To ask you to help me explain to my wonderful friend how it feels to lose yourself as a mummy and wife. And how it feels, when time allows, to rediscover yourself...

[ferriswheel]

Just that...

What is the context?

Why do you want to explain?

What do you hope to gain?

I think people overthink things a lot on here.

How do you feel OP?

I want my friend to understand why his wife is prioritising herself where she would have previously prioritised her family.

That taking time for make up, new clothes and music is not a reflection on her seeking a life withour him, rather just her finding time for herself.

This is not a reverse or a 'my friend' it is what i say it is.

Ok, from your thread title I assumed you were explaining this to a woman who you thought was going through it! Your clarification makes a lot more sense...!

Putting make up on, wearing new clothes and listening/ being interested in music is not prioritising yourself over your family.
Your friend sounds as if he has a sexist attitude to women and is a control freak if he expects his wife not have any interests except for the family.
Caring for yourself and having hobbies etc and caring for your family are not mutually exclusive. in fact making time for yourself means you are more likely to have the energy and enthusiasm to make time/focus on your family.

Probably best to have a sick bag in case he throws up when you say this.

Couldn't possibly explain that since I don't recognise your descriptions. Why are you interfering in somone elses marriage anyway?

Mummy?

How do you know? Really? She could be having an affair. She could have decided her life is stale and boring and she is preparing to LTB?

Caring for yourself and having hobbies etc and caring for your family are not mutually exclusive.

If women come on here and say their DH is suddenly and uncharacteristically interested in their appearance and has thrown themselves into a new hobby everyone says ‘affair’.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a dick . Why does he need it laid out to him by some randoms on the internet? Why does his wife have to have justification for wearing make up or taking an interest in music?
Tell him get his shit together, go home and help his family and stop crying on your shoulder about how hard done by he is.

I never actually lost myself as a mummy and wife in the first place so I haven't required rediscovering .

Other than that I'm curious about what makes your friend so "wonderful"?

I lost my purse last week so I can imagine how awful it must be to lose yourself ...

sounds like she's having an affair. Big 'red flags'

Rather than doing that, why not tell your wonderful friend what a betrayal it is to his wife to whine behind her back because she want a to look after herself.

What do you mean taking time for music?

And why would her partner have concerns about make up or clothing? Is she expected to wear the same clothes all of her life?
Be more of a concern if she lost interest in her appearance or hobbies.

Are you writing an article?

Just tell him that he's being clingy and insecure and she's making herself feel good with Mr Jones from number 42

It's interesting that you've got to quiche a few sarcastic replies because this is exactly how I'm feeling at the minute although I'm 99% sure that your friend isn't my dh!

To sum it up I'd say I don't look like me because after just giving birth to my fourth, I can't fit into the clothes I like.
I'm too skint to do the things I enjoy such as traveling or going to gigs.
I never have time to read the books that interest me or to listen to a full album.
Even my personality seems to be hidden beneath this knackered harridan who gives a shit about housework and the bin men missing bin collection day.

I'm currently in the process of getting back to being me because I think I deserve it but also because my family deserve it - I'm a right laugh when I'm not shattered and stressed about money and over flowing rubbish bins! Luckily my dh understands that it's not about prioritising one person over another, just finding a balance that suits our family.

Outcomethewolves has got it bang on

You DO lose yourself a bit in that first year, being mum takes over and it can be a bit of a journey back to the person you were before parenthood. I didn't properly start feeling like myself, going out, doing my hobbies etc until my son was 18 months.

Often he isn't.

What's this got to do with you OP?

I think I get this. After 11 months of concentrating on DS, he's becoming more independant of me so I am now starting to feel a bit more like me again. My body shape is now different, so I have bought sone new clothes and I also feel now is thr time for a make up overhaul. Difference is, my DH is completely understanding and helping facilitate wherever possible.

Rather than doing that, why not tell your wonderful friend what a betrayal it is to his wife to whine behind her back because she want a to look after herself.

Ahem. On a site full of women whining about their husband for doing the same thing.

In all seriousness though OP. You are slightly jumping to conclusions (projecting?) about what is going on here.

If this was a friend of mine, I would be asking about what else is going on and why it worries him.

There could be a few things. Firstly, it might be a sign that she is feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in her marriage, that she’s finding it bored and stale and needs an outlet. If that’s the case he needs to talk to her to work out how they can make things better for her. He might be happy, but she might not be and no longer be satisfied sitting at home. If that’s the case he might need to buck his ideas up about how they live their life if he wants them to stay together.

Is she secretive about her phone or spending a lot of time on social media and messaging? Is he being included in this new hobby or does it involve her going to ‘gigs’ to which he is not invited? Does she get dolled up just when going to one place so it is a particular person she’s seeing? Is she mentioning a colleague or friend over frequently? If that’s the case it could be an affair.

He’s not wrong to question a big change in his partners behaviour and why it is happening. It could be a sign of general dissatisfaction with how life is at the moment that they need to address. I think most of us know are at least one women who gets fed up with a husband who wants to stay home in front of the TV every night in his tracksuit. Or it could be more sinister. I don’t blame him for wanting to find out why. But he needs to find that out off her rather than listening to guesswork.

*woman