To ask you to help me explain to my wonderful friend how it feels to lose yourself as a mummy and wife. And how it feels, when time allows, to rediscover yourself...

[ferriswheel]

Just that...

And let’s face it. Nobody wants to be that friend who tells him it’s all fine and he’s paranoid and to just shut up and stay home with the kids if it turns out she IS banging the gym instructor.

Why are you getting involved?

She may or may not be having an affair. I'd be a bit weirded out if my husband's taste in music shifted dramatically.

Ok, so - he's actually confided in you that he's worried?

And you're friends with her as well? She might just be feeling happy and like she's got a spring in her step, unless she's given him cause for concern in other ways.

I havent time to read this right now bit OutComeTheWolves thank you, youve nailed it.

And hes a good friend, so is his wife. Its his wife that asked me to speak to him.

They are both lovely people who have asked for a bit of support and they trust me.

I hadnt expected the initial replies to my post. I thought there would be loads like wolves.

I was hoping to show my friend to give him an insight of how, when the dust settles, you make a bit of a point of getting yourself back.

If someone asked me to interfere in their marriage like that I would run like the wind. There is no possible way this can end well for you op. They heal their marriage: they'll band together against you (you saw it at its most vulnerable). They don't: your fault.

Seriously, back away.

And they asked me for my support because they know that when theyve dealt with this i wont keep on and on about it.

Mookatron, its fine. Honestly.

But i know what you mean, im getting divorced and can relate entirely to what you are saying.

I don't understand the sarcasm in the initial replies. It's bizarre. It may not be their experience as parents but it doesn't mean it is not for others. I know plenty of women both SAHM and working Mums who felt this way.

Our third child starts nursery in september and I am really looking forward to looking after myself a bit more. I have loved being busy with young children but DP works extremely hard so I have had no time to do exercise, choose clothes in shops etc. I see lots of women who visibly lighten when they start to have a bit more time and seeing that change in pace and chance to refocus on themselves is a joy.

I don't really know what you mean, OP, and I find the concept a bit alien tbh. I haven't ever feel that I'd lost myself in being a wife and mother. Sure, there were lots of demands on our time when dd was tiny, but dh experienced that too, so he wouldn't have needed it explaining to him. I never stopped being me, though.

I'm sorry that your friend feels this way and hope that she is able to work things out with her DH.

I do know what you mean, btw. But I think if he needs it to be explained by someone who isn't his wife, he's never going to get it. And I think you should keep out of it (which I think I put across ).

The man is a problem, he’s not listening to his wife and not respecting her or taking her needs into account but he will if someone else tells him.
I’d keep out of it or give her advice on how to talk to him.

Im going to sign out of this thread now. Thank you to those of you with positive posts.

Ah. Oh dear. That sounds a bit odd. I mean, why wouldn’t she just talk to him herself? Asking a friend to intervene with your husband like that is a very strange thing to do. Especially if your husband is a lovely person who she knows is a bit worried about her.

If that’s actually what happened, my money is bang on affair and she’s using you to soothe him because she knows your own situation would make you sympathetic to her.

Because, no offence OP, if she genuinely wanted to get through this situation with him, I really can’t see why she would ask for support from someone who’d sacked off her friend in the same situation. If she’s not having an affair, she certainly seems to be using you to help engineer an out for her marriage.

I think it’s really unfair on both you and him to have got you involved TBH.

*sacked off her husband

Good luck OP, but they were wrong to involve you in this discussion.

This is very odd. Surely there's more to this than her wearing makeup and buying new clothes? If her doing this is making him feel neglected, then he's either a control freak or it isn't the only thing that's making him feel neglected. I'm also not sure how asking her friend who is in the process of going through a divorce to explain that she also felt like this is going to help...