AIBU to not want to support my sister?

[sinofrench]

About five years ago, I had a huge falling out with my mum, the biggest fall out we ever had. It left us both feeling angry, hurt and quite confused. My mum lives down south, and us up north and it can be difficult when she is with my DC and it comes to discipline as they don’t often see her. This was the main cause of the argument. We tried to sort things out while she was here and it seemed the steam had settled but after Mum got back to her own home, i received quite a callous letter from her, basically saying she thought I was dispicable to her and she didn’t want to speak to me. I was extremely hurt and shocked. My brother had been staying with us at the time and he felt that Mum was being unreasonable and was surprised too to hear of the letter. The next thing I knew, my sister unfriended me on fb. And then I got an angry phone call from my Dad about it(they haven’t been together for 25 years and Mum still hates him). My sister had told him how ‘nasty’ I’d been and we subsequently fell out. I would have hoped my little sister would have called me to discuss/support/help the both of us but instead it was like an opportunity to berate me. So anyway a year down the line, Mum and I finally make up, discuss, explain, listen etc and are now close as ever. However, I no longer speak to my sister now. I simply have lost all trust in her as well as any love. I can’t find it in my heart to forgive and forget. As far as I know she is not apologetic in any way and doesn’t feel she’s done any wrong. Now she has a daughter (who we communicate with) and she’s had ongoing issues and troubles with her ex. She’s asked for support from me since but I’ve respectfully declined. Now she’s had other lot of trouble with her ex and daughter and my mum has again asked me to support her. I don’t feel I can and can’t help think this is a ruse for me to speak to her again without her having to apologise. Should I support her when she stabbed me in the back not so long ago? I know it may sound petty to some and I should forgive and forget (we once had a very good/close relationship) but I can’t have a relationship with someone I don’t trust! What do I say to Mum without sounding ‘callous’?

There is a lot of jealousy in our family. It almost seems like my parents and grandparents, seem to purposely cultivate it.

One of the main trouble-causers seems very jealous about inheritance and education and housing. We have to really watch what we say to them as it will get twisted and used against us. I am lucky to have a close relationship with one of my siblings and she can keep me grounded.

I've always got on very well with one of my siblings. When we fell out several years ago it seemed everyone got stuck in and tried to sabotage our close relationship.

I was told a very warped version of what my sibling was supposedly telling everyone else. It was between us yet they'd confided with a family member and suddenly everyone was badmouthing me to everyone else.

Luckily, I kept relatively calm and talked to my sibling (after totally badmouthing her to a friend!). We sorted it out between us and were able to recognise how 'helpful' other family members had been. We now can mostly recognise the shit stirrers.

There is jealousy of the close relationship we have. We back each other up and keep each other sane. It does seem to make us a target sometimes.

I think the main point is that the OP trusted her sister to stay out of the argument between the OP and her mum. The sister broke that trust by getting involved, instead of letting the OP and her mum work things out among themselves.

TBH, it may not be the best thing for many, but if you base your relationships/friendships on trust, then if you find that you can't trust someone you thought you could, you need to move on with your life.

Life is full of regrets, the difference is whether you can live with those regrets or not. People are still people, no matter if they are related or not. Sometimes it's better for you and your own family to leave these people behind. Ask yourself this: What does your mum and sister bring to your life? If it's kindness, respect and decency, then you could possibly sort things out with them. BUT, if they bring nothing but drama, trouble and disrespect you, then you can choose to go LC/NC.

Don't get me wrong, I know it's hard, but it's hard because you've been conditioned to believe that your supposed to put your sister/mum/dad/brother's feelings before your own. Absolutely not. That way lies madness, and when a situation gets more and more out of control, you'll probably wonder why you didn't stop contact earlier.

I'm sick of all this whining and whinging about "Oh, but he's/she's your sister/brother/dad/mum, and they're family". Fuck that, for a game of soldiers. What I've learnt about families is that in some situations your friends act more like your family than your siblings/parents do. If your friends treat you better than your family do, stick with your friends.

I have a similar situation with my family. My older brother stays out of things between me and my other siblings/mum. My younger brother, however, interferes in everything and made issues between mum and myself so much worse. To the point where my mum called me a bitch, a prick and an idiot. Sorry folks, but my mum burnt her fucking bridges when she did that. It's not even what she called me, it's the fact that she said it to my son, and dragged him into issues that were nothing to do with him.

It took DS 7 months to tell us this, as he was afraid of how I'd react. I just rolled my eyes as I wasn't in the least bit surprised. Mum is the type of person that is very nice and charming to the outside world, but is a nasty piece of work and always has been to me.

The reason my older brother stays out of things is because he has had his eyes opened as to what mum has been like to DH, our DC and me. I took the opportunity to move away and wasn't going to tell anyone except close friends. Unfortunately I gave my older DB my new address, but had I know that he would give it to my mum, it would never have been given to him.

Thankfully I'm now over 400 miles away from my home town, where the rest of my DB's SIL's and mum live. So there's not much chance of a visit from my mum as she's very frail and could pass away at any time. After what she put me through as a child and adult, I can't even muster up the will to even fake any upset over her death.

Call me a cold-hearted bitch for that if you want, but I have plenty of empathy and sympathy, which is only reserved for those who have treated me with kindness and respect over the decades.

think the main point is that the OP trusted her sister to stay out of the argument between the OP and her mum. The sister broke that trust by getting involved, instead of letting the OP and her mum work things out among themselves

That isn’t trust. That’s wanting someone to shut up even when they genuinely feel you need to know you crossed a line. That’s not ‘trusting’ someone, it’s having somebody who always does what you want. Quite a different thing.

Your sister probably got a very "special " version of events from your mum hence her reaction.
Your mum probably was jealous of your friendship and also wanted some drama.
I would never discuss your sister's situation with your mum.
Your sister needs to contact you and ask for help or whatever directly. And to be honest I would help her if I could.

So all you know for sure is that she unfriended you on FB and you heard second hand what she told your dad about you, from him, while he was angry about a situation that neither he nor your sister were actually involved in. Do you actually know what she said? Have you ever spoken to her about it? How does she justify her involvement?

It just sounds like so much unnecessary drama that I got stressed just readibg your OP.

I wouldn’t cut them out but I’d keep them at arm’s length. I don’t really have fall-outs with people because I try to only let drama-free people close to me.

In my experience, a sibling like your sis doesn't change for the better as they have resentments from childhood.

Staying NC creates festering resentment and difficulties over decades and this really doesn’t sound serious enough to justify it. If you start to rebuild there will be a period of awkwardness and then it will start to get better

We all have disagreements and upsets with our families. ALL of us.
I'm cracking on agewise, 60+ . And there's one thing I can be absolutely sure is the right advice. Forgive and then forgive again.
Your sister and your mother love you more than anyone else ever will. And you love them, obviously. Unfortunately that means that their disapproval will bother you more than anybody else's ever will. That's why you're feeling it.

We are all, eventually, going to be a long time dead. So that's a good reason to be forgiving. We are all pretty frail I think, when it comes to our parents and siblings. But we need to look at the bigger picture.
Don't let these tiny irritants get in the way of the big picture.

You are a lucky woman to have a Mum and Dad and a brother and a sister who you are close enough to have regular contact with. even though it's a bit argumentative at the mo.

Some people have nobody. Which would you rather? Have loads of family arguments and bickering? Or no family at all?

I've been in both places. It's much more rewarding to have an argumentative family than it is to lose them all and be alone.

ThisIsTheFirstStep

Agree with you wholeheartedly.
I simply can't be doing with all this drama either.

In my family, this really wouldn't happen because we'd all just be upfront and not write snail mail or emails afterwards.

Not that any of my in-laws or parents have mobile phones or internet access anyway. I think that's most of the problem.

Lady I think it’s really useful to be able to manage drama. My mum has a tendency to do this shit, ignore people, go in huffs, think people are ignoring her or in a mood with her...it just seems exhausting. 99% of the time people are thinking about themselves. I just ignore her drama and change the subject to somethig more interesting.

Nope nope nope. I can’t agree with all this ‘make the first move’ ‘forgive and forget’ ‘you’ll regret it one day’ nonsense.

If you need a mantra, go with the trusted ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’.

OP hasn’t done anything rude or mean to her sister, not then and not now. The sister made rubbish assumptions, stuck her nose in, escalated drama and is now no-doubt too embarrassed to do the right thing. OP has told everyone that her door is open, should her sister want to rebuild. That’s pretty forgiving, given how she’s been treated.

I have a similar estrangement from my younger sister. She did such a merciless public takedown of me (5 years ago) that I was in shock for months. I said not one word and did nothing to her (except try and make sure she got home safely). I’d be only too happy to see evidence across these years that she’d matured into some level of adult. Showed some responsibility, remorse, self-awareness, something? So I could trust her with my heart, and that of my family unit?

Nothing from her means I don’t rate very highly, do I? Ok then.

For the time being, I’m going guilt-free with a policy of ‘you broke it, I forgave you in my heart, but you’re not getting another chance to break it again. Show me you understand something about hearts?’

I recommend this approach.

I do hope, OP, that you will listen to the more reasonable posters here. For some reason the first few posters were frankly weird.

Heaven knows what your mother told your sister.

skittles, that is some of the absolute worst advice I have ever seen on here:

A)OP hasn’t done anything rude or mean to her sister, not then and not now.. You don’t know that. And even if it were true, if DS felt the OP had overstepped the line with her Mum it was fair enough for her to be upset about it.

B) For the time being, I’m going guilt-free with a policy of ‘you broke it, I forgave you in my heart, but you’re not getting another chance to break it again. Show me you understand something about hearts?’

Hearts pump blood. This is also awful advice. Basically what you are saying is that your relatives have no right to ever be offended or upset by you regardless of how badly you behave. They can never tell you if you hurt them or they feel you’ve been rude.

Your own feelings, on the other hand, you regard as sacred. And if you feel they’ve upset you then you cut them off and demand apologies and reparations.

That’s a really special kind of selfish, being unable to see that your relatives are only asking you to give their feelings respect as well as your own.

The fall out was 5 years ago. It took 5 years before the OP and DM sorted it. 5 years is a long time for DSis to build up annoyance, disappointment etc. I would say it isn't a normal me and DM had a row and now Dsis won't be friends. It was 5 years, I suppose, of animosity, avoidance etc. They all sound as bad as each other so I disagree that the OP can now take the moral high ground and be angry with Dsis (but besties with DM with whom she started the issue). Better just make up and, hopefully, get on with life older and wiser 5 years is a long time

All i am reading is DM alienated everyone from you. Dsis removed you from fb maybe she just didn't want to see the fall out or be a part of it. You say you were close, speak to her.