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Original poster

To panic..DH pulling out all the stops after separation row

49 replies

MissCommunication · 14/03/2018 12:47

I've had a lot of support on here from the wise MNers about my EA and controlling dh. He's gaslighting and manipulative and sees no wrong in what he does. We have two DC aged 5 and 18 months. He has up to now been very much a dip in and dip out Dad. Usually he can be found on one of his many devices not really partaking in family life but when he does it is for a few minutes and then back to (some) work, hobby websites, eBay etc. He is either tired or unwell and therefore on sofa or out doing his hobby. I am a SAHM (out of choice and it is what we discussed when we met as I felt I would rather not have children at all if I couldn't be with them growing up). When I have pulled him up on his lack of interest he has blamed me, telling me I am so painful to be around, so negative, excluding etc etc that he just stays away. Of course I know this is bollocks but for many years I was driven to despair and desperation feeling that everything was all my fault. I tried to take my life twice, have driven my car into a lamppost on purpose etc all because I have felt so unbelievably wretched. All that is behind me and I'm strong and gaining in confidence. He has stopped groping me and invading my personal space - thanks to the lovely mumsnet people I have a better view of body autonomy.

Three weeks ago we had a bust up. He basically told me I was abusive, negative, rude, aggressive, disrespectful, lazy and only interested in money. I clothe me and the children second off ebay or charity shops or hand me downs, I get my hair cut twice a year if that, I shop frugally. I am in no way profligate with money. He is a high earner and is currently spending like water. I posted a while ago about finding bank.statements and being shocked at his spending (rough estimate in excess of £30k in 6 months ... one transaction of £3.5k on hobby equipment plus lots of other amounts on his hobby and a £21k family car he has "bought me" but not put in my name). I had no idea that this money was sitting around especially when on the one hand it's family money he says and on the other when I asked about some extra work on the garden and a chap who came to the door quoted 180 he said "can YOU afford it?" I couldn't, so I had to send the man away and I felt so humiliated. He did it again when we had an unfortunate fine of £80 even though i appealed and did my best to sort it, he was quite unkind and said we shouldn't be just spending money for no reason. Needless to say that's another nail in the coffin.

I'm preparing to end the marriage but since the big Blue where I said we were separated he has gone to extra lengths to be a great Dad and husband. Of course, the children are lapping it up...they've not had it before and they want him a lot now. He has a 17 year old DD from his first marriage and he significantly reduced contact time basically to keep me interested after I ended it several years ago because his situation with ex W and DD was so toxic and traumatic for everyone. I can't really forgive myself for my naivety and for allowing that to happen. In my defence he was unbelievably convincing and persuasive despite my reservations and discomfort. I basically got myself so far embroiled and now I am completely and utterly financially dependent on him. He had me in an awful state....punishment and forgiveness cycles, all of which I now recognise, again thanks to advice and wisdom from here.

My huge worry is that now he's making all this effort he will try to completely break me when it all ends, especially when it comes to custody and money. I think he knows it is in the offing as he seems to be getting a lot in shirty little emails, laying a lot at my door but sugar coating it all to keep me sweet.

I am.still bf baby and the children have never had a night away from me. He goes away for work sometimes up to three weeks at a time.

Help! How do I play it? How do I beat him at his own game? Have copied some statements so that if he comes out with any shit about money I can just slap them down in front of him and tell him to fuck off but a friend tells me I must be less emotional about it. I haven't responded to the emails as I know he's only trying to document his efforts and his great Dadness but he's five years too fucking late!

OP posts:
Original poster
MissCommunication · 14/03/2018 12:48

I should also add that his mother who lives abroad basically blames me and says all I care about are the children and that I pay him no attention and give him no love.

OP posts:
itwasadarkandstormy · 14/03/2018 12:52

He is hiding the money at a rapid rate right this minute. You need to act soon

MinesaPinot · 14/03/2018 13:27

It is not often I say this OP, but after reading your thread I would say get everything together, good legal advice, and LTB.

MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 14/03/2018 13:46

Get a solicitor and get those accounts frozen op.

Of course he hasn't changed. He's probably clued up to the sudden realisation that his cushy life and income will rapidly disappear on renting a three bed property, losing his freedom every other weekend and having to actually parent and fend for himself.

Too little too late. Stick to your guns.

whiskyowl · 14/03/2018 13:49

FFS, you know he's a manipulative bastard. Just because he is being nice doesn't mean he's not manipulating you.

You have to leave. Get legal representation, and make sure he's not screwing you over financially behind your back while playing nice in public.

Hidingtonothing · 14/03/2018 13:57

Yes yes to legal advice, asap. You could ask on the legal board on here for recommendations for a SHL (shit hot lawyer) or have a think if you know anyone who's recently been divorced who might know someone good. It's time to start protecting yours and DC's future, don't let him manipulate you onto the back foot financially.

CrabappleBiscuit · 14/03/2018 14:04

Get a lawyer. Move this to relationships.

Tinkobell · 14/03/2018 14:06

Holy shit, good luck!

Livinglifepeachy · 14/03/2018 14:10

No advice op but my sympathy is with you xx

StormTreader · 14/03/2018 14:45

I agree with the PP - you need to put all the worry, doubt and emotional abuse to one side right now and RUN to a solicitor - he'll be covering his tracks RE money as fast as he can shovel it away, he probably has already stashed a lot of it (the car, the hobby equipment etc), you dont have the time to spend 3 months playing his games of doubt and "what if"s until hes hidden all of it.

LadyFlangeWidget · 14/03/2018 14:47

Go to solicitor and tell her what you just wrote here. You will feel so much better afterwards I promise. You are the winner here , he is the big sad loser. Goodluck!

itsgoodtobehome · 14/03/2018 15:10

This situation seems to come up a lot on MN. Wife becomes SAHM, husband is the earner. Husband become resentful about being the breadwinner. Wife becomes defensive about the decision. I think it’s all well and good making that decision before kids come along, but in reality it’s fucking tough. However much you argue the point that staying at home with kids is a full time job, the one that earns the money will always ultimately be resentful. And I mean that for either situation - sahm or sahd. He clearly feels that his role is to earn the money and therefore he doesn’t need to do the parenting, and your role is to do the parenting. Neither of you is wrong or right, but you need to re-dress the balance. Could you work a few hours, or so something outside the house while he takes on the parenting responsibility? I bet you will both feel much better for it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/03/2018 15:21

You need to remind yourself of the reality of your situation. Sit down an make a list of all the events he's missed for the DC, any time he has withheld money or forced you to pay for what should be a joint expense. I expect it will be a bloody long list. Every time he tries a little dig at you or plays at Dad of the Year, just mentally remind yourself of that list.
Get as much information as you can about his earnings, assets etc. Then get yourself to a lawyer and get some good advice.

THIS BIT IS IMPORTANT - do not give him any inkling that his charm offensive isn't working. Be like the proverbial duck gliding calmly and serenely along whilst paddling furiously below the surface. Then hit him with divorce proceedings as soon as you are ready.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/03/2018 15:24

P.S.
He doesn't actually want custody of the children. How would he pursue his hobbies etc. if he had them. Just remember that if he kicks off. He would be trying to find something that matters to you and use it as a weapon.

changemyname1 · 14/03/2018 15:25

itsgoodtobehome

It's well past that point, op is planning her exit, she is still breast feeding the 18 m old child.

At some point in the future op could get back into working life but she has more important things to deal with first.

itsgoodtobehome · 14/03/2018 15:30

Well if she’s planning her exit, she’s going to have to get back into working life pretty damn quick. I doubt he is going to continue to support her while they go through a divorce. Yes, I know he will have to contribute some money, but probably not what she is used to.

itsgoodtobehome · 14/03/2018 15:36

And since when has breast feeding been a reason not to work?

Wintertime4 · 14/03/2018 15:37

Firstly I’d be very minimal contact. So what if he says you are a crap mother? Do you really care what he thinks? So what if he’s Mr nice guy to the kids? He’ll soon revert.

So try and keep all communication either email or text and ‘grey rock’ as in, you are polite and boring. You never reply to drama. Even if the texts go on all evening. You stick to the facts.

That will greatly help the emotional abuse.

Get a good solicitor.

Get good friends / family.

Go to see a cbt counselor while this is going on.

Have a 5 year plan around finances and housing that does not include winning any court battle. And if you do get more, that’s a bonus.

BarbarianMum · 14/03/2018 15:41

Get a good solicitor and come up with a plan for going back to work/retraining. If your youngest is 18 mo then start looking for work/childcare now - no need to wait until you end it.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2018 15:42

You first need is to see a solicitor NOW. Like, yesterday!!

As far as his volte-face, of course he's doing it to throw you off guard. If you think it would help, sit down and write a list of some of the worst things he's done to you. Nasty names, depriving you financially, neglecting you. Then read that list, memorize it. Fold it up as small as you can and keep it on you or nearby. When you find yourself wobbling or confused by his 'niceness', touch that list. Let it be a physical reminder to you of the truth about him. You don't even have to take it out and read it. Just the reminder will hopefully be enough.

But SEE THAT SOLICITOR. Your stbx is going to try to royally screw you and you need to be prepared.

Justanothernameonthepage · 14/03/2018 15:49

Get copies of bank statements/mortgage Doc's etc. Get financial advice. Get the house valued. Get copies of his pension fund.
Keep a diary.
'win' by deciding what you want your life to look like in 5 years and by being upfront about fairness. Don't start trying to limit his access or doing anything he can use to say you're being manipulative (common tactic from abusers is to reverse position).
But get advice from solicitor ASAP. and if you have evidence of his financial abuse, keep it and look up laws and consider bringing charges.

Inseoir · 14/03/2018 15:56

itsgoodtobehome - I'm struggling not to be rude here, but have you read the OP? This isn't case where the breadwinner is resentful and the SAHM isn't recognising that - the DH has spent 30k over a period of six months while the OP can't afford £180 for some work that needs to be done on the house. The OP is so miserable she has tried to take her own life twice - on what planet is this a marriage that can be saved?? What on earth are you talking about??

Inseoir · 14/03/2018 15:58

Anyway OP, along with the very good practical advice you've been given, you have to, as much as you possibly can, emotionally detach from him and not let the nonsense he spews get to you. I know that's hard but you have to get to a point where you see the ridiculous things he says for what they are - desperate attempts to get a reaction from you. You don't need to listen or believe a word he says - he can say you are the vilest person ever to live and your only reaction should be silent contempt - don't argue, don't justify, don't respond. It is totally pointless and will just drain the energy from you.

BewareOfDragons · 14/03/2018 16:13

You told him the marriage was done essentially, but didn't actually end it, so he's playing nice while he gets his ducks in a row.

You need to get legal advice and get the accounts frozen. And you need to formally end it.

Viviennemary · 14/03/2018 16:19

It's really no good in a marriage when you have so little financial control. So I think people are right you need to focus on getting a formal separation and then a divorce. It seems as if he thinks if he pretends to be nice for a while then everything will be OK. You need to tell him that no it won't be, you want a divorce and are seeing a solicitor.

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