To cut contact with my mum for good?

[reddingtn]

I have other threads regarding my 'd'm. The most recent I think was shortly before Xmas. Having been told by a very expensive therapist that I had basically become the replacement husband when my dad left (I was six), I was still left with guilt about leaving when I was almost 30.

I felt the FOG. She took me for every penny. But even when I was living there and paying all her bills I would still find myself locked out of my house. I was told to leave. And I did. I am ashamed but because she told me that the locks would be changed, police etc. But I feel like she stole from me.

I always make a huge fuss on her b day (I don't actually know why). I am the only one who does. She kicked me out and left me to sleep on the street for a week before letting me back in (when I pay the mortgage) to look after the cat while she was gone.

Today something happened. And if you've read this far I commend you. Her partner has groped me twice whilst in her presence (having told her multiple times it happed today she shouted straight out: LIAR

she also said (and this is the bit that hurt). It always happens to you doesn't it. And when I questioned it as in 'what does?' She said 'this isn't the first time that you made these sort of allegations. But it's funny how they always come to nothing, isn't it?'

I have no answer. I am not lying. And actually it hurts more to think the people I care about think I am than I might actually am itms

No yanbu

I haven't read your other threads but based on this alone, just stop seeing her.

YADNBU!

You don't have to do this any more. It's okay to walk away now. She is toxic. I believe you.

YANBU and if she's still living in your property you need to evict her.

I know you are not lying but actually you don't even need a reason to leave. She makes you feel bad, ill. She is bad for you. Don't contact her, let her find someone else to be nasty to.

As for her birthday... you are trying to please her, appease her. You are trying anything to try and make her love you and act like a mother. But she won'r. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's her, she's incapable of it. She's brought you up to please her at your own expense and now plays on it.

Keep away from her and her abusive partner. If she tries to bully you into contact tell her you will call the police. Get mad. Walk away. Start your happy life from NOW.

Wait, she's in your property?

What a mum, you're not being unreasonable if you want to or plan to cut contact. You've already done your part as a good daughter so to speak, and shouldn't feel any guilt if you decide to leave her alone.

I think I remember your previous posts, you cannot get this woman out of your life soon enough

For your own sanity you need to seperate yourself from her and her madness.

I was going to say what frasier said.

Re the mortgage you were/are paying, is that in your name? I ask because my abusive father told the mortgage payer, my sister that her name was on the deeds. It was not, she was just handing over money with nothing to show for it.

That's exactly what happened to me AdoraBell. I covered her mortgage (and bills and food etc) for over two years as she wasn't working and as I was living there, bailiffs turning up and demands for payment were stressing me out. I thought I was being helpful, but she started locking me out of the house and threatening to get the police to remove me if I didn't leave. It was only then I found I had no right to live there whatsoever despite me paying everything.

She's just so resentful. I bought her a spa day for us both for mothers day and she said she wants to bring her partner instead of me. It's like she only sees me as a cash cow and like a fool I always try to seek her approval anyway

Jesus Christ stop contact right now.

I remember you. Your mother is deranged.
She’s absolutely fucking horrible, and you need to come to a place where you can just shut off from her. She’s not giving a flying fuck about you unless it involves your cash.

Beware the flying monkeys and her buttering you up when she wants something again- I would have to just cut all contact.

Move on with your life. Create happy memories involving your loved ones, and don’t look back.

I know it’s not easy. I had to do it with my dad though and ten years on I still occasionally wonder and consider getting in touch- then I have a word with myself and remind myself of all the shit. It stops me

Stop contact now and get counseling please darling. This is no way to live.

You've had multiple threads about this, your mother's behaved outrageously to you and you should be out of there but you are stuck at the first step: noticing that her behaviour is out of order and checking your judgement against other people's. It's quite possible that you will spend your entire life stuck at this stage and never get her malign influence out of your life. Believe me I've seen it happen, my dad did it with my mum after having been emotionally and physically abused by his dad, he then took 40 years of emotional abuse off of my mum. And every time I saw him he had a yet more outrageous story of her unkindness and manipulation, and they were all true, but it was so scary for him to go against my mother, and such a relief when I agreed with him, that he was satisfied with that and never got up the gumption to leave. It's classic codependency. When you're near the abuser, when they're being bad to you, you know for sure that you're not the bad one. Taking action and breaking contact means moving away from that "ideal" of perfect self sacrifice, it means accepting that you're just an average person who is entitled to put their own interests first.

Sorry if this sounds a bit cheeky - but look, your mother's partner groped you. And your mother called you a liar and tried to gaslight you about some similar experience in the past. And next month it'll be something else. What do you expect? She's shown you who she is. You need to break through your inertia, stop posting threads on here (although saying that you're very welcome on Stately Homes, on the Relationships board) and get out!

That's really helpful Ellendegeneres, and everyone else it's really hard to cut contact but she makes me so miserable. I'm currently nc with my dad and brother (dad is similar, brother is golden child) so cutting the last family member out makes me feel... lonely I guess. But I have a wonderful boyfriend, have rented a room from a wonderful landlady who is great fun. I am great until I see my mum and she always finds a way to upset me. When I saw her yesterday I could see she was trying everything she could to get under my skin and wind me up, so that she could then call me unreasonable and an embarrassment. I am happier without her.

She adds nothing to your life. Nothing. Cut her out and move forward. Get yourself some further therapy and focus on living in the present and making time for yourself.

You are not the problem.

OP - I remember you too. Your threads read like a horror story.

Walk away now. Block all contact. Untangle any finances ASAP and jsut disappear.

If she can't contact you, and you stop contacting her, you will not be the focus of her hate (and yes, she Hates you)
You will never be able to appease her, or please her. Nothing pleases her more than being able to Hate you and what you do. Nothing gives her more power than you trying (and failing, and failing, and failing). Nothing is more pleasing to her than you reacting - to her partner's filthy hands, her own rejection of your presents - she LOVES it!

Get yourself away. Doesn't have to be forever (face that when you've had some distance) - just do it for say 6 months. After 6 months, see how you feel.

she was trying everything she could to get under my skin and wind me up, - like I say, she LOVES it!

Total power trip. Vile from anyone, but a mother? We are not programmed to understand this....

Do not see her. Do not give her further presents to try to buy her affection. She will never ever give you affection. Do not answer calls from her. Above all, stop paying her mortgage and her bills!!!! No contact. Get some more therapy. Start a new life.

Its ok to walk away. Its lonely anyway whether she is in your life or not right? She is not supporting you when groped? So sorry to hear that.

You have done wonderfully getting out, go NC for now. It doesnt have to be forever but maybe it would be wise to try for a set time frame. Leopards dont change spots.

Have you told your boyfriend you have been groped?

Fuck me I can’t even begin to imagine this happening. YANBU. At all!!!

BettyBaggins I have told my bf and he's supportive. Also we love in a small, gossipy town and mum's partner has a bit of a 'reputation' and is not well liked so I feel vindicated in that respect. However I have had a handful of inappropriate incidents in my adult life, at work and most recently my driving instructor (thread about that too) which is why what she said yesterday touched a nerve, like I'm crying wolf.

You've been conditioned to seek her approval OP. It is hard to break that habit. Perhaps you ought to get some professional help?