AIBU to not want to support my sister?

[sinofrench]

About five years ago, I had a huge falling out with my mum, the biggest fall out we ever had. It left us both feeling angry, hurt and quite confused. My mum lives down south, and us up north and it can be difficult when she is with my DC and it comes to discipline as they don’t often see her. This was the main cause of the argument. We tried to sort things out while she was here and it seemed the steam had settled but after Mum got back to her own home, i received quite a callous letter from her, basically saying she thought I was dispicable to her and she didn’t want to speak to me. I was extremely hurt and shocked. My brother had been staying with us at the time and he felt that Mum was being unreasonable and was surprised too to hear of the letter. The next thing I knew, my sister unfriended me on fb. And then I got an angry phone call from my Dad about it(they haven’t been together for 25 years and Mum still hates him). My sister had told him how ‘nasty’ I’d been and we subsequently fell out. I would have hoped my little sister would have called me to discuss/support/help the both of us but instead it was like an opportunity to berate me. So anyway a year down the line, Mum and I finally make up, discuss, explain, listen etc and are now close as ever. However, I no longer speak to my sister now. I simply have lost all trust in her as well as any love. I can’t find it in my heart to forgive and forget. As far as I know she is not apologetic in any way and doesn’t feel she’s done any wrong. Now she has a daughter (who we communicate with) and she’s had ongoing issues and troubles with her ex. She’s asked for support from me since but I’ve respectfully declined. Now she’s had other lot of trouble with her ex and daughter and my mum has again asked me to support her. I don’t feel I can and can’t help think this is a ruse for me to speak to her again without her having to apologise. Should I support her when she stabbed me in the back not so long ago? I know it may sound petty to some and I should forgive and forget (we once had a very good/close relationship) but I can’t have a relationship with someone I don’t trust! What do I say to Mum without sounding ‘callous’?

I’d tell you’re mother that whilst you’re sorry to hear of her troubles, you do not wish to become involved in her issues without her explicit request.

She may after all not even want your help.

I wouldn’t involve myself in such circumstances. I’d also be very careful what you say to your mother as your sister responded to whatever your mother told her. Your sister must have felt justified in her reaction to how your mother told her you behaved.

She could have supported you and the rest of your family by smoothing and being a something of a peacemaker between you and your mum but instead did quite the opposite and made things worse. Until she acknowledges that and apologises I wouldn't be offering her anything.

As an aside, they all sound bloody exhausting.

No, it's not petty. It's reality. You thought you were close- the kind of sisters who would, indeed, help and support one another.

Then she showed you in glorious technicolor that you couldn't be more wrong. That she did not think like that and that you did not have that relationship.

And that's now the way it is. It's not about 'forgiving'. She demonstrated that you were not close. That's done now. It can't be rubbed out. A better reply to your mum would be astonishment-

'What? How can I be the one to help her? She showed what she thought of me and our relationship back then sadly, so I'm no longer in a position where I can help- it's close friends she needs now, not people she despises. Or are you calling her a hypocrite, mum- the kind of person who stabs someone in the back when she's on a roll, then expects love and assistance when she's in trouble? Even though we are no longer sisterly, I would have thought she'd have more dignity- so I'm sure you're wrong, mum. She won't want help from me and I'm not able to give it anyway. Call her real friends- that's what they're there for, right?'

Did your sister contacted you directly and asked for support or was it done through your Mum?

Your sister mad her choice all those years ago, you're making yours now.

It was nothing to do with your sister then, it is nothing to do with your mother now.

It sounds like your family picks sides and that's not good. Do you think your mother will pick sides now?

Does your mother realise the trouble she caused? That you not speaking to your sister was her fault? If I was your mother and you said to me that I didn't want to have a relationship with my sister because of the trouble she caused when we had that row all those years ago... I would shut up out of embarrassment.

mad = made!

Thank you for taking the time to read my long thread. Yes my family can be exhausting! I'm not sure if my sister has asked for support through my mother or not but your replies have giving me some relief in how I'm feeling about the whole affair! I can now use some of your suggestions to make an appropriate reply without feeling unreasonable.

You fell out, seperately, with your mum, your sister and your dad? Do you think there is anything in the fact that you are the common denominator?

^^ What Thora said.

Yes @thora, I did think that at the time but I also felt the issue was between my Mum and I and no one else. Everyone (except my brother) seemed to just give their tuppence worth and like others said on the thread chose to make matters worse rather than placate the situation.

sinofrench, a lot of people on here think that you should just give the OP the advice they want to hear. And there are also people who advice to go nuclear just because they think it’s entertaining.

It’s usually really fucking shit advice that is totally unconstructive.

You had an argument. Both of you think you are right. You disagreed with each other. Neither of you want to apologise. It sounds like it was over something pretty inconsequential.

You can send her some of the shitty things that have been suggested upthread which will probably finish your relationship for good and your sister would be justifiably upset.

Or you can agree to differ, put it behind you and try and rebuild your relationship. You might not feel you are ready to jump back in with active support. But you could wish her well and open the door to contact.

Staying NC creates festering resentment and difficulties over decades and this really doesn’t sound serious enough to justify it. If you start to rebuild there will be a period of awkwardness and then it will start to get better.

Clearly your sister thinks you behaved badly. She doesn’t want to apologise and you are demanding she does. But it doesn’t sound like you’ve apologised to anybody for your role in the argument. That does make you sound rather difficult and intractable. Agreeing that you can forget it and put it behind you is much more constructive than demanding an apology.

You and DM - the instigators of the big fall out, are now besties. Hmmm very nice. But your DSis, incidental to the fall out is now the evil one you won’t give time to..... what a bunch.

Fair point @Eltonjohn. I have been considering this. I'll admit to be being quite stubborn. I do choose not to have close relations with people I don't trust (relative or not) and my sister is the only one in the family I haven't made amends with. I would like to move forward eventually. I've replied to my Mum to express how I feel and have said my sister can contact me for any advice if she wishes for the sake of my niece.

Why do you think you shouldn’t trust her? You should mistrust ‘yes people’ who always tell you what you want to hear. Because we’re all in the wrong sometimes and we all behave badly sometimes. I think the fact your sister was honest with you and told you she disagrees probably means she’s trustworthy more than anything else.

People who love you don’t have to love everything you do or think you’re perfect. If they don’t it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Sometimes it’s only the people close to you who can tell you difficult things you need to hear.

Have you considered the possibility that your sister did the right thing rather than stab you in the back? Or at least that she involved your dad and unfriended you with good intentions?

If you were a dick to your mum, as it seems various members of your family believed, then maybe she wanted to shock you out of it to make you realise that you are responsible for making up with your mum: it wasn't mum the bad guy and you the good guy.

Could it be that you should talk to your sister about why she thought getting others involved was the best thing to do. She may have been trying to be good not evil. She might be waiting for your apology / explanation.

It sounds like your Mother is trying to "manage" you both and the situation.

Mine tried this numerous times with my sister and me, her last failed attempt was when my sister who is a well known liar about health problems, claimed to have cancer. A close friend's daughter actually had 4th stage cancer at the time so it did not have the desired effect.

Turned out my sister didn't have cancer, surprise, surprise, and my Mom felt stupid afterwards.

I handled it mostly just by avoiding talking to my Mom and changing the subject since she just glossed over me directly saying I didn't believe my sister and didn't want to talk to her.

For years we've had these f**ed up family dynamics.

Just when you think you've got an idea of what's going on and are managing then something else happens and it all kicks off again.

I've been the 'bigger person' several times and whilst it's got everyone talking again it has a huge negative impact on me. I've felt like a right mug that gets walked all over.

I think you have to stand up for yourself. If a child does something wrong then they shouldn't get away with it. Adults should not get away with acting like dicks.

I keep my relationships with family members separate. If my brother falls out with my parents then they need to deal with it. I won't get involved. If they try to drag me into it then I keep my distance. If my parents have an argument then I will not referee. I won't be forced to pick a side. I will not be involved.

It is not up to me to sort out their disagreements.

Some members of the family try to escalate minor disagreements. I'm now more aware of the dynamics. I know who tries to help and who tries to hinder.

I agree @eltonjohn. That is how I made amends with my Mum and Dad because we listened to each other with understanding. Unfortunately, my sister chose not to do this. She may have felt honest about my behaviour but to fuel the fire with my parents without hearing me out doesn't sound like 'love' or trustworthiness to me.

So, you've made up with your Mum, who behaved badly, sent you a nasty letter, and bad-mouthed you seriously enough to her other daughter that she unfriended you and involved your dad to defend a woman he is divorced from. But you can't make up with your sister, who simply reacted to some kind of story she was told?

I think your Mum should be ashamed of the mess and drama she created 5 years ago. Perhaps she is, which is why she wants you to make up with your sister.

In 50 years time, will the sacrifice of the relationship with your sister still feel worth it? Was her behaviour so bad that she deserves not to know your children, her neices or nephews, or their children in time? Or you hers?

Only you can answer that. On your death bed, will you regret cutting her off over something that wasn't her doing, or not?

I think you should forgive your sister, make up and support her. She is your sister after all and it would be a really good thing to do. How would you feel if something bad happened to your sister and it was too late to make up?

Gosh @paranoid, do we have the same family?? I had very similar experiences, getting dragged into other's fallouts and now I've made it clear that I won't get involved (unless there are innocent children in the firing line!) My family can be pretty toxic at times (myself included) but ultimately all want the same thing - to be happy. Very frustrating. I think I'm more aware of the dynamics you speak of but it's too easy to make assumptions. Thankfully, the dynamics within my own immediate family - children and ex are all pretty good. We know the dangers and always work things out between us.

I think you need to have an honest talk with your sister and tell her you were very hurt by her actions in the past and you need to get that sorted out before you can think about supporting her.
You have made up with your mum and I think what she did was worse. So if you can talk things over with your sister maybe you will be able to resolve things. Blood is thicker than water and she needs your help now. Maybe as a mum herself now she will have more understanding of what happened and understand your point of view better. So I would try to contact her and have a talk.

Counselling really helped me recognise what was going on. We picked apart every PA letter, phone call and family melt-down. I couldn't have done it alone.

We identified very poor boundaries. I was very surprised by how my eagerness to sort everything out was letting people treat me very badly. I needed to be angry but I didn't understand where my anger was coming from. I was too busy trying to take care of everyone. I was over involved.

I am still under a lot of pressure to sort out other people's problems. My dad will almost purposely upset my mum then expect me to sort out the fallout. I turned around a few years ago and called him out on it.

Your sister was clearly told a pretty damning version of events. Either this was true - in which case you can probably understand why she did what she did. Or the alternative is that presumably your mother gave a warped account to her.

If it's the latter - given that you have made up with your mother - perhaps it would be fairer to also cut your sister some slack. Nothing to stop you saying to her 'I was really hurt by x, y and z... however hopefully we can start to put this behind us and I would like to be able to give you some support'

Doesn't mean you have to do anything beyond what you're happy to do.

Can't see how you could ake up with your mu but not your sister tbh.