To cut contact with my mum for good?

[reddingtn]

I have other threads regarding my 'd'm. The most recent I think was shortly before Xmas. Having been told by a very expensive therapist that I had basically become the replacement husband when my dad left (I was six), I was still left with guilt about leaving when I was almost 30.

I felt the FOG. She took me for every penny. But even when I was living there and paying all her bills I would still find myself locked out of my house. I was told to leave. And I did. I am ashamed but because she told me that the locks would be changed, police etc. But I feel like she stole from me.

I always make a huge fuss on her b day (I don't actually know why). I am the only one who does. She kicked me out and left me to sleep on the street for a week before letting me back in (when I pay the mortgage) to look after the cat while she was gone.

Today something happened. And if you've read this far I commend you. Her partner has groped me twice whilst in her presence (having told her multiple times it happed today she shouted straight out: LIAR

she also said (and this is the bit that hurt). It always happens to you doesn't it. And when I questioned it as in 'what does?' She said 'this isn't the first time that you made these sort of allegations. But it's funny how they always come to nothing, isn't it?'

I have no answer. I am not lying. And actually it hurts more to think the people I care about think I am than I might actually am itms

I have started more counselling, though I've only had one session due to the snow disruption and then him cancelling due to illness. Hopefully it will help when it resumes next week

I suffered every kind of abuse up until I was fourteen, and my mother knew all about it. When I got a house of my own, I used to invite her every Christmas, because I couldn't stand the thought of her being on her own Christmas Day. When she died I was inconsolable. I then found out she had spent her funeral money, telling people I might as well enjoy it while I'm alive my daughter won't see me buried in a paupers grave, and I didn't. Since her death, I have heard all sorts of horror stories, of the things I was supposed to have said and done, and not to believe a word I say, as I am mentally unbalanced. Yes, I do have mental health issues, and have seen various counsellors and psychiatrists, and yes I am on some pretty strong medication, but only because of what I suffered at hers, and other people's hands when I was younger. I now know why I was inconsolable when she died, it wasn't for her I cried, it was for the Mother I always wanted her to be but never was. What I'm trying to say is, she won't change, you need to dump her, now! Just because she carries the name Mother, doesn't make her into the loving Mother we all deserve.

Actually being NC with your dad and brother makes it easier to just completely step away from the whole family, no part contact/fear of meeting up. I don't know your back story but what you've posted here is enough.
Cut her out today, after you've got anything you want from her house that's yours, any memories or childhood things you might want to keep. Today you start your freedom. It will be hard and she will try and regain control f you but you can do it.

I spent my childhood knowing my mother didn't love me, but wanting her too. My twenties hoping she at least liked me. My thirties hoping that maybe she respected me. I stopped contact in my forties when she tried to divide my twin dds in the way she had my sister and me. It was a blessed relief. She's still alive (in her eighties) and still making up complete nonsense about me. I really don't give a shit. It's fabulous not jumping through hoops to have my very existence acknowledged.

Do you and your bf have to stay in your small gossipy town? I wonder if it would be easier if you had a bit more physical distance between you and your (D)M. That way you can more easily block her contact attempts and there is little chance of bumping into her or her partner.

Is there anything you would have loved to have done, travelling, working aboard, living in the middle of a big city and having a different takeaway every night, that you haven't done because of your toxic relationship with your (D)M. What do you want to do with your life?

I think you need to get some distance - live on your own as an adult, not be defined by being a needy person’s child.

If you are not capable of having a more distanced relationship with her - seeing her occasionally, setting boundaries instead of letting her dictate to you, not giving her money - then you might have to go no contact for a while.

However I have had a handful of inappropriate incidents in my adult life

My therapist said it's very common that people who've been abused in childhood are sort of easy for abusive people to sniff out. So don't let your mother gaslight you with this "lightning doesn't strike twice" bullshit.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude all of the above! One of my aims of counselling is to get past the fact that I don't feel 'deserving' of any of those things.

Re the small town, dm lives just outside and very rural, her partner is central but very few friends and only frequents the one pub (which I avoid - don't drink much anyway). The gossipy part works to my advantage as everybody likes my bf (and by association, me!) And not a single person I have spoken to refers to my mums partner positively (man or woman).

That's really helpful and encouraging toomuchtooold; I had never heard that before. Thank you

Best of luck with the counselling.

The really fucking annoying thing about abusers is they get inside your head. They don't need to say anything half the time because they have undermined you so much that you second guess everything and run it through a filter of what would X think and take you next step based on that filter.

When you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

Only you can change your life and make it happy

lots of Children who have experienced trauma especially when combined with abusive parent/s end up in situations later in life where they are vulnerable to abuse or are taken advantage of.

From what I understand it's to do with not having the opportunity to learn that they have rights over their body or that they do not understand that bad treatment is not normal so they don't believe that they shouldn't be treated badly or very simply they tell themselves well that's not as bad as so I'll put up with it and shouldn't complain.

none of the above is true you and I and others who have had abuse trauma etc just are behind in our learning because no one taught us that we deserve better or worse they were the ones who showed us they thought the opposite. Most kids by the Time they get to adulthood just naturally know (mostly) that they are an ok person and that bad things are not supposed to happen we don't so it takes time to learn that as an adult.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling

Your posts show you are learning though, your seeking counselling, your finally seeing that your mother is not treating you the way you deserve and are considering nc (which I absolutely would urge you to do) you have left the home, you have found a partner you are getting there. your brilliant red keep the positive momentum your on the cusp of a great life free of bad treatment don't let that slip away.

Get out and never say another word to her in your life. Your life can only improve without her.

OP, ALL women have had “a couple of incidents” - it’s completely normal. I’ve been groped by a) some bloke with learning difficulties in the bus station when I was 14, b) some creepy guy at my summer job when I was 17, c) a different creepy guy st a different summer job when I was 19, d) a violent stranger rape when I was 20, and e) random guys in clubs harassing me.

Aside from the rape, I think that’s pretty standard for a woman in her 30s growing up near a big city.

I meant to say: since it’s a normal experience, your mum has no business not believing you. I don’t find your experience remote hard to believe.

Please get out and away

Not only is your mother not adding to your life, she is preventing you from living it. Just walk away, and don't give her any more headspace.

Actually sashkin makes a very good point.

Everything Iv said counts too but despite all that. Most women have experienced some sort of instance or a couple.

It's really shit but that's the reality for a massive percent of women.

Yes I'd agree with that ginky. "Abuse/harassment is rare" is like the sort of prime thinking error, even before the "lightning doesn't strike twice" one.