL, and making a scene or not I would NOT let her take over. If you let her take over with this, there’s a lot more to come.

It’s NOTHING to do with her.

(Can you tell this is how my MIL behaves?!)

It's not even weaning at 1 is it? It's often somewhere between eating and messy play ,lots of apple and carrot sticks to chew on.

You have all totally stirred this up for this mother, her MIl has not smacked her DD, If it was a girlfriend that had mashed the food up, she would have laughed it off.
Leave the girl alone, she has, so far had a fairly good relationship with her MIL, ruin it and then see how they all get on.
Then you can all sit back, pleased with yourselves.

I agree, see this in context. I'm quite protective and probably hover over chairs etc when there is no need, but I'm an amazing grandparent at the same time. No ones perfect. Have a chat if it's a big deal but don't have a massive fuss over it. Some posters are so aggressive it's like MN doesn't reflect real life or we'd all be acting like we are in an episode of Eastenders.

I know you are weaning your DD but this is one of the reasons why I BF my babies until they were 1. I could go off on my own and do it and say I wanted some privacy when I got my boobs out. No one was "hovering over chairs" and and undermining me.