Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For DH to react like this ?

60 replies

Tiredpom · 14/03/2018 20:30

DH is away with work, he is notoriously hard to get hold off when he is away. Goes off radar, which he knows upsets me. No reason for it, no remote location anything like that. Last night he was out with a mutual friend. We had be texting a bit through the day in a light hearted manner, oh will I get to speak to you tonight etc. As I hadn't heard from him. Got to midnight, still nothing - so asked was he still out. Got a curt yip response back. I replied, 'oh lol ! That's late for a school night ?!?!' He then flew off the handle, 'jeez .... I'll remember that when you are out with work next time' and sent me a picture of the hotel room. So I called him, to ask why he was being a dick ! And he was just ranting and raving. Accusing me of just calling to have a go, that it's ok for me to go out with work with a bunch of Coke heads etc. (once was at work function where there was Coke flying about, this was last year - I told him because I thought it was amusing) Bringing up a time I had too much to drink at a party last year ...... He was just ranting and being aggressive, denying he was pissed and generally not wanting to tell me where he'd been. So I said right I've had enough, I'll look forward to an apology in the morning and hung up. Woken up this morning, radio silence. Even tho. His working day has started. I'm upset, so I sent him a text ...... 'hey, not sure what last night was all about. But I'm upset - can you call?' Again nothing ..... tempted to text my friend and ask what time her other half rolled in (who he was out with) as something's not adding up. Is he being a dick or AIBU for wanting to know my husband got home safe ?

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 14/03/2018 21:21

Honest question and not being goady.
How come when a man doesn't want to give updates on where he is, he clearly must be hiding something.
But yet when a woman posts about how her partner wants to know where she is he's controlling and possibly even abusive.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/03/2018 21:22

Why are you still doing this to yourself?

You know what kind of man he is. A liar and almost certainly a cheat. You wont get the proof you think you need in order to justify a divorce, so stop waiting for it. You can just say "You treat me like shit, I have had enough, I am getting a divorce" Note "Getting" not "asking for", he doesnt have to agree.

How long are you going to take this before you finally accept that he will never ever change?

Moonshinewithelvis · 14/03/2018 21:23

He was out with a friend for the evening and then maybe wanted to relax in his room before bed but instead he got a nagging partner on at him. Surely you could of wished him to have a good night and you would speak to him the next day?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/03/2018 21:24

What’s the back story with this?

VladmirsPoutine · 14/03/2018 21:30

I haven't read your previous threads so not sure if this is another chicken/egg situation. i.e. Does him going "off the radar" lead you to become paranoid and anxious, or is it your paranoia and anxiety that leads him to "go off the radar".

Whatever it is, it's certainly unhealthy and no way to live.

wentmadinthecountry · 14/03/2018 21:32

My dh has worked away, off and on, for years. You need to trust each other and act like grown ups. It all seems a bit nothingy to me.

Eastie77 · 14/03/2018 21:35

@KungFuPandaWorksOut16 - completely agree. It's like a parallel universe on MN sometimes with one set of rules for men and a different set for women.

That said, OP's DH sounded like a complete arse on the last thread and I don't understand why she put up with all the nonsense with him not telling her which country he is in.

OP - I seem to remember that last thread kind of ended with your DH saying he was just exhausted/fed up with all the travelling and he had some excuses for his secretive behaviour which you seemed to accept. But here you are again, checking up on him and contemplating sending messages to your friend to find out what time he went back to the hotel. So clearly you are not happy with this situation (and who would be, it's bloody bizarre) and I don't understand why you are still with this bold faced liar.

By the way, it was a bit odd sending you a picture of a hotel room. Are you sure it wasn't just a generic downloaded image? He could be staying anywhere.

CotswoldStrife · 14/03/2018 21:35

I don't think I've read the threads that other posters are referring to, but why did you text and then call him at midnight?! Honestly, I'd stop texting him for now.

Daffodillia · 14/03/2018 21:40

tisthe I’m in a normal loving relationship with a dh who works away regularly and we don’t chat every night before bed.
We do email often, but not every day.

My 1st thought from your op is that you would be a pita, and sound quite needy. But then from what other posters are saying, maybe there’s a reason you’re being like that?

I trust my dh, so I don’t feel the need to constantly be in contact with him.

DenPerry · 14/03/2018 21:41

You sound a bit intense.

HolyShmoly · 14/03/2018 21:45

DH goes away with work weekly, he's away at the moment. He's also shit with being in contact as he won't notice his phone. I know that's not just me though, his friends complain about him too. So that bit doesn't ring alarm bells for me.
But his reaction is disproportionate. He's deflecting and on the defensive. I haven't seen the other threads pps have mentioned, but his reaction alone would worry me. It would make me think that either you are constantly hounding him to know where he is at all times, or he is hiding something. Either way you need to sort out your communication.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/03/2018 21:48

Can’t find this mystery other thread?

Jux · 14/03/2018 21:49

You either trust him or you don't. If you do, then you know that he will phone you when he can/when he wants to (and that he will want to).

Why do you have to be in constant contact? Are you so uncertain of yourself that you actually have to keep checking up on him to ensure you're not forgotten? It really does read like that - will you phone me tonight? when will you have finished having a good time without me? how could you go to bed without speaking to me? why are you doing things I'm not involved in? and on and on and on.

DoJo · 14/03/2018 21:50

By remote location do you mean expecting him to let you track his location by phone? And it upsets you he won’t do that?

I assumed the OP meant that he's not somewhere with no phone reception/internet/electricity etc, not that she wants to digitally stalk him!

PlasticWatch · 14/03/2018 21:51

Ditch him he's not worth the hurt and worry.

ToffeeUp · 14/03/2018 21:51

The other thread was in 30 days so has gone now but from what I remember the husband works abroad a lot and more or less disappears off the radar. When OP was rushed to the hospital it took him 2 days to show up and he was only a couple of hours away. He is always on his phone when home and OP does everything in the house. He took of his wedding ring before going away and put it back on when back without a word, OP sent him a text or email about it but he never replied. OP found a phone in the lining of his case which apparently was for his son. OP found a condom wrapper in their bedroom and he blamed the workmen, wrapper disappeared from the bin.

Basically OP is sometimes happy but mostly sad in this relationship.

HolyShmoly · 14/03/2018 21:55

I assumed 'remote location' meant that he's not out in the arse end of nowhere with no signal.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 14/03/2018 21:56

OP please. You are not happy in this relationship. Please please please see some sense.

Jenasaurus · 14/03/2018 21:58

If your unhappy more than your happy in this relationship and its clear he wont change then there is only one answer Op.

ClareFoy · 14/03/2018 22:03

Good post pyong

My DH worked away for years, off and on. He always rang last thing at night to speak to me. Until the time he didn’t. Turns out he was sharing a roomHmm with Secretary or account manager or whatever the fuck she called herself.

As someone said previously, either he was out or he was in his hotel room, which he’d shown you a picture of. —which he definitely hadn’t taken earlier, oh no.—

Ex DH I should have said.

NoKnownFather · 14/03/2018 22:05

Oh OP he's at it again? Leopards rarely change their spots, sorry. Are you OK?

ClareFoy · 14/03/2018 22:09

Strike through failBlush

For some people, it takes a great deal of courage to end it, even when the truth is staring you in the face.
Which sadly it is.

FlashTheSloth · 14/03/2018 22:12

Going purely from this thread, YABU OP. You were looking for an argument.

Motoko · 14/03/2018 22:35

You had good advice in your last thread OP. He's not going to change. Did he give his son that phone, or has he still got it?

Original poster
Tiredpom · 15/03/2018 08:50

He apologies for being a knob. His words

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.