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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go NC with sister

29 replies

Unforgiving2 · 14/03/2018 19:54

Around a month ago, I was visiting my OAP parents when my sister arrived with her adult son. The adult son seemed out of it, he said he had a migraine and went upstairs to lay down.

An hour or so later my 3 year old needed the toilet and went upstairs to go, almost 4 and fine to take themselves. I then heard shouting from my nephew, and my child was crying. I went upstairs to find nephew shouting that my son had woken him and he was so angry he punched a hole in the wall and kicked the door in, he threatened me and my child with violence. I was totally overwhelmed and upset and scared and took my.young child out of the situation immediately. My sister later told me migraines can cause these angry reactions. I have not seen my nephew since or my sister but that is normal for us.

Today my mum told me that my nephew is a drug addict and that on that day my nephew was high on drugs. My sister bought him into the home of two oaps and a young child to show my parents how bad he is. After we left she took my parents upstairs and explained he was high and an addict. I realise she was desperate but am so angry that she allowed my young child to be upstairs alone with him. He is a 6foot odd strong man, he was high and disoriented and violent - he could have hurt my child badly or worse. If he had hit out at my parents? At the time my nephew did not live with her. She could have taken him to him own home. She put many vulnerable people at risk and I feel she compromised the safety of my child. I am so angry I feel like I want nothing to do with any of them again. Aibu to.completely go NC?

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 14/03/2018 19:58

Your nephew is an adult, maybe he's the one you shouldn't be having contact with?

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/03/2018 20:01

Did your sister know you would be there with your child when she came round?

It sounds like a horrible situation and I can completely understand why you are upset. I can also imagine that your sister must be out of her mind with worry about her son and bringing him to your mum could have been spur of the moment and an act of desperation. That said, she should not have put your child at risk.

StillMe1 · 14/03/2018 20:23

Are you meaning that you would go NC with your parents?
I think as said by PP your sister is worried sick. The Nephew is her child!

Your parents were not at fault here but sister should have made sure your 3/4 year old was not alone with a violent drug addict, a situation which was known to her. Perhaps not known to the parents though.
OAP parents were also in a vulnerable position.

Original poster
Unforgiving2 · 14/03/2018 20:25

I don't know if she knew we would be there, bit they stayed knowing we were there and she knew my child was going upstairs to the toilet so would be upstairs alone with him. I'm devastated for my nephew and sister, I adore them both normally but I feel so betrayed and angry and upset and I feel like my sister totally left my child in a very scary and vulnerable position and has not even acknowledged it let alone apologised.

OP posts:
ilovegin112 · 14/03/2018 20:26

I’m thinking that your sister will probably need more support from family than ever, have your parents dismissed her fears about your nephew?? I maybe wrong in thinking this maybe your not close anyway but I couldn’t imagine my sister not talking to me about something like that

Original poster
Unforgiving2 · 14/03/2018 20:27

Not upset with parents at all, and angry on their behalf too. They had no idea until after I left...

OP posts:
Original poster
Unforgiving2 · 14/03/2018 20:29

My parents have paid his drug debts to get him out of trouble and been supportive. My sister wants them to take nephew but they are oaps themselves...

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 14/03/2018 20:40

Your DSis is BVU. It shouldn’t be up to your parents to bail out their grandson or take him in. She may well be desperate but he needs proper help. I wouldn’t say necessarily go NC with her but I’d be having many sharp words about endangering a child.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/03/2018 20:44

As you've asked I wouldn't go nc. Yanbu to feel how you do but as pp have said she'll be out of her mind. Give it a bit more time and then broach and say that a situation like that must never be able to arise again - either with your child or parents. Flowers

Original poster
Unforgiving2 · 14/03/2018 20:45

This sounds ridiculous, but she is very aggressive and I can't have sharp words as she will be nasty. She is a difficult person to confront...

OP posts:
StillMe1 · 14/03/2018 21:09

Perhaps your sister's nature did not help your nephew to make good choices in life. If you as a relatively young and presumably healthy person is scared by your sister, perhaps your parents are also wary of not complying with your sister's wishes. OAPs should not have to take care of drug addicted grandchildren especially violent ones.
Assist parents to make good decisions for them. You will only worry about parents if nephew stays there

Gemini69 · 14/03/2018 21:11

why did your Parents need to 'see' how bad he is on drugs... I'm confused as to why this was a necessary scene ? Flowers

ShawshanksRedemption · 14/03/2018 21:23

If your sister is aggressive that may explain why her nephew is too! I know you said drugs etc, but if how your sister behaves is what your nephew thinks is acceptable behaviour, then it doesn't sound very positive.

I hope your parents don't feel pressured to take the nephew on.

I don't think the words need to be sharp with your sister, just factual. Your nephews reaction was extreme and could have put your DS at risk.

ScattyCharly · 14/03/2018 21:33

I disagree.

Now that you know that nephew is dangerous, you can either avoid situations where you and your 3yo are with him or you can keep the 3yo with you at all times in their presence.

I imagine your sister and your parents are going through hell. Speaking sharply to any of them or cutting contact with your sister seems a bit mean.

There has been no harm. Your sister made a stupid decision not to state that nephew was high/to have nephew around a 3yo. But she's clearly desperate and no harm was done.

It sounds like you really don't like your sister. Otherwise you would be feeling desperately sorry for her instead of seeking approval to cut her off. It's up to you of course either way.

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 14/03/2018 21:35

Your sister did not give a shit about the safety of your dc. She did not even care about you or dps.

Like pp said, what was the fucking point of that exercise? Drugs are bad (we know); He takes drugs (we believe you).

Wtf

Booboobooboo84 · 14/03/2018 21:46

Your poor ds and what a shock for you and your dps.

I think letting it go would be best in this instance purely for the benefit of your parents. That doesn’t mean you don’t amend your behaviour around her. Your dc should certainly not have to be in your dn presence. And I wouldn’t trust him with your ds either.

Your dps however need your support because if they want to say no they will need your moral support

TemptressofWaikiki · 14/03/2018 21:50

Personally, I would go NC with a sibling if they put my child at such risk.

bonnyshide · 14/03/2018 22:00

I think your sister needs your support right now, she is obviously going through hell.

Certainly mention it to her, as she did make a mistake. But why would you go NC with her when she needs you the most.

MrsCrabbyTree · 14/03/2018 22:35

I don't understand why your sister had to make a point about her son to your parents. They know their GS uses drugs. To me that sounds like an excuse she made up on the spot when your DC was abused and scared by her son. She doesn't come across as responsible or caring at all. She should have given you a heads up when your DC needed to the toilet and was going upstairs alone.

I wouldn't go NC but I would not socialise with her or her son until an apology is forthcoming. How do your parents feel about this? Do they understand why you are upset?

5plusMeAndHim · 15/03/2018 01:28

I suppose they all thought he was asleep.he obviously wasn't making a noise when she we t up there. You are obviously protective of your child but your sister is the one who needs help and support not you.

5plusMeAndHim · 15/03/2018 01:32

Hang on just reread it YOU knew the DN was upstairs YOU saw him arrive and what state he was in.All of you thought he was hasleep upstairs

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 15/03/2018 06:24

Yes 5plus, she thought it was someone with a headache. Her sister knew he was strung out on drugs.

It let my dc be near someone with a headache, not someone off their head.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/03/2018 06:37

That’s a slightly dramatic reaction OP

You must have a back story

I would say a more appropriate action would be to call her and find out what’s going on first and then state your case

emmyrose2000 · 15/03/2018 10:30

Personally, I would go NC with a sibling if they put my child at such risk

Ditto.

LoopyLoo92 · 15/03/2018 10:42

I had a sibling who was violent to others in the family (elderly gp, siblings) and insulted my dc so I went NC.... I couldn't risk them ever being in a position to become violent to my dc, and tbh insulting a 3 yr old and a baby not even born was out of order.

Your ds knew her son was in a state where he could be violent.... she knew your dc was going upstairs and would be alone with violent son, she didnt say anything, or offer to accompany your dc to ensure VS wasnt woken up. It seems she thinks nothing of anyone but herself and maybe her VS...she didnt care if harm came to your dc, you or your parents. I would go NC until she can prove he is no longer a risk, and they both apologise.